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Thread: TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

  1. #1951

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    It says in the evening paper that a dog ran 31 miles to return a stick that it's master had thrown for it.

    Seems very far fetched to me....

  2. #1952

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    22 Acacia Avenue
    Posts
    9,536

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    How do you comfort a grammar nazi ?

    "There, their, they're"
    Last edited by badgerx16; 25-11-2016 at 08:55 AM.

  3. #1953

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    22 Acacia Avenue
    Posts
    9,536

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    What do you call 2 crows on a branch ?

    Attempted murder.

    ----------------------------------------

    What do you get if you put root beer in a square glass ?

    Beer.

  4. #1954

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    CREATING A PASSWORD

    cabbage

    Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

    boiledcabbage

    Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

    1 boiled cabbage

    Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

    50flamingboiledcabbages

    Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

    50FLAMINGGboiledcabbages

    Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

    50FlamingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon’t GiveMeAccessImmediately

    Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

    NowIAmGettingReallyHackedOff50FlamingBoiledCabbage sShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately

    Sorry, that password is already in use.

  5. #1955

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    When my Grandad was ill, my Grandmother smeared butter all over his back and arse cheeks.

    He went downhill very quickly after that.

  6. #1956

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    I bought the missus a bag and a belt for Christmas.

    She wasn't as happy as i thought she would be.

    Ah well never mind, the hoover is picking up great now.

  7. #1957

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Upwind View Post
    When my Grandad was ill, my Grandmother smeared butter all over his back and arse cheeks.

    He went downhill very quickly after that.
    lol

  8. Default

    My girlfriend is sick of me thinking I am a detective and suggests we split up.
    I said good idea that way we'll cover more ground.

  9. #1959

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    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

    The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

    The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

    Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

    The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

    The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

    The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

    The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

    The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

    The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

    The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Really funny. May I have the key?”

    The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

    The man demands the key to the stone door.

    The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

    He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

    Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

    So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

    Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

    The man is relieved to no end.
    He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

    But I can't tell you because you're not a monk.

  10. #1960

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    I let rip a right fart on the bus on the way home.
    The four people in front of me all turned around.

    It was just like being on The Voice...

  11. #1961

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    I've started to routinely look out for the nurse who visits our pregnant next door neighbour every day.... The thing is I'm not sure if it is actually her I fancy, or if I've got a nurses uniform fetish.

    Could it be I'm going through a midwife crisis?

  12. #1962

    Default

    Shopping in town with my girlfriend we saw a group of sexy teenagers in miniskirts. "Cor!!" I chuckled. "I bet you wish you had legs like those!"

    She didn't reply, but I could tell she was upset. I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.

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