AussieDog Posted 10 August, 2011 Share Posted 10 August, 2011 After seeing the riots in Toxteth I now know why Liverpool fans sing "You'll never walk alone" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 10 August, 2011 Share Posted 10 August, 2011 I heard waterstones well be staying open late today, in the hope the looters might learn something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 10 August, 2011 Share Posted 10 August, 2011 When i saw those rioters on Tottenham High Road i thought "f*ck me, i'd better find somewhere to hide that they would never dream of going" I'm in the Job Centre if you need me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ampersound Posted 11 August, 2011 Share Posted 11 August, 2011 What do u say to a looter who is trying to steal your gate? Nothing, he might take a fence! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 19 August, 2011 Share Posted 19 August, 2011 There are 10 sorts of people in thes world. Those that understand binary. And those that don't! __________ My good lady made me a Blackberry and Apple Crumble last night. It was scrummy. She nearly ruined it. She was going to throw in an HTC! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sussexsaint Posted 19 August, 2011 Share Posted 19 August, 2011 If you are not part of the solution , you are part of the precipitate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintneilo84 Posted 19 August, 2011 Share Posted 19 August, 2011 Guy comes back from an african safari and makes a trip to the doctors. Doctor says "what seems to be the promlem". Man replies "i have been raped by an elephant". Doctor asks the patient to drop is trousers and what he sees is his a**e hole the size of a dinner plate. The doctor says to the patient "Thats starnge i thought elephants have long thin Penis's". The patient replies "They do but it fingered me first". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 25 August, 2011 Share Posted 25 August, 2011 Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND." Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 25 August, 2011 Share Posted 25 August, 2011 I've just been told to change my password to 8 characters. Can only think of Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 25 August, 2011 Share Posted 25 August, 2011 Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND." Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up. Please forgive me ... but that made me LOL .... I blame the bottle of wine though!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raging Bull Posted 25 August, 2011 Share Posted 25 August, 2011 Gotta go to funnyordie and type first period into the search..... The blokes reactions are priceless!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 29 August, 2011 Share Posted 29 August, 2011 I'd 8-2 be an Arsenal fan today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyLove Posted 29 August, 2011 Share Posted 29 August, 2011 I'd 8-2 be an Arsenal fan today. Looted and sent thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Nutkins Posted 30 August, 2011 Share Posted 30 August, 2011 The BBC have just announced that Gaddafi may have slipped into Jordan.Has that woman no-f****** shame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 31 August, 2011 Share Posted 31 August, 2011 Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. Dont know why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 31 August, 2011 Author Share Posted 31 August, 2011 ****News just in**** Owen Hargreaves signs for Man City on a pay-as-you-play contract.... Forecast to be worth in the region of £0 over 5 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 31 August, 2011 Share Posted 31 August, 2011 ****News just in**** Owen Hargreaves signs for Man City on a pay-as-you-play contract.... Forecast to be worth in the region of £0 over 5 years. Is this 2 seperate articles? ...... the 2nd part is true already .... wasn't worth anything from the day we got him from Spurs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 31 August, 2011 Share Posted 31 August, 2011 I sent off a fiver for a penis enlarger that guaranteed results. Bastards sent me a magnifying glass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyLove Posted 31 August, 2011 Share Posted 31 August, 2011 I'm an optimistic guy. Take genital warts for example. I don't think of me as being desease ridden scum. I like to think me as Ribbed for her pleasure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 1 September, 2011 Share Posted 1 September, 2011 I sent off a fiver for a penis enlarger that guaranteed results. Bastards sent me a magnifying glass. You could have made yourself look like a complete c()ck and sent the fiver to renew your TSW subscription in the belief that Matchday & Transfer Window Last Day threads would run smoothly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 September, 2011 Share Posted 3 September, 2011 I just competed in the World Blindfolded W*nking Championships. Not sure where I came. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 September, 2011 Share Posted 3 September, 2011 You could have made yourself look like a complete c()ck and sent the fiver to renew your TSW subscription in the belief that Matchday & Transfer Window Last Day threads would run smoothly. I gave up on this site running smoothly long ago tbh. Still sent granty my fiver tho, where else would I get rid of these shlt jokes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 4 September, 2011 Share Posted 4 September, 2011 My mrs was acting all sexy last night. She laid on the bed licking a lollipop, then started slowly sliding it into her pussy. I said "steady on love, you'll need that in the morning to see the schoolkids over the crossing" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 5 September, 2011 Share Posted 5 September, 2011 I love to pamper the missus after she has had a stressful day . I get the hot tap running swirl around the foam & bubbles & time everything right , so when she walks thrrough the door she can crack on with the dishes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 14 September, 2011 Share Posted 14 September, 2011 Last night a couple of naked lesbians barged into our house and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help but I could only knock one out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jawillwill Posted 15 September, 2011 Share Posted 15 September, 2011 Two guys walk into a bar. The barman comes over to take their orders. First man says, "I'll have some H2O please." The second man says, "I'll have some H2O too please." The second man dies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 15 September, 2011 Share Posted 15 September, 2011 Two guys walk into a bar. The barman comes over to take their orders. First man says, "I'll have some H2O please." The second man says, "I'll have some H2O too please." The second man dies. First hydrogen peroxide joke I've heard in a long while Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wadge Posted 15 September, 2011 Share Posted 15 September, 2011 First hydrogen peroxide joke I've heard in a long while First I have ever heard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holepuncture Posted 15 September, 2011 Share Posted 15 September, 2011 My girlfriend dumped me saying I don't live up to her black ex-boyfriend. "When you can do what a black man can do, get back in touch," she laughed. So after three months of trying, I've sent her a video of me peeling a banana with my feet. I await her apology... ..................................................................................................................................... A sexy young girl approached me in the club last night. "Wanna buy me a few drinks?" she whispered with a wink. "Of course," I burst out, shooting to the bar. After she had drunk 5 vodkas within 10 minutes, I gave her a nudge. "I bet you're the type of girl that uses men to get drunk and gives nothing in return, aren't you?" I asked. "You've got me all figured out," she smirked. "Well not tonight!" I replied, waving an empty Rohypnol box in her face. ........................................................................................................................................................ A woman knocked on my door today. She said, "Hello, your taxi is outside." I said, "Thanks for letting me know, please tell the bloke that I'll be a few minutes." "Bloke?" she asked. I said, "Yes, the taxi driver." She said, "It's my taxi." I said, "Taxi? What taxi? I haven't ordered a taxi." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Itchen_block4 Posted 15 September, 2011 Share Posted 15 September, 2011 I bumped into an old mate today. He said, "What you up to these days?" I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, **** heads and down 'n' outs." He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 15 September, 2011 Share Posted 15 September, 2011 I bumped into an old mate today. He said, "What you up to these days?" I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, **** heads and down 'n' outs." He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub." Are true stories allowed on this thread? Seriously... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 15 September, 2011 Share Posted 15 September, 2011 First I have ever heard. And I thought I led a sheltered life... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 15 September, 2011 Share Posted 15 September, 2011 I bumped into an old mate today. He said, "What you up to these days?" I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, **** heads and down 'n' outs." He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub." Chef? In a wetherspoons?? CHEF????!!!!! Make these jokes realistic at least! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Itchen_block4 Posted 15 September, 2011 Share Posted 15 September, 2011 Are true stories allowed on this thread? Seriously... Copied it off Sickipedia, just thought it was quite funny. Like the wife/girlfriend jokes told by people with neither with the aforementioned a significant contributor. That and the racist, sexist, homophobic etc nature of that site. The people at Wetherspoons who bung food in microwaves probably call themselves chefs to sound more important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 17 September, 2011 Share Posted 17 September, 2011 First night with my new Thai bride. We got into foreplay and I was sucking her off when I thought ........."Hang on a f*cking minute.." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaz Posted 19 September, 2011 Share Posted 19 September, 2011 I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. It was a ridiculously long name. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miserableoldgit Posted 21 September, 2011 Share Posted 21 September, 2011 Not especially PC some of these but still quite funny IMHO:- [TABLE] [TR] [TD][TABLE=width: 100%] [TR] [TD=width: 100%][TABLE] [TR] [TD][TABLE] [TR] [TD][TABLE] [TR] [TD][TABLE] [TR] [TD][TABLE] [TR] [TD]Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years. I got sacked last night from serving in the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders, all I said was, 'Hurry up for f*cks sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore. Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready! Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup, you fat ba***rd , I was talking to the cat!' Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small White patch, so I've named him Birmingham . In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off' I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!' Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'. [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 21 September, 2011 Share Posted 21 September, 2011 My wife burst into the bedroom naked to find me masturbating last night. "Do you need finishing off?" She winked. "Its ok babe," I replied. "I've lost my erection now." "Shall I help get it back?" She giggled. "Sure," I smiled. "Give it a good slam on your way out." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 24 September, 2011 Share Posted 24 September, 2011 1. The Cape Times (Cape Town) "I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannessburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment". "We asked him to clean the lifts, and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied, 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there.' Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for PCFC." OK so the last four letters were changed, but the rest is an actual quote - made I LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 25 September, 2011 Share Posted 25 September, 2011 I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' the other day and I must say I was very pleased with the result. Those piranhas don't **** about do they. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 25 September, 2011 Share Posted 25 September, 2011 I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' the other day and I must say I was very pleased with the result. Those piranhas don't **** about do they. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 26 September, 2011 Share Posted 26 September, 2011 The barman said: "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino enters a bar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quickfire Double Posted 26 September, 2011 Share Posted 26 September, 2011 The barman said: "Sorry, we don't serve neutrinos." A neutrino enters a bar. This is the CRAP jokes thread: there's no place for that joke here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevvy Posted 26 September, 2011 Share Posted 26 September, 2011 A woman walks in to HMV and asks the lad behind the counter, "Have you Jingle Bell on 12 inches" "Sorry we havent, but i have Dangle Balls on 10" he replies She replies "thats not a record", He replies,"its not far off" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 28 September, 2011 Author Share Posted 28 September, 2011 I got in trouble with the Royal Mail today. The manager went postal on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 28 September, 2011 Share Posted 28 September, 2011 I got an angry letter from Screw Fix today. Apparently they aren't a dating agency!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 29 September, 2011 Share Posted 29 September, 2011 I think I must be getting old....got so **** faced last night that I couldn't even find my car so I took a bus. Never driven one before but it got me home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 30 September, 2011 Share Posted 30 September, 2011 Me and the missus had a blazing row earlier, I ended up giving her a slap. 5 minutes later, we ended up having the best sex ever. Looks like I'm going to have to wait for my tea though, she's still unconscious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supersonic Posted 30 September, 2011 Share Posted 30 September, 2011 I bought Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for xmas.. ..he reckons it's the most violent book he's ever read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SO5 4BW Posted 1 October, 2011 Share Posted 1 October, 2011 I think I must be getting old....got so **** faced last night that I couldn't even find my car so I took a bus. Never driven one before but it got me home Two skates on a night out. At the end of the evening they find they've missed the last bus and there's no taxis. They're walking past the bus depot and they decide to steal a bus. One keeps watch while the other one jumps over the depot wall. The one outside waits. And waits. And waits some more. Eventually the second one turns up, at the wheel of a double decker. 'What kept you so long? I was getting worried' says the first 'Sorry it took a while' says the second, 'but the Leigh Park one was at the back'... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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