Upwind Posted 23 October, 2015 Share Posted 23 October, 2015 Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though. The plot thickens... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
explorer saint Posted 14 November, 2015 Share Posted 14 November, 2015 Went to the Indian last night ordered a Tarka massala which is like a tikka massala just a little otter! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 14 December, 2015 Share Posted 14 December, 2015 Just got myself an Oscar Pistorius Advent Calendar that Smirnoff have just brought out... There's a shot behind every door Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shroppie Posted 14 December, 2015 Share Posted 14 December, 2015 Just got myself an Oscar Pistorius Advent Calendar that Smirnoff have just brought out... There's a shot behind every door Boom boom! Sent from my D6503 using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey Grandad Posted 14 December, 2015 Share Posted 14 December, 2015 Boom boom! Very good, but shouldn't it be: Boom boom boom boom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shroppie Posted 14 December, 2015 Share Posted 14 December, 2015 Very good, but shouldn't it be: Boom boom boom boom! Indeed. Yes. Sent from my D6503 using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadoldgit Posted 14 December, 2015 Share Posted 14 December, 2015 A grieving husband goes into a Yorkshire funeral parlour to arrange the funeral of his beloved wife. When asked what he would like on her gravestone he said I would like to keep it simple. I would like her name at the top. Her date of birth and death in the middle and at the bottom I would like "She was thine." Very good said the director, pop in next week and you can check that the headstone is as you wish. The next week he goes back to inspect the work. The name was correct as was the date of her birth and death, but the bottom line read "She was thin." The husband pointed out the mistake and that an "e" was missing. The Director apologised profusely and promised to rectify the error by the day of the funeral. The day of the funeral came but the husband was devastated to see that the headstone now said "E, she was thin," Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaMarlin Posted 14 December, 2015 Share Posted 14 December, 2015 I know of a dyslexic Yorshireman who wanders around wearing a catflap on his head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 16 December, 2015 Share Posted 16 December, 2015 A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he was reading her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek then his again. Finally, she spoke up. Granddad, did God make you Yes sweetheart, he answered, God made me a long time ago. Oh, she paused. Granddad, did God make me too? Yes indeed sweetheart, he said. God made you a little while ago. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed. God’s getting better at it isn’t he. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadoldgit Posted 18 December, 2015 Share Posted 18 December, 2015 Mary had a little lamb She also had a bear I've often seen her little lamb But I've never seen her bear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shroppie Posted 18 December, 2015 Share Posted 18 December, 2015 Mary had a little lamb She also had a bear I've often seen her little lamb But I've never seen her bear. Must be 50 years since I heard that one? Sent from my D6503 using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey Grandad Posted 18 December, 2015 Share Posted 18 December, 2015 Must be 50 years since I heard that one? Sent from my D6503 using Tapatalk I saw it carved in hieroglyphics on a pyramid in Egypt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 18 December, 2015 Share Posted 18 December, 2015 My mate dropped round for a drink with me and my girlfriend. There was a lot of flirting, and when she went to the kitchen I followed her out. "Could you cope with two guys in a bed?" I asked. "Too right I could," she grinned. "Great!" I said. "Here's twenty quid, go to the pub and I'll phone you when we've finished." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadoldgit Posted 18 December, 2015 Share Posted 18 December, 2015 I saw it carved in hieroglyphics on a pyramid in Egypt. I was the one who carved it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 10 January, 2016 Share Posted 10 January, 2016 My neighbours always having a dig at my weight. He just said "eh lad how come your such a fat bastard?". I said "Because every time i **** your wife, she gives me a chocolate biscuit." That shut him up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 18 January, 2016 Share Posted 18 January, 2016 (edited) An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the foreigner “That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.” So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?” “Liverpool,”replies the Memory Man. “Who did they beat “Leeds,” was the reply. “And the score?” “2-1.” “Who scored the winning goal?” “Ian St.John,” was the old man’s reply. The Englishman was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting - “How”. The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box"!! Edited 18 January, 2016 by John Boy Saint poor pasting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 20 January, 2016 Share Posted 20 January, 2016 Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face "Shoite, Shoite !" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face again. "Bi'Jesus. I'm fookin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes look up the stairs, which look a daunting prospect however, he rests a bit and manages to crawl up to reach his bedroom door. He slumbers into the room and again falls flat on his face, before finally clawing his way into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was fookin ****ed"..... But how did you know?' "Mick phoned ....... You left your wheelchair at the pub....." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batman Posted 22 January, 2016 Share Posted 22 January, 2016 Late in the night, Jack finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, agonizing in pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in every arm, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and yet a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 22 January, 2016 Share Posted 22 January, 2016 As I came over my sister in laws naked breasts I thought to myself "this is really going to cost me." And it did. Fifty quid to the morgue attendant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 25 January, 2016 Share Posted 25 January, 2016 Lost my best mate Gavin to heartburn yesterday. Can't believe gaviscon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadoldgit Posted 25 January, 2016 Share Posted 25 January, 2016 Late in the night, Jack finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, agonizing in pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in every arm, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and yet a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?" Jack was clearly not a migrant then otherwise he would have grabbed them regardless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 25 January, 2016 Share Posted 25 January, 2016 Jack was clearly not a migrant then otherwise he would have grabbed them regardless. Loads of migrants called Jack flooding in I've heard.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 28 January, 2016 Share Posted 28 January, 2016 A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 29 January, 2016 Share Posted 29 January, 2016 I remember the first time I ever felt really old. I was chatting up a sexy girl at a party when I suddenly thought "f*cking hell, she's 25 years younger than me, I'm old enough to be her father." I hated my 30th birthday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 30 January, 2016 Share Posted 30 January, 2016 My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special K Posted 1 February, 2016 Share Posted 1 February, 2016 Mary had a little lamb She also had a bear I've often seen her little lamb But I've never seen her bear. Mary had a little skirt, With a slit right up the front. Every time she moved her legs, You could see her ........................... forgot the ending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 3 February, 2016 Share Posted 3 February, 2016 Yesterday I saw a man talking to a Shetland Pony with a speech impediment. Horse Lisperer.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shroppie Posted 3 February, 2016 Share Posted 3 February, 2016 Yesterday I saw a man talking to a Shetland Pony with a speech impediment. Horse Lisperer.... Grammar pedant alert. I've never met any horse with a speech impediment. Sent from my D6503 using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 8 February, 2016 Share Posted 8 February, 2016 Grammar pedant alert. I've never met any horse with a speech impediment. But as it was a Shetland pony, it was a little hoarse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 8 February, 2016 Share Posted 8 February, 2016 The English chess champion got divorced today, his wife said she had had enough of his obsession with pawn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 9 February, 2016 Share Posted 9 February, 2016 A guy walks into a pub and says, ”Can you remove this steering wheel from my pants?” The bartender says, ”Why is that there? Is it annoying?” “Yes,” the man said, ”it’s driving me nuts.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 23 February, 2016 Share Posted 23 February, 2016 Donald Trump has announced that due to concerns regarding Muslim integration, he intends to sell his golf course in Scotland. He states that this is predominantly because of its' links to Mullah Kintyre... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadoldgit Posted 24 February, 2016 Share Posted 24 February, 2016 What is green and smells of pork? Kermit's finger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjsaint Posted 29 February, 2016 Share Posted 29 February, 2016 What is green and smells of pork? Kermit's finger. What's wrinkled and smells of Ginger? Fred Astaire's face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sussexsaint Posted 29 February, 2016 Share Posted 29 February, 2016 What is green and smells of pork? Kermit's finger. An anti-Semitic crocodile Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batman Posted 8 March, 2016 Share Posted 8 March, 2016 I was chatting to a bird in a club.... She whispered, "Do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny like a Polo." I said, "Oh yes, absolutely." When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped. She said, "Surprised?" I said, "Totally, I thought you meant the mint not the fuking car." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 30 March, 2016 Share Posted 30 March, 2016 The wife called me whilst I was at work yesterday lunchtime and said she had terrible stomach pains. "Well, what have you had to eat today?" I asked her. "A few slices of toast, 3 sausage rolls, 2 bags of crisps, a large portion of chips and cheese, lasagne, 2 slices of birthday cake, a Mars bar and a chocolate flapjack", she told me. "That's it, then" I said "you're probably hungry". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CB Saint Posted 30 March, 2016 Share Posted 30 March, 2016 A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman "Got any bread" Barman says "no" Duck "got any bread" "NO" "Got any bread" "NO and if you ask for bread again I'm going to nail your bill to the bar" "Got any nails" "No" "Got any bread" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 8 April, 2016 Share Posted 8 April, 2016 Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it." After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 8 April, 2016 Share Posted 8 April, 2016 At a job interview a gent was asked... "What's your weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a **** what you think." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 8 April, 2016 Share Posted 8 April, 2016 What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trevor in Vancouver Posted 3 June, 2016 Share Posted 3 June, 2016 How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, apparently not 5 - my basement is still dark! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trevor in Vancouver Posted 3 June, 2016 Share Posted 3 June, 2016 What do Ayrton Senna and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey Grandad Posted 3 June, 2016 Share Posted 3 June, 2016 How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, apparently not 5 - my basement is still dark! And another... What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 12 June, 2016 Share Posted 12 June, 2016 "I love your new silk underwear," I whispered to my girlfriend. "It's incredibly sexy." "So I see," she replied. "Now take it off, you look f*cking ridiculous." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 12 June, 2016 Share Posted 12 June, 2016 My favourite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjsaint Posted 13 June, 2016 Share Posted 13 June, 2016 My favourite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car. That was in incredibly bad taste sir. I love it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 June, 2016 Share Posted 24 June, 2016 My wife woke me up this morning and said "That's it. We're out of Europe." I can't believe it. Didn't even know we were playing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 June, 2016 Share Posted 24 June, 2016 It's been five hours, and the disastrous implications are only just beginning to sink in. We won't be able to enter the Eurovision Song Contest any more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 24 June, 2016 Share Posted 24 June, 2016 "If we leave the EU, the £350 million saved each day can go to the NHS". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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