Saint_Pedro Posted 22 February, 2013 Share Posted 22 February, 2013 swear filter ...... try again G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?" "I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the muff by a hornet...now her vag has completely closed up!!! " "Bummer mate" "Great idea!! Thanks mate!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 22 February, 2013 Share Posted 22 February, 2013 Paddy was arrested for punching his wife - again. The judge asks, "Tell me, Mr Molloy, why do you keep beating her?" Paddy replies, "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork ..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 22 February, 2013 Share Posted 22 February, 2013 Apparently another Olympian has been arrested for gun crime...................... Ellie Simmonds is up on a small arms charge. Definitely in the "Im going straight to hell for laughing at that joke'" category. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 22 February, 2013 Share Posted 22 February, 2013 Its time to stop with the Oscar Pistorious jokes, I haven't been able to repeat a single one of them to my friends. I hate this f*cking lisp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SNSUN Posted 23 February, 2013 Share Posted 23 February, 2013 My missus loves word jumbles because she claims she's a "fact nut". Yeah, well I've got another anagram for that for her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 25 February, 2013 Share Posted 25 February, 2013 Women of Pretoria, take note. The Pistorious boys are on a hat-trick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miltonroader07 Posted 25 February, 2013 Share Posted 25 February, 2013 I saw a car in town today with a sticker on the back window saying; I miss Portsmouth, so I slashed their tyres stole the radio and keyed the car. I left a note; I hope that helps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 26 February, 2013 Share Posted 26 February, 2013 Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
110_Persaint Posted 26 February, 2013 Share Posted 26 February, 2013 Looks as though Arsene Wenger might be looking to Oscar Pistorius in the Summer transfer window after reports claimed he had more shots on target in 9 seconds than Arsenal did in 90 minutes against Bayern Munich. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special K Posted 27 February, 2013 Share Posted 27 February, 2013 I was surfing the net on the computer the other night when the wife came in and asked what i was looking at. "Flights" I said. "I love you!" she said, got down on her knees and gave me the best BJ i'd had in years. Strange, i didn't think she liked darts. Took the wife dogging the other night, but by the time she'd finished parking the car, everyone had got bored and ****ed off home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 28 February, 2013 Share Posted 28 February, 2013 At last, some good news for Britain's small-business sector amongst the economic gloom. Profits soaring at Stamford Bridge Taxis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ampersound Posted 1 March, 2013 Share Posted 1 March, 2013 A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat *****." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 1 March, 2013 Share Posted 1 March, 2013 I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
100%Red&White Posted 1 March, 2013 Share Posted 1 March, 2013 First Tesco, now B&Q. Their flooring has been found to contain lamb-in-it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 8 March, 2013 Share Posted 8 March, 2013 "If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing. Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
100%Red&White Posted 8 March, 2013 Share Posted 8 March, 2013 The wife was trying to be sexy last night. She lay on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her fanny and then licking it "Steady love", I said, "You'll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 21 March, 2013 Share Posted 21 March, 2013 I can't believe how wild my sex life has got since I reached my 50th birthday. Just this morning, I was laying there half-asleep when she murmured my name and told me to relax, then slipped a finger into my arsehole. I orgasmed within seconds. These NHS prostate exams are brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 22 March, 2013 Share Posted 22 March, 2013 The Vatican had a problem paying the wages of the new Pope as he didn't have a bank account. He had to open a PayPal account. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 22 March, 2013 Share Posted 22 March, 2013 The Vatican had a problem paying the wages of the new Pope as he didn't have a bank account. He had to open a PayPal account. F**k me, his first miracle!! I wish I had the skillz to open a PayPal account without a bank account. THAT is why he is Pope and I'm writing on here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 22 March, 2013 Share Posted 22 March, 2013 Went on a date with a dolphin last night. It was great, we just clicked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cascadia Saint Posted 22 March, 2013 Share Posted 22 March, 2013 What do call a French man wearing flip flops? Phillipe Fallop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 22 March, 2013 Share Posted 22 March, 2013 The have a new vegetarian snack meal in Korea. Not Poodle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 24 March, 2013 Share Posted 24 March, 2013 I rang the missus from A&E this morning, to tell her that I had severed my my finger, "not the whole finger" she cried, "no" I replied, "the one next to it". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 26 March, 2013 Share Posted 26 March, 2013 My wife asked me to help think up a four-letter pincode for her favourite online fashion website, one that she wouldn't forget. All I could come up with was "XXXL", and thats why I've got this black eye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 27 March, 2013 Share Posted 27 March, 2013 Turns out Phil Neville doesn’t have the worst first touch in his family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MongoNeil Posted 27 March, 2013 Share Posted 27 March, 2013 I'm running a charity event in a couple of weeks to raise money for people who can't reach orgasm. If anyone can't come, can you please let me know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ampersound Posted 28 March, 2013 Share Posted 28 March, 2013 I was out last night when a really ugly bird pinches my arse and goes "give me your number sexy", I said "do you have a pen?" , she smiled and said "yes". "Well **** off back to it before the farmer notices you are missing" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mightysaints Posted 28 March, 2013 Share Posted 28 March, 2013 I was out last night when a really ugly bird pinches my arse and goes "give me your number sexy", I said "do you have a pen?" , she smiled and said "yes". "Well **** off back to it before the farmer notices you are missing" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 30 March, 2013 Share Posted 30 March, 2013 Is there no end to Rolf Harris's musical talents? Hit songwriter, singer, virtuoso on didgeridoo and wobble-board, and now we find out he's also an expert fiddler. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 April, 2013 Share Posted 1 April, 2013 Sunderland FC. From Black Cats to Blackshirts in 24 hours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 3 April, 2013 Share Posted 3 April, 2013 Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland" "That is remarkable value" Michael comments "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please. O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro." "I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir" O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro." O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary," "I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second" "I will never use this bar again "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 April, 2013 Share Posted 3 April, 2013 Paulo Di Canio has just issued all Sunderland fans with club uniforms, and announced a pre-season friendly tour of Poland. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 3 April, 2013 Share Posted 3 April, 2013 Paulo Di Canio has just issued all Sunderland fans with club uniforms, and announced a pre-season friendly tour of Poland. Surely it. Would be Abyssinia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 April, 2013 Share Posted 3 April, 2013 Surely it. Would be Abyssinia Historically, yes. Didn't seem as funny to me tbh. Incidentally, did you know Di Canio has petitioned Sunderland Borough Council for the removal of all prominent lampposts, just in case? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 5 April, 2013 Share Posted 5 April, 2013 LONELY HEARTS ADVERT; Premature ejaculator seeks a young attractive woman for fling..... must have large breasts, big lips, a tight ar*e, and ........ aaaaaw, f*cksake!!..., never mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 5 April, 2013 Share Posted 5 April, 2013 Japanese scientists have developed an MRI scanner which can "read" a person's dreams with 60% accuracy. If they were to put me through it and assume that my sister-in-law is going to be involved, I reckon I could boost that percentage to 93. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 5 April, 2013 Share Posted 5 April, 2013 Historically, yes. Didn't seem as funny to me tbh. Incidentally, did you know Di Canio has petitioned Sunderland Borough Council for the removal of all prominent lampposts, just in case?Just me showing off my history knowledge Scotty,Lol. keep them coming though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 5 April, 2013 Share Posted 5 April, 2013 Just me showing off my history knowledge Scotty,Lol. keep them coming though No problem Nick, and what else would I do with my time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 5 April, 2013 Share Posted 5 April, 2013 As I sipped my drink at the hotel bar, a tall, elegant hooker slid onto the next barstool. She leaned towards me and murmured "if you're staying here alone, perhaps you'd like to buy me a drink." "I am alone," I said, "but I'm not looking for company." "Why not?" she pouted. "Don't you find me attractive?" "Of course I do", I replied, "but this is the wrong time. You see, I buried my wife this morning." "Oh, I'm so sorry," she sympathised. "How did she die?" "I just told you," I said. "I buried her." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 5 April, 2013 Share Posted 5 April, 2013 (edited) what hotel was this scotty? Edit - I think tokyos mum works there. Edited 5 April, 2013 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 5 April, 2013 Share Posted 5 April, 2013 It's the Keiyo Plaza in Shinjuku bear. I know, a similar thing happened to me there but my wife wasn't dead so it was a happy ending all round. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 5 April, 2013 Share Posted 5 April, 2013 Ok tks I'll have to check that hotel out. I was sorry to hear bout scotty's wife tho. Lots of the stuff he puts on here seems to be bout things she said or done. It's a shame there won't be no more of that. PS - Sorry for ur loss scotty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 5 April, 2013 Share Posted 5 April, 2013 Ok tks I'll have to check that hotel out. I was sorry to hear bout scotty's wife tho. Lots of the stuff he puts on here seems to be bout things she said or done. It's a shame there won't be no more of that. PS - Sorry for ur loss scotty. Thanks, bear. Heres another one for you; A girl went into a bar and asked for a Double Entendre. Except she didn't, because theres no such drink Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 April, 2013 Share Posted 7 April, 2013 If only Mick Philpott had treated his kids like his batteries. Pack of six, full of energy, and not to be disposed of in fire. Still, at least he's the one being charged. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 April, 2013 Share Posted 7 April, 2013 Paulo Di Canio insists he is not a fascist. At least, I think that was the gist of the five-hour speech he gave from his hotel balcony. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaMarlin Posted 7 April, 2013 Share Posted 7 April, 2013 A former Star Trek actor has been forced to close down his womens' lingerie business after reporting poor sales at Shatner Knickers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 11 April, 2013 Share Posted 11 April, 2013 Involuntary Expression Disorder. A psychological condition causing the sufferer to erupt into spontaneous, hysterical and uncontrollable laughter in sad and inappropriate circumstances, such as during a funeral. A mass outbreak is predicted in the UK next Wednesday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 13 April, 2013 Share Posted 13 April, 2013 Just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 13 April, 2013 Share Posted 13 April, 2013 Two Muslims have just crashed a speed boat into the Thames Barrier. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 13 April, 2013 Share Posted 13 April, 2013 The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name, until he finally put tu and tu together! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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