scotty Posted 3 February, 2012 Share Posted 3 February, 2012 and still they come.... #1. How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? On the rocks #2. What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? Leeks #3. What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? Follow the captain #4. When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied, "off course." #5. The captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship. #6. I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down. #7. The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker. #8. What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? - Nothing. The bottom's been ripped out of both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nellie Posted 3 February, 2012 Share Posted 3 February, 2012 My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa with a sad look on her face. "Cheer up," I said. "Oh I'm OK," she sighed, "just a bit sad." "You're fab," I said. "Thanks," she said. "You're mine," I said. "I know silly!" she chuckled. "I love you," I said. "Aww!" she gushed, "that's so lovely!" "Marry me," I said. She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal: "Yes!" she bellowed. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" I looked up at her and said, "Yes what?" "Yes, I will marry you!" she beamed. "You must be joking" I said. "Here, have a Love Heart." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 3 February, 2012 Share Posted 3 February, 2012 I hear that Chris Huhne's ex wife is replacing John Terry as England captain as she's better at taking penalties... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Secret Site Agent Posted 8 February, 2012 Share Posted 8 February, 2012 In the Sun they are offering football tickets for £9.50. So I sent off £9.50 for Portsmouth Due to a mailing error, they accepted my offer and I now own the whole team. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 February, 2012 Share Posted 9 February, 2012 Following Capellos resignation, Sky Sports asked Redknapp if he's interested in the euros. He said "Certainly. Stick them in a brown envelope and keep quiet about it" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lighthouse Posted 12 February, 2012 Share Posted 12 February, 2012 http://www.bigbustycoons.com Wow, those guys run some seriously good bus companies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cestrian Saint Posted 13 February, 2012 Share Posted 13 February, 2012 http://www.conjunctivitis.com That's a site for sore eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 14 February, 2012 Share Posted 14 February, 2012 what six inches and not getting sucked this valentines day.....Whitneys crack pipe!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teddy Nutkins Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Arsenal" are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 (edited) We need more "knock knock" jokes on here! Here's a good one I just heard: Knock knock....... Knock knock....... Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.... Hurry up Whitney, I need a sh!t. . Edited 16 February, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey_saint Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 come on! my joke was about as insensitive as the one above! ....and it got pulled lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 oh sh!t are jokes sposed to be sensitive now? am I in trouble? I don't think I even know any unnoffensive jokes! Do they even exist? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey_saint Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 I mean, I could give you the "what's blue and fooks old grannies?...hyperthermia" one but I'd assume that's a wee bit offensive.... no, to be honest, doing a joke about cot death may be a wee bit off the mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 hypothermia Oh I remember that one it was what's a foot long meaty and makes girls scream? That was pretty sick but i still looooled. i guess anything goes cept kids and blacks. you've got to keep it smart people! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 oh it were stiff too weren't it? probably don't work if it ain't stiff cos ur sposed to think its my boner. which also dont work if it aint stiff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey_saint Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 or maybe the (if you stand like Jesus on the cross, arms stretched) and say "did you know jesus was well hung?" and if someone replies yeah was he? (you stay in that position) and reply "this big!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 come on! my joke was about as insensitive as the one above! ....and it got pulled lol I dont suppose all that many of whitney houstons family are regulars on this site, but theres likely to be some on here that have been affected by cot deaths. If I really put my mind to it I guess I could come up with a few gags about stillbirths or miscarriages, but I doubt they would be terribly well received. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 yeah i thought he was out of order too scotty. i hope his kids die. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey_saint Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 harsh!.....it's a shame we don't have a like button here......I will point out though that we MAY have a few readers dealing with addictions like Whitney, so actually, it's probably nearly as bad. Although I told it in the US and no-one got it until I realised it was "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome SIDS" there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 17 February, 2012 Share Posted 17 February, 2012 Jokes here are either crap, funny, tasteless and funny but not tasteless and unfunny. If the cot death one is funny to you, I guess it's because you're don't have an instinctive empathy for the concepts of the words that you write or say. That's why I found all those ethiopian and racist jokes funny when I was a kid - because I had no understanding or education of the subject matter. Maybe I've been brainwashed. Now for some proper crap jokes: Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. I was walking through the cemetery the other day and saw 6 blokes carrying a coffin. An hour later, saw the same guys wandering around with the same coffin. I thought to myself - "They've lost the plot" I was invited to a party at the embassy and the invite said "Dress to Kill". The false beard, turban and backpack didn't go down too well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hockey_saint Posted 17 February, 2012 Share Posted 17 February, 2012 yeah because NOBODY is going to be offended by the bottom one there...ARE they and actually I'll quote above "That was pretty sick but i still looooled." so I appear to not have been the only one that found it mildly amusing. Fact is, insensitive jokes like the "Dress to kill" and the "Young girls scream"(I'll call it that) will offend someone, there is no way around it. For example, a close friend of mine was murdered by Bin Laden's lot in the 7/7 London underground attacks so I could take offence from it....but I don't. OK, Rubbish joke time: "what did one spice say to the other spice?...I'm just cumin!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 17 February, 2012 Share Posted 17 February, 2012 (edited) "what did one spice say to the other spice?...I'm just cumin!" . Edited 17 February, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 18 February, 2012 Share Posted 18 February, 2012 FFS What is with all the debate?? I've had enough. You can stick this thread up your ar5e. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 18 February, 2012 Share Posted 18 February, 2012 Dad gets home to find his 17 yr old daughter with a big pink dildo up her ar5s. What the hell are you doing he asked? Well, you wont let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute boyfriend. Next night the daughter gets home to find dad drinking a beer with the pink dildo up his ar5e. What the hell are you doing she shouts! Having a beer with your boyfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 19 February, 2012 Share Posted 19 February, 2012 Chilly in portsmouth last night. Heard it was minus 10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 23 February, 2012 Share Posted 23 February, 2012 The wife came out of the bathroom this morning and walked into our bedroom without putting any clothes on. She said "close the curtains, I dont want the neighbours seeing me naked", I said "dont worry, if they see you naked they'll close their own f*cking curtains" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
supersaint316 Posted 23 February, 2012 Share Posted 23 February, 2012 Not so much a joke but I am following a Seagull that's a Saints fan @seagull_Steven seems quite funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 29 February, 2012 Share Posted 29 February, 2012 A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f--k your brains out, and suck your titss dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 1 March, 2012 Share Posted 1 March, 2012 My Wife just told me that Davy Jones of the monkees had died.....At first I didn't believe her, but then I saw her face and now I'm a bereaver. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 2 March, 2012 Share Posted 2 March, 2012 In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath ? Answer. Throw in your washing. We were all having a good laugh when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said '' I dont find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.'' I said '' Sorry mate, did he drown?'' He said '' no, he choked on a sock '' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 2 March, 2012 Share Posted 2 March, 2012 That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to tell the wife to sit on my face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 3 March, 2012 Share Posted 3 March, 2012 That's the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to tell the wife to sit on my face. Genuine LOL moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simples Posted 3 March, 2012 Share Posted 3 March, 2012 I've just seen the menu for the Portsmouth FC corporate hospitality today and noticed the starter is "Administroni soup" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 March, 2012 Share Posted 7 March, 2012 A Portsmouth woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 7 March, 2012 Share Posted 7 March, 2012 How come The Skates never get mentioned on Star Trek? Star Trek is set in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 7 March, 2012 Share Posted 7 March, 2012 The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.' Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 8 March, 2012 Share Posted 8 March, 2012 Ranger's administrator is delighted to tell the fans that he's found a German billionaire to buy the club. He's not sure how to tell them that its The Pope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 8 March, 2012 Share Posted 8 March, 2012 A tourist in a pub in Florida asks an Irishman sitting at the bar, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards into the water off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fookin' boat." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevvy Posted 8 March, 2012 Share Posted 8 March, 2012 Pompey have got a new TV deal, The history channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 8 March, 2012 Share Posted 8 March, 2012 Q: How do you tell the sex of a chromosome? A: Pull down its genes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 8 March, 2012 Share Posted 8 March, 2012 Mushroom in bar: “A round of drinks for everyone!” Customer: “Well, he seems like a fun guy.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 8 March, 2012 Share Posted 8 March, 2012 (edited) If you're a geek then try these next time you want to pull a laydee... I wish I could be your derivative so I could be tangent to your curves. Hey babe, wanna see the exponential growth of my natural log? Baby, I know my chemistry, and you’ve got one significant figure. If I were an enzyme I’d be DNA Helicase so I could unzip your genes. Hey, baby; wanna test the ‘k’ of my bedsprings? Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I am around you. How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the digits of your phone number? Edited 20 March, 2012 by Doctoroncall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 8 March, 2012 Share Posted 8 March, 2012 Why did the white bear dissolve in water? It was a polar bear. I had a girlfriend once who would ball her clothes up and cram them into her dresser. When I commented, she said that she protein folded her clothes. That completely won me over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 8 March, 2012 Share Posted 8 March, 2012 A man picks up a magazine called 'Bald and Barely Legal', only to be disappointed to find it full of pictures of tyres. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulSaint Posted 11 March, 2012 Share Posted 11 March, 2012 A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce The effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits." She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 11 March, 2012 Share Posted 11 March, 2012 The Chinese Paralympic 5 a side team has just been announced: Sim Pul Tuat Won Lim Gon Won Kee I Fu Kin Mong Torres Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 12 March, 2012 Share Posted 12 March, 2012 Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont . Their first night there, she undressed and so did he. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 12 March, 2012 Share Posted 12 March, 2012 US Investigators report locals burning copies of KERRAAANG sparked yesterday's Afghan masacre...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 14 March, 2012 Share Posted 14 March, 2012 The other night my wife agreed to try role play to spice up our love life. So I suggested “You dress up as Whitney Houston and I'll run you a bath” ************************** I was talking to my Grandad the other day and he saying how the cost of living was disgusting..... I said “tell me something I don’t know”, to which he replied, “I can fit my whole fist in Gran’s arse” ************************** A Mum cleaning her 12 year old son’s bedroom finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags she asks her husband, "What do I do?" Her hubby said, "I'm not sure, but I wouldn't f*cking spank him" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 16 March, 2012 Share Posted 16 March, 2012 A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners". "You must abstain from sex for an entire month." The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable". "We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts". "But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at B&Q anymore, either". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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