TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

[scotty]

My Grandad said "Man Utd will win the title this year".

 

I said "tell me something I don't know.."

 

He replied "your Nana's arse can take my whole fist".

 

I think my grandmother is getting Alzheimers, she keeps calling me Pete, though my name is Dave.

 

Either that, or she's thinking about another bloke while I'm sh*gging her.

[notnowcato]

Snails have a famously bad sense of direction. tut.

Tsk, Tokyo, Tokyo... Snails actually have a very good sense of direction and it would take sustained trauma to the poor snail for him to lose his inner compass. Simply lobbing the harmless gastropoda over the neighbours fence will not stop the wee fella being back at your doorstep in less than 2 hours.

[saintbletch]

Tsk, Tokyo, Tokyo... Snails actually have a very good sense of direction and it would take sustained trauma to the poor snail for him to lose his inner compass. Simply lobbing the harmless gastropoda over the neighbours fence will not stop the wee fella being back at your doorstep in less than 2 hours.

 

notnowcato is right Tokyo-Saint.

 

I was slightly bothered by the fact that the snail knocked at the door, slightly more bothered by the fact that the snail spoke to the guy, but I now see that its inner-compass is much more likely to lead us to the truth.

 

Now why don't you save us all the bother and tell us what really happened when the guy got up to open the door?

 

I found myself drowning in an ocean made from orange carbonated water yesterday. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

[scotty]

We're not going after the Crap Joke Suppository thread.

 

I've just had my ass hauled up to the office of Chief Constable Baj of the Muppet Show Police. He went properly mental over the overtime bill for the Cheese on Toast investigation. He said that next time he's taking it to Commissioner Grant.

 

He also wanted to know why you had tried to expense a gaudy hotel room, a loose-fitting blue T-shirt, a vet bill for having claws clipped, the morning after pill and a femidom (*large). I pointed him toward your avatar and he understood. But he wasn't happy. So we can't afford to spend too much time in here.

 

This is scotty's manor. He and I meet every month in McDonalds in town where he buys me a Big Breakfast and hands me a nice little under-the-table cash sub to "own" this thread. So we will turn a blind eye to the goings on here. Is that clear?

 

If scotty wants to allow jokes on here that fail to pass the sort of forensic analysis that PhilippineSaint has applied to them, then that's scotty's call.

 

Good work by the way PhilippineSaint. You're young and enthusiastic - I like that. Your youth and enthusiasm led you to interrogate scotty over his Portsmouth joke, And between you and I, I think your intuition is right. I don't think scotty was in Portsmouth last weekend.

 

But let's not pick a fight in an area of town where you wouldn't want to walk alone without your MSP radio and nightstick.

 

That's not to say that I don't agree with setting up a police enquiry into each and every joke on this thread. I do. I mean, I secretly suspect that half the jokes on this thread aren't actually true.

 

If I'm honest, I don't think that notnowcato saw a sign outside a butchers; anymore than tpbury knows a white, limbless male called Robert well enough to call him Bob.

 

Personally, I've never met a crap joke yet that couldn't be improved upon by overly-analysing it and pulling apart every word and syllable to expose it as the simple collection of loosely-associated consonants and vowels that it is.

 

But let's not do this in scotty's manor. OK? Is that clear?

 

Anyway, I haven't got time for this. I've got to finish stroking the pages of the letter C in the dictionary. I've got most of the way through but haven't come across a criticing yet.

 

Such cynicism in one so young. As proof, I walked past the abortion clinic in portsmouth, a young man was outside with his sister. I heard him say "do you really want to do this?" She replied "yes. What sort of a life would it have with me as its mother?" He said, "I guess. Come to that, I dont suppose I'd make much of a father..."

[Tokyo-Saint]

Tsk, Tokyo, Tokyo... Snails actually have a very good sense of direction and it would take sustained trauma to the poor snail for him to lose his inner compass. Simply lobbing the harmless gastropoda over the neighbours fence will not stop the wee fella being back at your doorstep in less than 2 hours.

 

This one had a limp.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Let's stop this investigation now as this one goes right to the top. I can already feel bletch looking at my words, working out a scrabble score and seeing if this matches dune or the great snail killer of 1985 or something. Take my word for it, you don't want to know any more than you already do. You can't hand the truth. Just let this one escargo.

[scotty]

This one had a limp.

 

It had a limp what?

[scotty]

I went to see the Red Arrows at the weekend. 30 minutes of fantastic entertainment, all those incredibly dangerous high-speed manouevres and amazing near-misses!! People were pointing, shaking their heads in disbelief, gasping, and even covering their eyes...

 

 

Anyway, the wife finally managed to park the car so we made our way to the air show.

[notnowcato]

Is this "guy" a "friend of yours"??

 

A cyclist from Portsmouth has been run over by a bus. He is still alive but only just. Police are urging the driver to come forward.

[Tokyo-Saint]

It had a limp what?

 

Biscuit album. After listening to that, he lost the will to live and had to sit under a leafy bush for several months.

[scotty]

Is this "guy" a "friend of yours"??

 

A cyclist from Portsmouth has been run over by a bus. He is still alive but only just. Police are urging the driver to come forward.

 

[Tokyo-Saint]

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

[notnowcato]

Frankly, if it's the same "guy" that has a snail knocking on his door I'm not surprised he's a bit mental.

[100%Red&White]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next s**t could spell disaster.

 

 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 

 

 

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

[scotty]

Frankly, if it's the same "guy" that has a snail knocking on his door I'm not surprised he's a bit mental.

 

Seeing as how bletchy has nominated TMS as my manor, I declare this conversation closed. Snails, ffs

[notnowcato]

A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back.

The host asks him, "And what are you?"

The man says, “I’m a snail."*

The host says, "And who's that on your back?"

And the man says, "That's Michelle."

[scotty]

A snail goes into a pub, and notices a slug propping up the bar and drinking heavily. "What the hell happened to you?" he asks, the slug replies "I couldn't keep up the mortgage payments"

[Tokyo-Saint]

A snail is at the police station. He's telling the officer on duty about how he was just mugged and robbed.

"It was these two turtles!", the snail sobs. "They beat me up and took my money!

"The officer asks, "Did you get a good look at them?"

The snail says, "No! It all happened so fast!"

[Tokyo-Saint]

Two men are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one of them turns to the other and hands him a note. "Here’s that £20 I owe you," he says.

[Lazlo78]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before iI can get a haircut ?"

Barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

 

The guy left. Barber turned to his friend and said, "Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes.

He's come in every day this week asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

 

Little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

Barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"

 

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said: "Your house!"

[Lazlo78]

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

 

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

 

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

 

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

 

"Is there time?" asks the priest.

[Lazlo78]

Scott had just been to see his doctor. "How can I help you?" the doc asked.

Scott said, "I was chilling out this morning listening to 'In The Air Tonight' when suddenly my iPod accidentally slipped up my ass, now it's stuck."

 

The Doc looked at him with a puzzled face and said, "I've never heard anything like that before."

 

Scott said, "It's a Phil Collins song."

[Lazlo78]

... A man races inside a bar, panicking, sweating and downright worried. He turns to all the patrons and starts yelling

"does anyone own a 6foot penguin" "does anyone own a 6foot penguin"

 

.. Slowly all the guys shake their head, all apologising as they cannot help the guy...

 

... This guys lowers his head, and as he walks out of the bar, he whispers to himself ...."****, i hit a nun"......

[scotty]

I always buy a woman flowers after I've had sex with her.

 

I normally put them on a lamp-post or tree, where the rest of them are.

[Tokyo-Saint]

I always buy a woman flowers after I've had sex with her.

 

I normally put them on a lamp-post or tree, where the rest of them are.

 

What's the most successful chat up line in the world?

 

 

 

 

Don't let this rape turn into a murder!

 

 

 

(hides behind a snail and prepares for the PC brigade.....It's a joke dam it!)

[Upwind]

COMING SOON

2 YOUR TV:

 

As a result of the growing number of foreigners coming 2 the UK producers have devised the following Channel and shows to appeal to the wider audience............

 

...'The Immigrant

Channel'

with these great shows....

 

Currynation St

 

Ahmed-dale

 

Bollyoaks

 

Pakorama

 

MiddleEast Enders

 

Britain's Got Taliban

 

U've Been Bombed

 

Big Buddah

 

Postman Pak

 

I'm An Immigrant Get Me In 2 Here

 

Black Peter

 

The Only Way is Allah

 

and for our Israeli friends

 

Scooby Jew.

[Bearsy]

I'll give you Bollyoaks and The Only Way Is Allah, i can't see them making Pakorama or Black Peter tho. That would be racists!

[Tokyo-Saint]

I fully expect to see images of the saints web forum embassy getting stormed soon. Baj trying to fight the insurgents off with fivers and left over curry.

[scotty]

"Philip, are you alright? You've been in the bathroom half an hour now, and you sound as if you're having an asthma attack..."

[notnowcato]

Inscribed on a grave stone in the US.

 

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE :

 

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

 

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

 

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie

to you.

 

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

 

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[do i not like fizzy pop]

Rape is such a strong word. I prefer the term 'Snuggle Struggle'

[Upwind]

To celebrate Kate Middleton's successful French banning order, Royal Doulton are releaseing a small set of commemorative jugs..!

[scotty]

My girlfriend said she wanted to be treated like a princess.

 

So I took a picture of her tits and put it on facebook.

[Gingeletiss]

The French magazine which printed the topless pictures of Kate Middleton, have said that they did so, in retaliation to our sending over Joey Barton, they claim it was just Tit for ****!

[scotty]

Dread and fear built up inside me as I watched my wife at the hospital, struggling.

 

Beep............ beep......... beep........ beep....... beep...... beep..... beep.... beep... beep.. beep. beep. beep. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Then nothing.

 

A voice broke the silence, "I'm really sorry".

 

"It's ok", I replied, sadness and rage overwhelming me in equal measure. What had I done to deserve this? Why do these things happen to good people?

 

 

Anyway, her checkup was fine and I had the bumper replaced the next day.

[scotty]

I was shocked to hear that comedian Justin Lee Collins has appeared in court, charged with harrassment.

 

Justin Lee Collins, a comedian???

 

 

 

 

 

 

(I didnt get it either............. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19700641)

[100%Red&White]

:facepalm:An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

 

 

...all of them walk into a very fine restaurant.

 

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group..........

 

 

"But, you can't come in here without a Thai. "

 

[dubai_phil]

:facepalm:An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

 

 

...all of them walk into a very fine restaurant.

 

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group..........

 

 

"But, you can't come in here without a Thai. "

 

 

That could be in with a shout in the worst joke ever Top100

[scotty]

"There's a spider in the bedroom," screamed my wife, "Get it out!! Please get it out!!!"

 

"I don't know why they turn you on so much," I said, unzipping my jeans.

[tpbury]

That could be in with a shout in the worst joke ever Top100

 

I find it as mildly amusing as I did when it was posted on the previous page.

 

On other notes - I finally got the 'Here's the twenty I owe you' joke and I realise that is also mildly amusing. Previously I'd thought it was some kind of Beckett-esque situalationist thing ie not funny.

 

What do you call an eskimo with a banana in each ear? Anything you like, as he (or she) wont be able to her you (should you wish to insult an indigenous person for wanting to push fruit into their ears)

[100%Red&White]

That could be in with a shout in the worst joke ever Top100

 

Then it's found a good resting place in the Crap Joke Suppository.

 

There's more.....

 

A man is seeking to join the Metropolitan Police. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit" The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Upwind]

I remember when I was at school you used to have a ruler, protractor, pencil and calculator for a maths lesson.

 

Apparently nowadays all you need is a rubber............

[Lets B Avenue]

So a maths teacher has taken his teenage pupil to France. I assume its just a field trip to show her how many times 30 can go into 15.

[Gingeletiss]

Teachers are bloody hypocrites.....it's wrong for us to take kids out of School for a holiday, but ok for them to do it!

[Gingeletiss]

Life's a b1tch, one day you're calling the register, the next, you're on it!

Edited 27 September, 2012 by Gingeletiss

[scotty]

Last night I suggested to my wife that we try a little role play.

 

"Ok" she said. "What did you have in mind?"

 

"How about you pretend to be a very naughty schoolgirl?" I asked.

 

"oooh, sounds kinky!!! I'll just go upstairs and see if can find the outfit!"

 

"What outfit?" I said. "Can't you just ***** off to France and not come back?"

[scotty]

Ok class, please remember the first lesson tomorrow morning is Maths.........dont forget your passports....

[Doctoroncall]

Heisenberg was a terrible lover. When ever he had the right position he never have the right speed, whenever he had the energy he never had the time.

[Doctoroncall]

A redditor Searches for jokes about superstrings, but only finds a bunch of long threads.

BAM!

[Doctoroncall]

A bacteria walks into the bar, bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria." The bacteria say, "Don't worry, I work here... I'm staph."