Big Bad Bob Posted 18 August, 2013 Share Posted 18 August, 2013 "Pull yourself together!" is never the most caring advice you can give. Unless it's to sexually frustrated conjoined twins. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 20 August, 2013 Share Posted 20 August, 2013 My missus got first prize for the 'most unusual pubic hair' at our local nudist club. She won it, fair and square. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 20 August, 2013 Share Posted 20 August, 2013 My boss phoned me at 8 o'clock on Saturday morning. "Accounts just called," he said, "can you work all weekend?" "I told you yesterday, I'm doing my garden," I replied. "I've got a bonfire started, and the shredder's set up as well." "That's a relief," he replied. "We'll be over in half an hour, the auditors are here on Monday." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintbletch Posted 20 August, 2013 Share Posted 20 August, 2013 Top 10 one-liners at this year's 'Fringe... Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa." Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying." Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same." Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'." Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell." Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men." Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost." Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter." Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance." Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 20 August, 2013 Share Posted 20 August, 2013 Top 10 one-liners at this year's 'Fringe... Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa." Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying." Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same." Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'." Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell." Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men." Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost." Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter." Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance." Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately." Gary Delaney is very popular on Sickipedia. They love him there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintbletch Posted 20 August, 2013 Share Posted 20 August, 2013 Gary Delaney is very popular on Sickipedia. They love him there. 9. Does it for me scotty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 20 August, 2013 Share Posted 20 August, 2013 9. Does it for me scotty. Agreed, very funny. Never heard of Bobby Mair, wonder if he's related to Eddie? There was another good adoption joke on sicki the other day, check out snikoggs profile and click view all jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 20 August, 2013 Share Posted 20 August, 2013 Quivers down my backbone I got the shakes down my knee bone Tremors in my thigh bone I'm shaking all over. Oh well, that's ECT for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheSpankBoy Posted 20 August, 2013 Share Posted 20 August, 2013 On a scale of Wenger to Katie Price, how tight are you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 21 August, 2013 Share Posted 21 August, 2013 (edited) "The total cost would be £3000," said the funeral director. "That includes digging the grave." "Is that the whole thing?" I asked. He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing." Edited 22 August, 2013 by scotty ...not any more.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 23 August, 2013 Share Posted 23 August, 2013 If you take nine pigs, four cows and three dogs, what do you have? A hen party in Poor smouth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheSpankBoy Posted 23 August, 2013 Share Posted 23 August, 2013 Saw a Chameleon today. Proving that it was a pretty **** Chameleon.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 24 August, 2013 Share Posted 24 August, 2013 A zoo keeper was going on holiday and his usual relief got rushed into hospital so quickly he asked his best mate to look after the animals. On the first day his mate fell in the pond killing some of the fish, no worries he thought. I'll feed them to the loins, they eat anything The next day he gave a whole chicken to charlie the chimp who choked and died, no worries he thought. I'll feed him to the loins, they eat anything On the third day he went to look in the bee hives and get some honey. They swarmed and attacked him, he grabbed a spade and beat most of them to a pulp on the ground.so he waited for things to calm down , scraped up the mess, no worries he thought. I'll feed them to the loins, they eat anything On the fourth day the zoo keeper returned. He looked in the pond and thought I am sure there were more fish than that! He looked in the chimp enclosure and wondered where Charlie was hiding He looked at the bee hive and was surprised they were not busier on a nice warm day. Then he spotted his favourite lion, "Morning Lional, did he look after you well" The loin replied "Oh yes, I had fish chimp and mushy bees for tea!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 28 August, 2013 Share Posted 28 August, 2013 How come catholic priests aren't allowed to marry, but they are allowed to have kids? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 29 August, 2013 Share Posted 29 August, 2013 BREAKING NEWS: Catherine Zeta Jones to undergo vaginal plastic surgery: "I just want rid of the saggy old ****", she has stated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 30 August, 2013 Share Posted 30 August, 2013 I'm not saying my wife is big. But when she lost her virginity, it wasn't so much deflowering as deforestation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 5 September, 2013 Share Posted 5 September, 2013 Often I'll look at an epileptic girl and think to myself Fit! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 5 September, 2013 Share Posted 5 September, 2013 So Wayne Rooney tweeted a photo of the nasty gash he got in his head.. At first I thought it was a photo of a ****.. And I was right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 5 September, 2013 Share Posted 5 September, 2013 "Why Switzerland?" asked the travel agent. "It's really expensive, and not much fun." "My wife told me to book a holiday," I replied, "and I suggested North Wales. But she said she'd rather die than go there." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted 6 September, 2013 Share Posted 6 September, 2013 'where do you want me to put this large roll of bubble wrap?' I asked my partner. 'just pop it over there in the corner' he replied. Four hours later ........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alehouseboys Posted 6 September, 2013 Share Posted 6 September, 2013 'where do you want me to put this large roll of bubble wrap?' I asked my partner. 'just pop it over there in the corner' he replied. Four hours later ........... Big John comes out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 6 September, 2013 Share Posted 6 September, 2013 Big John comes out. Words you really don't want to hear in the prison showers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 6 September, 2013 Share Posted 6 September, 2013 "Why Switzerland?" asked the travel agent. "It's really expensive, and not much fun." "My wife told me to book a holiday," I replied, "and I suggested North Wales. But she said she'd rather die than go there."lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 6 September, 2013 Share Posted 6 September, 2013 i don't know nick, I'm starting to think a lot of Scotty's stories aren't true. Like the one above bout his wife, I distinctly remember him saying his wife died a few months back cos he buried her. It was on here. He told a hooker about it in a hotel bar. There is no way she can still be going on holidays to switzerland. I don't mean to be offence but i think scotty is just trolling. Pretty sick involving his dead wife tho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 6 September, 2013 Share Posted 6 September, 2013 i don't know nick, I'm starting to think a lot of Scotty's stories aren't true. Like the one above bout his wife, I distinctly remember him saying his wife died a few months back cos he buried her. It was on here. He told a hooker about it in a hotel bar. There is no way she can still be going on holidays to switzerland. I don't mean to be offence but i think scotty is just trolling. Pretty sick involving his dead wife tho. I once promised my father in law a Dignitas voucher for Christmas, but he didn't understand, stupid senile old fuck that he is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 6 September, 2013 Share Posted 6 September, 2013 i think that is v.disrespect to say bout ur father in laws! I don't have fathers in laws but i would never say them things about him if i did. I wouldn't have naked baths with him either like tokyos does. I would just be polite + firm handshake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 6 September, 2013 Share Posted 6 September, 2013 i think that is v.disrespect to say bout ur father in laws! I don't have fathers in laws but i would never say them things about him if i did. I wouldn't have naked baths with him either like tokyos does. I would just be polite + firm handshake. No, it is very good things to say bout my father in laws (or c-i-l) because he lives with us, is incontinent and is an obstreperous old curmudgeon...and that's his endearing features. So, to hove this swiftly back on topic.. -- My wife just moaned at me for texting her to get me a beer from the fridge. I guess she's right, that's what the little bell is for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint lard Posted 6 September, 2013 Share Posted 6 September, 2013 All these tv stars getting arrested under the Saville enquiry....makes me wonder....did Jeremy Beadle have a small hand in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 7 September, 2013 Share Posted 7 September, 2013 To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake..... hah, in your face! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 7 September, 2013 Share Posted 7 September, 2013 Good work boys and girls, I've had to think rather hard about getting some of these recent jokes. Makes it all the more worthwhile in the end. Perhaps it's because it's 3am on a Saturday night/ Sunday morning. Wish I had a joke I could remember, apart from my life, obviously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint lard Posted 7 September, 2013 Share Posted 7 September, 2013 I honestly think I'd rather watch Strictly Cum Dancing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 8 September, 2013 Share Posted 8 September, 2013 i don't know nick, I'm starting to think a lot of Scotty's stories aren't true. Like the one above bout his wife, I distinctly remember him saying his wife died a few months back cos he buried her. It was on here. He told a hooker about it in a hotel bar. There is no way she can still be going on holidays to switzerland. I don't mean to be offence but i think scotty is just trolling. Pretty sick involving his dead wife tho. It was getting pretty horny in bed, and she whispered in my ear.."make me wet, darling..." "I'm not into watersports," I replied, "and anyway, I cant pïss through an erection." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 September, 2013 Share Posted 9 September, 2013 "Before you go, can you toss another load into the washing machine," called my wife. "You kinky b*tch" I thought, unzipping my flies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 September, 2013 Share Posted 9 September, 2013 My dad tutted his disapproval of my new sports car. "Its tiny," he frowned. "You'll never fit anything bulky in that." "So what?" I said. "I'm not planning to ferry the wife around in it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ampersound Posted 10 September, 2013 Share Posted 10 September, 2013 The Priest at Our Holy Father Primary school let the kids shave his hair for charity, he said at first it felt strange but it did make his c*ck look bigger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 11 September, 2013 Share Posted 11 September, 2013 The doctor gazed out of the window towards the car park for a moment, then gave me the bad news. "Oh Jesus," I stuttered, " "how long have I got? What kind of heart op?" "There's nothing wrong with you," he replied irritably. "I said 'you need a hard-top', someone just slashed your convertible." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 12 September, 2013 Author Share Posted 12 September, 2013 A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 12 September, 2013 Share Posted 12 September, 2013 A priest, a paedophile and a compulsive liar walk into a bar "Drinking alone tonight are we Father?" asks the barman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 12 September, 2013 Share Posted 12 September, 2013 I opened the anaesthetist's invoice, went numb and passed out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 26 September, 2013 Share Posted 26 September, 2013 I went to councilling with the missus today. The councillor asked our lass what she thought we had in common. She stated that we liked the same food, had a love for a nice wine and a similar sense of humour - but most importantly, we had our kids. The councillor then turned to me and asked the same question. After a little thought, I said............. "Neither of us suck cock!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 27 September, 2013 Share Posted 27 September, 2013 My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching porn today and said, "Do you think I pay people to do that"? "Probably" I replied, "You're no looker are you?". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 28 September, 2013 Share Posted 28 September, 2013 "You need to reduce your cholesterol", said the doctor. "Why are you eating so much buttered toast?" I replied "I'm spreading the risk." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 30 September, 2013 Share Posted 30 September, 2013 What's the main cause of paedophilia? Sexy kids Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergei Gotsmanov Posted 30 September, 2013 Share Posted 30 September, 2013 I lost a good friend of mine recently. Drowned falling of his boat. I got him this amazing wreath in the shape of a large lifebuoy for the funeral. Its what he would have wanted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 30 September, 2013 Share Posted 30 September, 2013 I phoned my boss and told him I'd be late as I had to take my cat to the vet. "Pull the other one," he snapped. "Why cant your wife take it?" I said "because it's not her cóck its stuck on." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 30 September, 2013 Share Posted 30 September, 2013 (edited) People complain about charity collection sacks getting shoved through their letterboxes, but I find them ideal for my grandmother's used incontinence pads. And if I put them out on the pavement every tuesday morning, it even saves me bin space. Edited 30 September, 2013 by scotty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 1 October, 2013 Share Posted 1 October, 2013 Just bought 50 condoms & 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around, looked them in the eyes and said, 'Make it 52.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graffito Posted 1 October, 2013 Share Posted 1 October, 2013 What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? Stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog. A Buddhist Monk goes up to a hotdog stall and says "Make me one with everything" A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five beers please" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 1 October, 2013 Share Posted 1 October, 2013 A burglar spots an open window. He scales the drainpipe and within seconds he is in. He goes through the house to the living room. All of a sudden from a dark corner a voice says "Jesus is watching you"..... He pauses and again..... Jesus is watching you"..... he swivels his tiny torch to the corner to a parrot... Jesus is watching you"......" shut up you stupid parrot!". "I am warning you.... Jesus is watching you"..... The burglar swears at the parrot. "I don"t know who you think you are, but I am not listening to a stupid parrot" the parrot replies " my name is Moses" The burglar replies "who on earth callers a parrot Moses?" The parrot replies " The sort of people who name a rottweiler Jesus" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 October, 2013 Share Posted 7 October, 2013 I made a right hash of mooring up, sprinted to the harbourmaster and panted "sorry mate, I've just f*cked four of your buoys." He said "you must have some stamina, want a job?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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