Saint in Paradise Posted 21 December, 2013 Share Posted 21 December, 2013 (edited) To whom on here it may concern. https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1503419_10203256200872961_832049680_n.jpg . Edited 21 December, 2013 by Saint in Paradise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 21 December, 2013 Share Posted 21 December, 2013 ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 21 December, 2013 Share Posted 21 December, 2013 I've just bought a Man United lamp - it looks great in the middle of the table... Like :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 21 December, 2013 Share Posted 21 December, 2013 Not another tasteless Mandela joke I thought as the text arrived saying 'What's brown and stiff?' Turns out it was talking about Tom Daley's c*ck...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 21 December, 2013 Share Posted 21 December, 2013 After hearing that Britain's top diver had revealed he was gay, the P.F.A. have announced they will support Ashley Young through these difficult times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Convict Colony Posted 21 December, 2013 Share Posted 21 December, 2013 What's the definition of relative humidity ? The sweat on your b*llocks when your ****ing your sister. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 21 December, 2013 Share Posted 21 December, 2013 We were in the car, and my wife said "your phone just buzzed." "Its only a text," I replied. "I'll deal with it later." She picked it up off the dashboard, tapped the screen and peered at it closely. "I thought so," she sneered, glaring at me. "Its yet another bad joke from your mate about how women are terrible drivers." "Watch the f*cking road" I replied. "You've just run a red light." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 21 December, 2013 Share Posted 21 December, 2013 Since I moved into the retirement home, I've finally had to accept that I'm going senile. I dont know whether it's me or the bloke sat next to me that's shat himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 30 December, 2013 Share Posted 30 December, 2013 Nicolas Anelka has promised not to repeat his nazi goal celebration. Until he plays Spurs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 31 December, 2013 Share Posted 31 December, 2013 My wife is leaving me because of my snobbery. How vulgar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 2 January, 2014 Share Posted 2 January, 2014 Las Vagas and Portsmouth The only places in the world you can pay for sex with chips.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 8 January, 2014 Share Posted 8 January, 2014 I just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I'll keep you posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smirking_Saint Posted 8 January, 2014 Share Posted 8 January, 2014 I just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for this, Im sceptical whether the egg will arrive in one piece, did you pay for special delivery ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 9 January, 2014 Share Posted 9 January, 2014 when my mum sends me easter egg in post she smashes it up first + pours the broken bits into a jiffy bag. I spose she does this for cheaper postage, but when i open the jiffy bag and view the carnage i find it sinister, like threat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey Grandad Posted 9 January, 2014 Share Posted 9 January, 2014 when my mum sends me easter egg in post she smashes it up first + pours the broken bits into a jiffy bag. I spose she does this for cheaper postage, but when i open the jiffy bag and view the carnage i find it sinister, like threat. Maybe it was in one piece when she put it in the Jiffy bag? I've received lots of broken stuff like that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 9 January, 2014 Share Posted 9 January, 2014 Thanks for this, Im sceptical whether the egg will arrive in one piece, did you pay for special delivery ? No, I wanted to make it a fair race. Still no sign of either yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 9 January, 2014 Share Posted 9 January, 2014 What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 9 January, 2014 Share Posted 9 January, 2014 A load of dumb bears going on about Easter eggs? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 9 January, 2014 Share Posted 9 January, 2014 A load of dumb bears going on about Easter eggs? Fark me is it Easter already? Jeez must have overslept, thought it was NYE when I went to bed last night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 9 January, 2014 Share Posted 9 January, 2014 And a drunken old golf pro... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintbletch Posted 9 January, 2014 Share Posted 9 January, 2014 when my mum sends me easter egg in post she smashes it up first + pours the broken bits into a jiffy bag. I spose she does this for cheaper postage, but when i open the jiffy bag and view the carnage i find it sinister, like threat. If your Mum really cared about the little baby Jesus, she would never do that to one of Holy Mary's womb eggs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 9 January, 2014 Share Posted 9 January, 2014 I just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I'll keep you posted. I was wondering if the chicken has been dispatched? Or is it a live bird? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sussexsaint Posted 10 January, 2014 Share Posted 10 January, 2014 I did this experiment a few months back and they both came at the same time, mind you they were both on the washng machine when it was on the spin cycle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 10 January, 2014 Share Posted 10 January, 2014 One is crossing the road right now, can't see which. I will keep you posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 10 January, 2014 Share Posted 10 January, 2014 One is crossing the road right now, can't see which. I will keep you posted. Oh do stop droning on about Amazon deliveries, it just won't fly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 13 January, 2014 Share Posted 13 January, 2014 One of Mark Duggan's relatives was struck by an unseen assailant at the vigil on Saturday. Police are waiting to interview Jason Puncheon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 13 January, 2014 Share Posted 13 January, 2014 Roberto Martinez, Arsene Wenger, David Moyes, Jose Mourinho, and Brendan Rogers are sitting in a bar. Roberto Martinez buys the first round, Mourinho the second, and Wenger the third. When Rogers goes up for his turn he places a drink down in front of Jose, Roberto, and Arsene, but not David. "Where's mine ?" asks the Man Utd manager. "Sorry mate, this is the fourth round" comes the reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 13 January, 2014 Share Posted 13 January, 2014 I've just driven past a field, where I saw a scarecrow trying to have a w4nk. I think he's clutching at straws. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 14 January, 2014 Share Posted 14 January, 2014 2 nuns driving in a car when suddenly a vampire flys down & lands on the bonnet. "Quick show him your cross" "GET OFF THE ****ING CAR" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 19 January, 2014 Share Posted 19 January, 2014 Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Murder in Poorsmuff: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 19 January, 2014 Share Posted 19 January, 2014 Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 19 January, 2014 Share Posted 19 January, 2014 Woman in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches, the judge wants to be tough on crime and asks 'how many peaches were there in the can?' '6,your honour ' the clerk informs him, to which the judge says 'I'am going to jail you a year for each peach,and so 6 years prison for you' with that her husband jumps up and shouts 'she stole large tin of peas as well' ' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 20 January, 2014 Share Posted 20 January, 2014 You're from Skatesmuff When...... (yeah OK I changed it from redneck but hey) 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2.. The value of your motor goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'. 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'. 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TopGun Posted 22 January, 2014 Share Posted 22 January, 2014 My girl friend sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked,'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 22 January, 2014 Share Posted 22 January, 2014 The Archbishop of Canterbury andThe Royal Commission for Political Correctnessannounced today that the climate in the UKshould no longer be referred to as 'English Weather' Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as: 'Muslim Weather' ( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 23 January, 2014 Share Posted 23 January, 2014 Juan Mata has been unable to sign his contract at Man Utd due to the sh!te pens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 30 January, 2014 Share Posted 30 January, 2014 It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so what about this one: An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club. The bouncer said............. "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 3 February, 2014 Share Posted 3 February, 2014 Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!" "While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care." The man broke down and sobbed. The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fcking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 5 February, 2014 Share Posted 5 February, 2014 "The Seahawks will never win a Superbowl in my lifetime" - Philip Seymour Hoffman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 6 February, 2014 Share Posted 6 February, 2014 Russia has identified a terrorist plot targeting flights to the Winter Olympics with bombs made from toothpaste. The scandal has already been dubbed "Colgate". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 10 February, 2014 Share Posted 10 February, 2014 The 25th anniversary memorial service for the Hillsborough disaster will take place at Anfield in April. As a mark of respect, fans are being encouraged to turn up late and pissed up. Tickets are optional. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 11 February, 2014 Share Posted 11 February, 2014 I ordered a sex toy off the internet. A custom made scale replica of my wife's fanny. I sat waiting for the postman for what seemed like ages. He came down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented, the flaps torn and blowing in the breeze. I thought, they could at least wrapped the fecking thing....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 12 February, 2014 Share Posted 12 February, 2014 Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before." The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 25 February, 2014 Share Posted 25 February, 2014 The funeral director asked my wife if she'd had any thoughts on her mother's final journey. "The usual options are burial or cremation," he said. She glanced at me for support. "I'd like her to be interred," she sniffled. I paused, then said "sorry, was that one word, or two?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 25 February, 2014 Share Posted 25 February, 2014 Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes: Sex with your wife - Legal & General Sex on the telephone - Direct Line Sex with your Partner - Standard Life Sex with someone Different - Go Compare Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels Sex while on the move - Swift cover Sex with a posh bird - Privileged Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union Sex with your maid- Employer's Liability Sex with an O.A.P - Saga Sex resulting in pregnancy- General Accident and finally Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoPints Posted 25 February, 2014 Share Posted 25 February, 2014 Things not to say in a gay bar: "Can I push your stool in for you?" Two pints is better than one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwoPints Posted 25 February, 2014 Share Posted 25 February, 2014 Things not to say in a gay bar: "Can I push your stool in for you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 26 February, 2014 Share Posted 26 February, 2014 You can say that again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 26 February, 2014 Share Posted 26 February, 2014 is can i push ur stool in for you a common thing that people say in bars? I've been thinking about it + I've been to a lot of bars and it's not something that I've ever said. The occasion has never presented itself i spose! I mean i get that it is one of bletch's homonymual jokes but i think it's stretching credulity. If someone was in my way at the bar sitting on a stool i would not say can i push ur stool in for you, i would tap them on the shoulder and then i would glower at them till they moved out of my fucking way, cunts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 26 February, 2014 Share Posted 26 February, 2014 i I've been to a lot of bars and it's not something that I've ever said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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