Domestic Violence

[sadoldgit]

Given Batman’s assertion that I am an apologist for perpetrators of domestic violence, I thought that this subject deserved a thread of its own. To start off, I spent 8 years of my life helping to prosecute DV cases, so why on earth would I apologise for the perpetrators?

 

Before I joined the CPS I went through the process at the sharp end. My ex wife would pick up the phone to call the police at the drop of a hat. On one occasion, after our legal people had agreed that the family house should be sold, I asked her when the house was going on the market and she picked up the phone and dialled 999.

 

On the occasion I mentioned before when I was accused of ABH, I had returned the children after a day out. My youngest child constantly wanted to go to the loo so I suggested to my ex (who used to be a nurse) that my daughter should see the doctor. She said she would decide if that was necessary and got arsey with me, telling me to get out of her house. I was paying the mortgage and had paid in 75% of the equity in but that is by the by. We had an altercation and the next day three burly policeman turned up at the house I was living in and arrested me on the charge of causing ABH on my ex wife.

 

As part of the prosecution process we both had to provide statements to both the police and our legal teams, three in total I think. All 3 of my statements matched exactly. There were discrepancies in all 3 statements provided by my ex wife.

 

Several weeks along my legal team received a statement from the person living next door which supported my version of events. This came from the prosecution team. As they couldn’t use the evidence they had to pass it on to us in case we wanted to use it.

 

There was no medical report form a doctor but my wife provided lots of photos showing extensive bruising to the right side of her face. I have no idea where those bruises came from (assuming they were bruises, it is not difficult to use make up to emulate bruising). There were some small finger print sized bruises on her arm which could well have been caused by me as she had been pulling my hair and ripped my shirt and I had grabbed her arm to pull her off of me.

 

I had to live with this hanging over my head for several months until we finally got a court date in Brighton Magistrates court. A week or two before the trial I received a phone call from my ex to say that she was going to withdraw her evidence as the row was, in her words “50/50.”

 

I still had to go to court as the case needed to be dismissed. During the hearing the prosecuting lawyer to up and made a lengthy speech saying that he was amazing that the CPS had taken the case forward given how weak the evidence was (photos and statements). In effect the guy prosecuting me felt that I should not have been prosecuted.

 

Although it was a relief to get it over, part of me felt cheated that I wasn’t able to fight my case in court and to be found not guilty.

 

Throughout the process I felt that I was guilty until proven innocent. I wasn’t even sure if my defence team supported me at times. There is a stigma about abusers, quite rightly, but you also feel that you are stained with it even if not convicted ( and her we have CB Fry and Batman taking cheap shots).

 

In Boycott’s case he wrongly stated that, in the French courts, you are guilty until proven innocent. That is not true, they have the same system as us, but I can understand why he felt that way. A picture in itself is not conclusive evidence of a) the injuries themselves b) how they were caused and c) who caused them. There should be corroborative evidence in the form of a doctors examination. In the cases of beating by a first another report on the fist of the alleged perpetrator would also be helpful (for either the prosecution or the defence).

 

And just so we are clear Batman, I not going to apologise for anyone who commits a crime against anyone else.

 

I made a mistake in the Sir Geoff Boycott thread in which I hold my hand up to. I used the word “allegedly” when he had been convicted and had also failed in appeal.

 

A few years ago posters against DV appeared in men’s toilets all over the country. I was working in the CPS at the time and had a chat to my boss about why they weren’t in ladies loos as well. She agreed that it isn’t only men who commit DV but admitted that the Criminal Justice System see male perpetrated DV as more of an issue than female perpetrated DV. DV is DV it shouldn’t make any difference as to who commits it. As things stand it feels that the male is at an immediate disadvantage in DV cases. As I said on the other thread, the police have a policy of removing men from the family home if children are involved no matter who the alleged perpetrator is in the incident. My ex and my ex mother in law both knew this and used it against me. I am sure they are not alone in playing the system.

[Unbelievable Jeff]

This could have been written on the GB thread, not sure why you've done this, but hey, you'll get blasted on this thread as well I suppose.

 

However, I think there are two main issues here that you don't seem to get:

 

1. People who were questioning the evidence of a man prosecuted, and then found not-guilty on appeal, were called "rape apologists", yet when you question the evidence for GB the same cannot be applied.

2. Everyone who was on that thread realises this, hence why you've been given such a hard time. They don't want your life story, but they want to give you such a hard time that you spend your time and effort typing it out. It is a kind of punishment I guess, for you being so hardline about Ched Evans, yet so ambivalent, ne flippant, about the Boycott case. It's massively hypocritical, and smacks of bias.

 

You've misunderstood why you've been singled out, and the easiest way to sort it is not by rambling on about your private life, but more by saying "Yeah, perhaps I shouldn't have called people that". But that is up to you. I'll let others have a say on it, but unfortunately you have done so much damage to yourself by contradicting your apparent morals when discussing cases that I'm not sure anyone can take you seriously anymore.

[egg]

Blimey. Sadoldgit, this is really simple. Boycott has been convicted. It's not necessary or appropriate for you, me, or anyone, to question the evidence or reasoning behind that decision. Your request on the other thread calling for me to support that conviction, with evidence, was just odd and this new thread even odder.

 

I'm not getting into the Evans debate. It's a different case on different facts but the reality is, unlike Boycott, the bloke has ultimately been acquited.

 

As for your case, the reality is that you only put one side of the story but why you feel the need to share any of that in the public domain I'm not sure. Please do yourself a favour, ask that this thread be deleted and move on to other subjects.

[benjii]

Did you know that indigenous people from Mexico used the same word for "testicle" and "avocado". Fancy that!

[sadoldgit]

Of course it is appropriate to question why a verdict has been reached. That is why we have an appeal system and people continue to question judgements long after they are made if they want to check their validity.

Yes Boycott has been found guilty.

Yes the Evans case is completely different.

There is absolutely no reason why we can’t discuss these cases and have an opinion on them.

They make programmes every year about court cases and verdicts from the past. Should they stop.

Yes, this is just my side of the story. Why can’t I share it. The purpose it to show that the Criminal Justice System is stuck in the middle of any given situation and has to make a call one way or the other. In my case it made a call that even the man paid to prosecute me said was wrong, so make of that what you will.

[sadoldgit]

Did you know that indigenous people from Mexico used the same word for "testicle" and "avocado". Fancy that!

 

 

I have just bought a chicken and avocado sandwich. I think I’ll leave it now.

[hypochondriac]

What sort of narcissist starts their own thread just to talk about themselves? Guilty conscience perhaps?

[hypochondriac]

This could have been written on the GB thread, not sure why you've done this, but hey, you'll get blasted on this thread as well I suppose.

 

However, I think there are two main issues here that you don't seem to get:

 

1. People who were questioning the evidence of a man prosecuted, and then found not-guilty on appeal, were called "rape apologists", yet when you question the evidence for GB the same cannot be applied.

2. Everyone who was on that thread realises this, hence why you've been given such a hard time. They don't want your life story, but they want to give you such a hard time that you spend your time and effort typing it out. It is a kind of punishment I guess, for you being so hardline about Ched Evans, yet so ambivalent, ne flippant, about the Boycott case. It's massively hypocritical, and smacks of bias.

 

You've misunderstood why you've been singled out, and the easiest way to sort it is not by rambling on about your private life, but more by saying "Yeah, perhaps I shouldn't have called people that". But that is up to you. I'll let others have a say on it, but unfortunately you have done so much damage to yourself by contradicting your apparent morals when discussing cases that I'm not sure anyone can take you seriously anymore.

Absolutely this. Notice how he claims others don't answer his questions yet he will not reply directly to your post or address the points raised. He knows he has egg on his face over this issue yet his answer is to double down and get disturbingly personal about his own issues as if that gives his contradictory stances on the two cases some sort of legitimacy.

 

As someone else has said, you'd be better off deleting this thread and pretending it never existed. I'm starting to worry that soggy is having a little bit of a breakdown.

[whelk]

A couple of my mates hooked up with psychos- they were kind of desperate to make it work but so obvious to us others that relationship built on sand.

Baffles me how anyone can’t see it let alone end up with them.

Personally I’d kill them for allegations of false sh1t

[Unbelievable Jeff]

What sort of narcissist starts their own thread just to talk about themselves? Guilty conscience perhaps?

 

I am flabbergasted to be honest. I have spent the last few days wincing at what he's writing and muttering "just shut up and leave it" under my breath and then he does this.

 

You reap what you sow.

[Turkish]

Two bits of advice

 

You really shouldn't share so much of your personal information on an anonymous football forum where no one knows or cares who you are

You really shouldn't take an anonymous football forum so seriously that you feel you need to share so much of your personal information

[hypochondriac]

A couple of my mates hooked up with psychos- they were kind of desperate to make it work but so obvious to us others that relationship built on sand.

Baffles me how anyone can’t see it let alone end up with them.

Personally I’d kill them for allegations of false sh1t

Yep. I think it speaks to a deep weakness of character to allow yourself to get entangled with someone willing to make false accusations about you. Some definite soul searching and analysis of your character required once that's run it's course.

[Unbelievable Jeff]

Of course it is appropriate to question why a verdict has been reached. That is why we have an appeal system and people continue to question judgements long after they are made if they want to check their validity.

Yes Boycott has been found guilty.

Yes the Evans case is completely different.

There is absolutely no reason why we can’t discuss these cases and have an opinion on them.

They make programmes every year about court cases and verdicts from the past. Should they stop.

Yes, this is just my side of the story. Why can’t I share it. The purpose it to show that the Criminal Justice System is stuck in the middle of any given situation and has to make a call one way or the other. In my case it made a call that even the man paid to prosecute me said was wrong, so make of that what you will.

 

You're still not getting it.

 

You called people "rape apologists" for questioning the guilty verdict of Ched Evans.

 

How can you be upset that people call you a "domestic abuse apologist" for doing the same thing with Boycott?

 

By the way, surely the role of the CPS is to weigh up the evidence and decide if there is enough to prosecute a case? Hence they must have thought there was enough evidence to prosecute.

[hypochondriac]

I am flabbergasted to be honest. I have spent the last few days wincing at what he's writing and muttering "just shut up and leave it" under my breath and then he does this.

 

You reap what you sow.

It's more the fact that he clearly cares so deeply about persuading random people on a forum about his incredibly misguided point of view. You've already pointed out the clear contradictions and why people are peeved at him yet he either doesn't understand or more likely is too haughty to admit to it. Bizarre behaviour and it does speak to some psychological issues.

 

In summary: saintsweb is serious business.

[Unbelievable Jeff]

The other thing is, if anyone reads this forum that knows who Soggy is, the comments above also amount to libel.

[hypochondriac]

Can you imagine soggy talking to his ex wife with the same pompous manner he displays on here? I don't blame her, I'd get arsey too.

[sadoldgit]

Two bits of advice

 

You really shouldn't share so much of your personal information on an anonymous football forum where no one knows or cares who you are

You really shouldn't take an anonymous football forum so seriously that you feel you need to share so much of your personal information

 

Thank you for the advice. This is a forum for mostly blokes and it is entirely possible that others have been through the same situation as me. If it helps others great. If not, so what? There are some ****s on here who will use it for point scoring and if they haven’t got anything else better to do, that’s their issue. But **** happens in life and sometimes it doesn’t hurt to share a ****ty experience.

[sadoldgit]

Two bits of advice

 

You really shouldn't share so much of your personal information on an anonymous football forum where no one knows or cares who you are

You really shouldn't take an anonymous football forum so seriously that you feel you need to share so much of your personal information

 

 

I knew nothing about personality disorders before my first marriage, I am now an expert. My ex has what Trump has, a narcissistic personality disorder. These people are perfectly normal and charming when you first meet them, but once they hook you in the drama starts. She only hit me a couple of times, but most of the damage was psychological. She drove her first husband to suicide. The night before he took his life she told him he would never see his daughter again. I guess at that point it was the last straw. I only found out the truth about what happened to him when our divorce proceedings started and a member of his family got in touch. I was lucky. I spent 4 to 5 months under The Priory and they sorted me out. What is the statistic? Suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of 50? I have had my clothes thrown out of the window. I have had my dog given away. It really is like living in a parallel universe where you end up questioning everything you thought was right. Her mother has shown signs of the same behaviour which explains why my ex step father always looked so miserable. My ex’s daughter from her first marriage is a nightmare. Luckily the 3 children we had between seem well balanced. Men don’t like to admit that they are getting beaten or mentally abused by their partners, but there is a great deal of it about.

[whelk]

And my simple advice if you can’t see someone is kind never ever marry them.

[hypochondriac]

Thank you for the advice. This is a forum for mostly blokes and it is entirely possible that others have been through the same situation as me. If it helps others great. If not, so what? There are some ****s on here who will use it for point scoring and if they haven’t got anything else better to do, that’s their issue. But **** happens in life and sometimes it doesn’t hurt to share a ****ty experience.

I would say you've definitely helped people on here. You're a living cautionary tale.

[whelk]

I knew nothing about personality disorders before my first marriage, I am now an expert. My ex has what Trump has, a narcissistic personality disorder. These people are perfectly normal and charming when you first meet them, but once they hook you in the drama starts. She only hit me a couple of times, but most of the damage was psychological. She drove her first husband to suicide. The night before he took his life she told him he would never see his daughter again. I guess at that point it was the last straw. I only found out the truth about what happened to him when our divorce proceedings started and a member of his family got in touch. I was lucky. I spent 4 to 5 months under The Priory and they sorted me out. What is the statistic? Suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of 50? I have had my clothes thrown out of the window. I have had my dog given away. It really is like living in a parallel universe where you end up questioning everything you thought was right. Her mother has shown signs of the same behaviour which explains why my ex step father always looked so miserable. My ex’s daughter from her first marriage is a nightmare. Luckily the 3 children we had between seem well balanced. Men don’t like to admit that they are getting beaten or mentally abused by their partners, but there is a great deal of it about.

 

You should be able to simply spot a narcissist. They cannot hide that sh1t and don’t need to study psychology just basic astuteness and wisdom required.

[whelk]

SOG is a pompous self-righteous old fool and sharing personal stuff with what is probably the least sympathetic audience of hostile males is not the wisest move.

Fair play for honesty though.

[sadoldgit]

And my simple advice if you can’t see someone is kind never ever marry them.

 

Good advice Whelk, trouble is my ex was the perfect partner at first. Once her name was on the mortgage she became a different person. Better advice would be don’t judge a book by its cover!

[Unbelievable Jeff]

I knew nothing about personality disorders before my first marriage, I am now an expert. My ex has what Trump has, a narcissistic personality disorder. These people are perfectly normal and charming when you first meet them, but once they hook you in the drama starts. She only hit me a couple of times, but most of the damage was psychological. She drove her first husband to suicide. The night before he took his life she told him he would never see his daughter again. I guess at that point it was the last straw. I only found out the truth about what happened to him when our divorce proceedings started and a member of his family got in touch. I was lucky. I spent 4 to 5 months under The Priory and they sorted me out. What is the statistic? Suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of 50? I have had my clothes thrown out of the window. I have had my dog given away. It really is like living in a parallel universe where you end up questioning everything you thought was right. Her mother has shown signs of the same behaviour which explains why my ex step father always looked so miserable. My ex’s daughter from her first marriage is a nightmare. Luckily the 3 children we had between seem well balanced. Men don’t like to admit that they are getting beaten or mentally abused by their partners, but there is a great deal of it about.

 

With the "look at me" content in this thread, and your general demeanour and behaviour on this forum, you definitely should be able to spot a narcissist.

[whelk]

With the "look at me" content in this thread, and your general demeanour and behaviour on this forum, you definitely should be able to spot a narcissist.

 

You can disagree with someone without having to be a cnt about it. Well most people can.

[Unbelievable Jeff]

Good advice Whelk, trouble is my ex was the perfect partner at first. Once her name was on the mortgage she became a different person. Better advice would be don’t judge a book by its cover!

 

Or don't add her to your mortgage.

[Unbelievable Jeff]

You can disagree with someone without having to be a cnt about it. Well most people can.

 

As I said above, I don't understand the point of having this as its own thread - he's not understood, or even tried to understand why he has been derided for his takes on GB and CE. I would also like to hear the other side of the story, as I haven't seen any evidence of this, just one persons opinion of what happened - and they are not here to answer the (serious) accusations that are being levelled at them.

 

To me, this seems like a "look at me" type thread.

[sadoldgit]

You should be able to simply spot a narcissist. They cannot hide that sh1t and don’t need to study psychology just basic astuteness and wisdom required.

 

 

If only it were that simple Whelk. They are very adept at working out what you want and become that person for as long as it takes to get you emotionally hooked. Once they have you that is when the games start. They are also very good at finding suitable targets (usually empaths). Trump is not a good example as he is a major narcissist and been given a huge stage and an unlimited supply to play with. Your local narcissist is harder to spot unless in a group of people you have known for a while. I spent some time on a website for survivors of narcissistic relationships. Not surprisingly it was mostly populated by women as it seems that the vast majority of people with NCP are men (apparently). It’s quite scary how many are out there.

[sadoldgit]

You can disagree with someone without having to be a cnt about it. Well most people can.

 

 

He can’t.

[Unbelievable Jeff]

The other thing that is leaving a bit of a nasty taste in my mouth about this is the fact that it is something that can be genetic, and judging by the fact that her Mother and Daughter also seem to suffer (by your own admission Soggy), it seems that it could be genetics that have caused them to be like that.

 

Maybe you should have tried to help her.

Edited 16 September, 2019 by Unbelievable Jeff

[sadoldgit]

SOG is a pompous self-righteous old fool and sharing personal stuff with what is probably the least sympathetic audience of hostile males is not the wisest move.

Fair play for honesty though.

 

You wouldn’t be Whelk if you didn’t get a dig in so thanks for that! I know what you mean but I work on the basis that the usual suspects on here are not representative of the majority of readers who rarely post. The ignore button helps. There are some decent people on here and maybe eventually they will be encouraged to post if they see that not everyone is like UJ and the others.

[Unbelievable Jeff]

You wouldn’t be Whelk if you didn’t get a dig in so thanks for that! I know what you mean but I work on the basis that the usual suspects on here are not representative of the majority of readers who rarely post. The ignore button helps. There are some decent people on here and maybe eventually they will be encouraged to post if they see that not everyone is like UJ and the others.

 

If people are suffering from abuse, encourage them to go to the police rather than post details of it to bunch of random weirdo's on a ****ing football forum.

 

This thread is so odd.

[hypochondriac]

If only it were that simple Whelk. They are very adept at working out what you want and become that person for as long as it takes to get you emotionally hooked. Once they have you that is when the games start. They are also very good at finding suitable targets (usually empaths). Trump is not a good example as he is a major narcissist and been given a huge stage and an unlimited supply to play with. Your local narcissist is harder to spot unless in a group of people you have known for a while. I spent some time on a website for survivors of narcissistic relationships. Not surprisingly it was mostly populated by women as it seems that the vast majority of people with NCP are men (apparently). It’s quite scary how many are out there.

Only the guillable with character weaknesses would say that. It's akin to a gambling addict rationalising his choices after he's lost it all. You got suckered in.

[hypochondriac]

You can disagree with someone without having to be a cnt about it. Well most people can.

Tbf if he actually answered the questions put to him I guess people would be more civil.

[Wes Tender]

You can disagree with someone without having to be a cnt about it. Well most people can.

 

Jeff can't.

[Unbelievable Jeff]

Jeff can't.

 

Not a surprise to see you on a thread about domestic violence, is it?

[Lighthouse]

Part of me wants to lure you lot into the same room, then lock you in and observe the behavioural patterns, like they do with rats when testing new psycho-active drugs.

 

Apparently I can’t (legally) do that. Shame.