scotty Posted 27 September, 2012 Share Posted 27 September, 2012 I'm guessing Megan Stammer's "What I did in my holiday" essay is going to be one hell of a read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 28 September, 2012 Share Posted 28 September, 2012 They just found the missing teenager in a bar drinking Teachers... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 28 September, 2012 Share Posted 28 September, 2012 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 29 September, 2012 Share Posted 29 September, 2012 I'm going to a conference on Monday themed: "The Exploitation of Disabled People in Society" I'm taking my paraplegic neighbour because I can get in free if I pretend to be his carer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 30 September, 2012 Share Posted 30 September, 2012 There's a new exam paper question... If a 30 year old maths teacher takes a 15 year old pupil 120 miles to France at an average speed of 40mph, how many years will he be in prison? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 "Justin Bieber vomits onstage during concert"!! That confirms it. She's pregnant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheese on Toast Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 Conunctivtis.com That's a site for sore eyes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 I like that joke cheesey. It's clever. I ain't quite sure bout the one before from Scotty. I think he's calling Justin Bieber a girl? I dunno. Is that a common rumour? I hadnt that before I didn't know he was a suspected chick or whatever. It'd be like i someone said "I heard David Cameron just threw up, that confirms it, she's pregnant." I'd be a bit meh unless I'd previously been thinking that David Camerons was a girl and then maybe I'd be a bit lol. Maybe I'm missing something tho! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 I like that joke cheesey. It's clever. I ain't quite sure bout the one before from Scotty. I think he's calling Justin Bieber a girl? I dunno. Is that a common rumour? I hadnt that before I didn't know he was a suspected chick or whatever. It'd be like i someone said "I heard David Cameron just threw up, that confirms it, she's pregnant." I'd be a bit meh unless I'd previously been thinking that David Camerons was a girl and then maybe I'd be a bit lol. Maybe I'm missing something tho! Ok, try this one. Justin Bieber has thrown up onstage during a concert. Apparently he heard the news about Jimmy Saville, and his gag reflex kicked in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 I dunno bout that one either Scotty. I ain't entirely sure what it's bout, did Justin Bieber used to suck off Jimmy Saville? Is that what we're saying now? I think you've got to start with the things I know bout Justin Biebers. You're coming from a position that he is either a) a girl or b) was sexually molested by Jimmy Saville. I didn't previously know bout these things which i think is why I'm just staring quizzically at the screen. Here is things I know bout Justin Biebers, you need to start with one of these things: a) Justin Biebers is popular amongst pre-pubes girls 2) Justin Biebers is known for having a haircut iv) I don't really know anything else bout Justin Biebers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 I know about the same as bearsy. Did he smoke weed with his dad or something as well? Maybe got a tattoo with him? I remember he was in the news with his dad and people were saying "he can't do that" and other people were saying "its ok, if he is doing it with his dad as it is better than doing it with his mates". I think he is also responsible for skinny male teenagers having fringes that are too big, so big that they have to keep flicking them out of their eyes every 5 minutes. As cheesy is 12 years old maybe he can clarify? Once this has been done, we can all laugh at Scotty's jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheese on Toast Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 I know about the same as bearsy. Did he smoke weed with his dad or something as well? Maybe got a tattoo with him? I remember he was in the news with his dad and people were saying "he can't do that" and other people were saying "its ok, if he is doing it with his dad as it is better than doing it with his mates". I think he is also responsible for skinny male teenagers having fringes that are too big, so big that they have to keep flicking them out of their eyes every 5 minutes. As cheesy is 12 years old maybe he can clarify? Once this has been done, we can all laugh at Scotty's jokes. what on earth makes you think I'm 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 13 then. Jesus, kids can be so precious bout their age! Like I've just turned 93 but if someone calls me 92 or 96 or whatever it don't bother me at all but when i was like 8 if someone was calling me 7 I'd of shanked them mofos big time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 what on earth makes you think I'm 12 25-09-2012, 02:48 PM 25-09-2012, 02:30 PM Thread: Cheese On Toast by Cheese on Toast Replies 12 Views 350 Cheese On Toast Guys, I know Cheese or 'Cheesy' is a great laugh in this forum, but he is actually special needs and needs help. How do I know? Because I'm his carer, so lets just take it easy. Thread: Cheese On Toast by Cheese on Toast Replies 12 Views 350 He's 12 and is a very bored lad in a loony bin.... He's 12 and is a very bored lad in a loony bin. Wants attention... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheese on Toast Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 25-09-2012, 02:48 PM 25-09-2012, 02:30 PM Thread: Cheese On Toast by Cheese on Toast Replies 12 Views 350 Cheese On Toast Guys, I know Cheese or 'Cheesy' is a great laugh in this forum, but he is actually special needs and needs help. How do I know? Because I'm his carer, so lets just take it easy. Thread: Cheese On Toast by Cheese on Toast Replies 12 Views 350 He's 12 and is a very bored lad in a loony bin.... He's 12 and is a very bored lad in a loony bin. Wants attention... And you believe what someone claiming to be my carer says? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 Bloody hell! that was quick. Were you sitting in front of the screen, absolutely fuming at being called 12, your mum calling you for tea, just waiting for me to reply? I don't know mate. You wrote it, make up you mind. How old are you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheese on Toast Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 Bloody hell! that was quick. Were you sitting in front of the screen, absolutely fuming at being called 12, your mum calling you for tea, just waiting for me to reply? I don't know mate. You wrote it, make up you mind. How old are you? Old enough Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 Old enough I'm not your maths teacher! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 I'm not your maths teacher! Say that in french. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheese on Toast Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 Say that in french. Je ne suis pas votre prof des mathematics Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 1 October, 2012 Share Posted 1 October, 2012 Why isn't base-12 funny? Because 9, 10, 11. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 2 October, 2012 Share Posted 2 October, 2012 Is that like the other base joke, which I understood but can't remember? Doctor, many of your jokes are funny, but perhaps you need to include a commentary for those of us without physics degrees. And the conjunctivitis joke is another re-post from an earlier page, please perform a search before posting jokes, it is in the FAQ. Many is the time I have raced to the last page of the suppository and felt deflated when there is only one new joke and it has already been posted. How many benefit cheats does it take to change a lightbulb. None, because they are all genuinely ill and can't reach up that high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 2 October, 2012 Share Posted 2 October, 2012 Jimmy Saville had to stop going to church. The priests kept fighting over who got to hear his confession. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 2 October, 2012 Share Posted 2 October, 2012 Is you making all these jokes up yourself Scotty? I feel like most people is just repeating what they is getting spammed with on Facebooks. When people is making up their own jokes can they be adding a © Muppet Shows Limited or something at the end so we can retain intellectual properties? I mean not so much Scotty's Justin Bieber ones or Doctoroncall's math gags, but like any good ones that Jimmy Carr might be pinching. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 2 October, 2012 Share Posted 2 October, 2012 I thought you were Jimmy Carr bear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 2 October, 2012 Share Posted 2 October, 2012 Shhhh I'm trying to get Scotty to sign all his jokes over to my offshore tax haven, Muppet Shows Limited of Monaco. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 2 October, 2012 Share Posted 2 October, 2012 No facebook for me bearsy. Most of the jokes I post on here are either what some mate or another has texted to me, or something I've thought of and texted to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 2 October, 2012 Share Posted 2 October, 2012 So Schrodinger and Heisenberg are driving down the road, and Heisenberg says: Hey, I think you just ran over a cat. And Schrodinger says: Is he dead? And Heisenberg says, I can't be certain. Heisenberg - famous for his uncertainty 'principle' in quantum mechanics in 1927. the uncertainty principle (for position and momentum) states that one cannot assign exact simultaneous values to the position and momentum of a physical system. Rather, these quantities can only be determined with some characteristic ‘uncertainties’ that cannot become arbitrarily small simultaneously. Schrödinger's cat, the famous thought experiment that illustrates the paradox of quantum mechanics when applied to everyday objects. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 2 October, 2012 Share Posted 2 October, 2012 Is that like the other base joke, which I understood but can't remember? Yep... Why is six afraid of seven... Because 7, 8, 9! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctoroncall Posted 2 October, 2012 Share Posted 2 October, 2012 If the silver surfer and iron man team up they would be alloys. A man was in a hot-air balloon. Soon he found himself lost with nothing but green fields for as far as the eye could see. Eventually, he happened to float over a man who was walking his dog. He leaned over the basket and yelled out, "Hello! Where am I?" The man on the ground replied, "You're about 20 feet above the ground in a hot- air balloon." The balloonist cursed him and shouted back, "You must be a statistician." "Why do you say that?" asked the man on the ground. "Well," shouted the balloonist, "You're absolutely correct but your answer was completely useless." "Oh I see," replied the walker, "And you must be a manager." "Actually, you're right," said the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the walker, "First you were lost. Then, after working out what information you needed to sort yourself out, you asked someone else to get it for you. Now, that you have the information, you're still lost, but it's someone else's fault." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 4 October, 2012 Share Posted 4 October, 2012 I wish people would stop doing Jimmy Savile jokes, that means you and you and you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 4 October, 2012 Share Posted 4 October, 2012 They just found Jimmy Savile's diary. His last entry was nearly 10 years old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 4 October, 2012 Share Posted 4 October, 2012 Esther found jimmy's diary, Apparently the last entry was about 12 years old. They just found Jimmy Savile's diary. His last entry was nearly 10 years old. Scotty!!! aka Jimmy Carr, now I know where you get your jokes from.... The lounge! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 4 October, 2012 Share Posted 4 October, 2012 So Schrodinger and Heisenberg are driving down the road, and Heisenberg says: Hey, I think you just ran over a cat. And Schrodinger says: Is he dead? And Heisenberg says, I can't be certain. Heisenberg - famous for his uncertainty 'principle' in quantum mechanics in 1927. the uncertainty principle (for position and momentum) states that one cannot assign exact simultaneous values to the position and momentum of a physical system. Rather, these quantities can only be determined with some characteristic ‘uncertainties’ that cannot become arbitrarily small simultaneously. Schrödinger's cat, the famous thought experiment that illustrates the paradox of quantum mechanics when applied to everyday objects. Ta - I get this, please explain the base 12 joke. Honestly at a medics review, I'm sure you'd go down a storm, you wouldn't have to do the explanations. It is only the fact that I laugh at your jokes which I understand which means I want to understand the jokes at which I do not laugh, but am confused. of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 4 October, 2012 Share Posted 4 October, 2012 Scotty!!! aka Jimmy Carr, now I know where you get your jokes from.... The lounge! Texted to me by a drunken mate usually, as was that one. Then forwarded to all and sundry, including this dive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 4 October, 2012 Share Posted 4 October, 2012 14 and still a virgin? Jim'll fix it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 5 October, 2012 Share Posted 5 October, 2012 So Abu Hamza has finally been extradited. And there was me thinking he was off the hook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acersaint Posted 6 October, 2012 Share Posted 6 October, 2012 What's the difference between a greyhound and Jimmy Saville? The greyhound waits for the hair to come out!!! BOOM BOOM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 October, 2012 Share Posted 7 October, 2012 I was keeping a cautious eye on my daughter and her new boyfriend with my hidden security camera today. Well, you cant be too careful, there are a lot of weirdos out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 8 October, 2012 Share Posted 8 October, 2012 My ex-girlfriend walked past me today and didn't even notice I was there. I'm getting better at this stalking lark. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Jimmy Saviles family have removed his headstone, chiselled off the inscription and picture, broken it into rubble and chucked it in a skip. Well, at least its saved me the trouble. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheese on Toast Posted 11 October, 2012 Share Posted 11 October, 2012 Korean meatballs really are the dog's b0llocks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 12 October, 2012 Share Posted 12 October, 2012 Alan Pardew has told his Newcastle players to forget about the Wonga deal. 'Just get out there and give me 4107%!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 12 October, 2012 Share Posted 12 October, 2012 The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead" I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a vvank Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 12 October, 2012 Share Posted 12 October, 2012 Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a sh*tty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bottom and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 14 October, 2012 Share Posted 14 October, 2012 One for Doctor on call: Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, 'If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm... uh...' The barman says, 'Y, the long face?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 17 October, 2012 Share Posted 17 October, 2012 A man has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 17 October, 2012 Share Posted 17 October, 2012 Shocking Revelations - After Saville, Tony Hart!!! Alledgedly Morph complained he was a Play-Doh-phile Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilippineSaint Posted 19 October, 2012 Share Posted 19 October, 2012 A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’ Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilippineSaint Posted 19 October, 2012 Share Posted 19 October, 2012 Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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