Saint_Pedro Posted 16 April, 2013 Share Posted 16 April, 2013 Sex is like a game of bridge. If you don't get a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilippineSaint Posted 17 April, 2013 Share Posted 17 April, 2013 Sex is like a game of bridge. If you don't get a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Sounds like you have just been ditched Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 17 April, 2013 Share Posted 17 April, 2013 Nah - she's just gone into hospital for 2 nights...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 19 April, 2013 Share Posted 19 April, 2013 British Rail are lying bastards! They say if you stand too close to the platform edge you'll get sucked off.... 8 hours... 8 ****ing hours I've wasted today!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 19 April, 2013 Share Posted 19 April, 2013 Hillsborough justice campaigner Anne Williams dies at the age of 60. Family and friends are said to be crushed.................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilippineSaint Posted 19 April, 2013 Share Posted 19 April, 2013 British Rail are lying bastards! They say if you stand too close to the platform edge you'll get sucked off.... 8 hours... 8 ****ing hours I've wasted today!!! You should have been on the East coast line then they are much better according to the Guardian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 19 April, 2013 Share Posted 19 April, 2013 Chechnyans identified as Boston bombers. Jubilation sweeps the USA now that they can finally get back to blaming Russia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 19 April, 2013 Share Posted 19 April, 2013 You should have been on the East coast line then they are much better according to the Guardian I wonder if Pap visits this page? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 19 April, 2013 Share Posted 19 April, 2013 A tramp walks past a woman on the edge of a cliff, trying to pluck up the courage to jump off. "If your gonna top yourself, can I have a sh ag first?" says the tramp. "No! Go away you horrible, smelly man." "Fine." he says "I'll just go and wait at the bottom." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rut Posted 20 April, 2013 Share Posted 20 April, 2013 Earlier on I knocked on my neighbour's door and said, 'Can you have my children? I promise I'll be no longer than a few minutes, guaranteed'. 'Sure' she replied. I said, 'Great, get your knickers off then' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mack rill Posted 21 April, 2013 Share Posted 21 April, 2013 i think i've got athlete's foot! Amazing what you find on the street's of Boston. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 22 April, 2013 Share Posted 22 April, 2013 Suarez has been posting inflammatory messages all over Facebook and Twitter about Ivanovich, saying he's an ugly Serbian c*nt who f*cking had it coming. Typical trolling, but he's already had one or two bites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 22 April, 2013 Share Posted 22 April, 2013 Epic Fail First day on job as a news anchor in the US and his first two words are (NSFW) All over FB so some of you may have seen it but still ROFL He got fired by the way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 22 April, 2013 Share Posted 22 April, 2013 The Scottish F.A. have given the green light for the use of goal-line technology. Hawk-eye the noo will be in use from the new season. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 22 April, 2013 Share Posted 22 April, 2013 Took the missus out for a romantic meal last night and we played footsie under the table while we were eating. I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 26 April, 2013 Share Posted 26 April, 2013 Why did god invent yeast infections? So women know what it feels like to live with an irritating c**t Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 26 April, 2013 Share Posted 26 April, 2013 Why did the chicken cross the M62? To get to the hen party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 2 May, 2013 Share Posted 2 May, 2013 "Haaaahahahaaaaa....hahaha......oh, whats happening now???...haaaaaahahahahahaaaa....heeeehehaaaahahaaaa...." "For the last time, will you stop laughing and enter a plea, Mr Hall" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 May, 2013 Share Posted 3 May, 2013 I pity poor Ronnie O'Sullivan, forced to play snooker just for the money. Even if they didn't pay me, I'd still do my job at Dynorod just for the pleasure of flushing out those drains. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 3 May, 2013 Share Posted 3 May, 2013 I hate being Bi Polar It's fecking awesome!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilippineSaint Posted 3 May, 2013 Share Posted 3 May, 2013 I hate being Bi Polar It's fecking awesome!! The Bear would probably like you being Bi Polar with him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Berudenot2 Posted 6 May, 2013 Share Posted 6 May, 2013 They were going to make a reality CSI in Portsmuff until they found that there were no dental records and all the residents shared the same DNA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 May, 2013 Share Posted 7 May, 2013 So many people are sending me bad jokes about Tarbuck, I just don't get it. Am I really the only one who fancies her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 12 May, 2013 Share Posted 12 May, 2013 Roberto Mancini has rubbished claims that a better man has already been lined up to replace him. Just like I did, before the divorce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AussieDog Posted 14 May, 2013 Share Posted 14 May, 2013 My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spa's, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost him £35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 25 May, 2013 Share Posted 25 May, 2013 Next time you fill up, put a tiger in your tank. It makes you dead quick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 30 May, 2013 Share Posted 30 May, 2013 The pictures of the little chinese baby who was rescued after blocking the sewage pipe were really heart warming. The nurses have apparently named him Tam Pon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 30 May, 2013 Share Posted 30 May, 2013 The pictures of the little chinese baby who was rescued after blocking the sewage pipe were really heart warming. Maybe someone should check the size of the sewage pipes in Portugal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 30 May, 2013 Share Posted 30 May, 2013 I went to the mortuary to identify my wife's body. But they were all cold and lifeless and didn't move during sex so how was I to tell? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 30 May, 2013 Share Posted 30 May, 2013 Having sex with my wife always reminds me of Bruce Lee Enter the Dragon ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 30 May, 2013 Share Posted 30 May, 2013 I recently found Jesus and I must say it has changed my life, he can smuggle any drugs you want out of Mexico. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 30 May, 2013 Share Posted 30 May, 2013 If there's one thing I hate about my wife's saggy, flat, half-empty beanbag tits.. It's that they're her best feature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 31 May, 2013 Share Posted 31 May, 2013 I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding but quite challenging. It took me fecking ages to get her husbands voice right... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 31 May, 2013 Share Posted 31 May, 2013 I've been rearing farm animals for years. I've been very lucky though. Never been near a farm or got caught . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 31 May, 2013 Share Posted 31 May, 2013 Boston bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has recovered enough to walk. He'll soon be well enough to do a marathon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 31 May, 2013 Share Posted 31 May, 2013 I've just signed a sixty grand a week contract to play for Chelsea next season. Just need to get them to sign it now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 2 June, 2013 Share Posted 2 June, 2013 If I threw glitter over David Cameron would that count as a vagazzle? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 4 June, 2013 Share Posted 4 June, 2013 "Linesman was NOT biased", claims Di Canio... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 6 June, 2013 Share Posted 6 June, 2013 I feel for Michael Douglas thinking he got cancer through cunnilingus. I'll never forget the time I thought it had given me a nosebleed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 6 June, 2013 Share Posted 6 June, 2013 I like that one Bob. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 6 June, 2013 Share Posted 6 June, 2013 I like that one Bob. Bob? why are you calling me Bob, my name's Jamie and I'm from Plymouth!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 6 June, 2013 Share Posted 6 June, 2013 Sorry Jamie! Bearsy got yoghurt on his face through cunnilingus... I told him that it was unlikely and he might have made a mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 6 June, 2013 Share Posted 6 June, 2013 Sorry Jamie! Bearsy got yoghurt on his face through cunnilingus... I told him that it was unlikely and he might have made a mistake. Considering that he's never had a 69, or even half a 69, in his life then one would assume that it was self-cunnilingus, hence the mayonnaise!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 6 June, 2013 Share Posted 6 June, 2013 He might have had a 99 before but he doesn't like to talk about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 11 June, 2013 Share Posted 11 June, 2013 (edited) "Tell me exactly what you're going to do to me", she whispered. "Be honest and graphic, it really turns me on..." "errm, ok" I stammered, "I'm going to tear your clothes off, throw you on that bed..." "Yes, yes!!" she gasped. "And then?" "...then disappoint you like you've never been disappointed before." Edited 11 June, 2013 by scotty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
100% Saint Posted 11 June, 2013 Share Posted 11 June, 2013 What drugs do ducks take? Quack cocaine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 13 June, 2013 Share Posted 13 June, 2013 Back from his skiing holiday, my mate wheeled himself into the pub with both legs in plaster. "Christ mate," I said, "that must have been one hell of a fall!" "What fall?" he replied. "I paid for the trip with a loan from Wonga." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 16 June, 2013 Share Posted 16 June, 2013 How many knees in a pair of tights? 3, your left knee, your right knee and your fanny... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 17 June, 2013 Share Posted 17 June, 2013 My wife has become schizophrenic. Which is great, because I get a threesome every night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 17 June, 2013 Share Posted 17 June, 2013 I've been seeing this narcoleptic girl lately, it's going really well. I'm saving a fortune on Rohypnol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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