Top tips

Does anyone have any useful tips?

For example, instead of using tin foil in the grill pan to save washing it, put some water in the pan so the fat drops in the water. Also the trouble with foil is it reflects the heat so whatever you are cooking will be at a higher temperature and likely to lead to under cooking the inside while burning the outside.

The best tip I ever got was from a former gf. Her dad worked on building sites, and his mantra was "if you're going anywhere, see if there is anything you can take with you". Consequently, whenever I leave the "man room" I scan it for things that need scooting to the kitchen. Very good tip for keeping on top of stuff.

Dont eat yellow snow

Don't drink alcohol. It is expensive, ruins your health and wastes a large chunk of your life getting over the hangovers.

Stick to orange squash.

Many years ago myself and a colleague had to give a demonstration of some technical equipment to Terry Duffy who was then leader of the Engineering Union and was visiting the company.

He was a very affable bloke and when we finished we said jokingly "Don't we get a tip then?"

He said "I'll give you a tip. Stay away from women, they're nothing but trouble".

My dear old dad trained as a master carpenter and used to work on the carriages of the Royal trains. His best tip (apart from "always keep your tool sharp" ) was "Measure twice, cut once".

Never put a light bulb in your back pocket

if your going out on the pull,never go out with a loaded weapon.

and if you get lucky, always sniff your fingers before you go down the coal face

Vinegar eases both diarrhoeah (sp) AND constipstion and it doesn't taste as bad dd you'd think. Half a mugful should suffice.

Don't do drugs 'cause drugs are bad.

Don't kill anyone either, that's bad too.

Never spend what you cannot afford to lose.

If you are interrupted by someone while you are on the vinegar straights, you can easily disguise this with a fake sneeze.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.

SAVE MONEY on expensive air fresheners by sticking lavender un your arse. Then everytime you fart, a burst of soothing fragrance is released into your home.

SECOND RATE Scottish female celebrities. When flying from London to Glasgow on a Friday night, always board last and make an awful fuss about the lockers being full, thus ensuring everyone seated will know who you are. Better still, stop f*cking around with pots of paint in other people's houses and get a proper job.

HOMELESS people. Take the **** by asking for money 'for a cup of tea' whilst ****ed out of your face on Special Brew.

WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.

Thread a piece of string through everything you own. Hey presto! Whenever you need to find something, just follow the string

Don't discard used banana skins.. . .They make ideal sun hats for starfish.

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p!ss!ng in the sink.

Girls, An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

LOOK 'hard' on train journeys by saving up all your empty beer cans for a month and then lining them up on the table in front of you.

Weight watchers: Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking thing in the first place, you fat b@stards.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place

A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers

Don't cross the road between parked cars.

But if you really have to ...

[video=youtube;kGHniuP-Ybg]

Funky Gibbon; 15:35; Catterick

Vote UKIP

Dont have Alpen for breakfast if your running late..

Never ask for top tips on a football forum

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are upside-down.

Never ask for top tips on a football forum

I've used some already.

I've used some already.

Did the pop tarts work?

Did the pop tarts work?

I haven't killed anyone... but the temptation is still there.