Upwind

I can only **** the wife using a lubricant. About 8 pints normally. I've had many relationships with fat chicks. They never work out. Just been stopped in the street today by a Lady conducting a survey. She asked me what I knew about dwarfs. I said ''Very Little.'' For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in London has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:- A - Taxi licence in Manchester B - Convenience store in Bradford C- Service station in Birmingham D- Kebab shop in Newcastle E- Take away cafe in Leeds If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advice to BT customers in UK.

I've seen this before - quite amusing..........

Boris Johnson Jade Goody (RIP) James Corden

http://www.demotix.com/news/355290/london-world-naked-bike-ride-2010 There's a full frontal of Mary Portas amongst this lot from the London world naked bike ride 2010. Not quite as appetising, but still not bad for an older lady.

Them there travelling folk ain't helping their cause either - that's a lot of ginger on site. http://www.telegraph...iction-day.html

Still no update from the lovely Olga yet Stevo.................... I for one, would be interested in dating her lonely mother

Chris Moyles Chris Evans Cheryl Cole Peaches Geldof Victoria Beckham Pete Doherty Katy Price Kerry Katona Jeremy Kyle Jade Goody………………………………..She’s what….? Amy Winehouse………………………………..Also…..?

Whilst I agree that having a reasonably well paid job can be important, surely it is not the be all and end all - surely having ‘enough’ money to live comfortably without having to struggle is surely the aim. I am currently in a job paying £18 grand pa; however, I do have access to a gym and I play golf/squash during my lunchtime for free. I work 38 (ish) hours per week and have a daily commute of 15/20 mins each way. This gives me time to myself and means that I can chillax when I get home. Alternatively, my neighbour works in London and is paid £32 grand (salaried). He works shifts and commutes (by train) to work. When discussing this the other day we estimated that he probably spends in the region of 800-1000 hours commuting per year, which in itself equates to just short of 40 days per annum - he also pays his own transport costs which amount to around £2 grand. He rarely gets time to visit the gym, is constantly stressed and looks awful He also drinks to much and invariably eats quick and easy ‘ping’ food as he doesn’t have the time prepare some home cooked. Now I concede he is earning over 40% more than me and he is the first to remind me about this; however, to me he seems to be existing rather than living and in my opinion quality of life should outweigh quantity every time.

Bored or suicidal?

UK SME................. I'm still trying to work it out..? UK = United Kingdom............I'm guessing SME = ?

George Best and Alex Higgins are said to be over the moon !!! They've just heard there is a winehouse on its way to heaven

I'm guessing that if you swapped the pasta for rice and did away with sauces it may help also. I also love my pasta, but I also mix this with rice dishes, salads, fish, chicken and have the occasional blow-out on red meat or a gut busting take-away. I also drink (cider/rum) like a fish - which I know is not good for me. To balance this out though I do go the gym every weekday morning and I play squash/golf every at dinner-times also.

I'd forgotten about this thread.................... I recently heard another expression whilst in a meeting. The person giving the presentation was referred to as a 'Meanderthal'...........in that he had difficulty in expressing himself concisely and would therefore often give prolonged and unfocused presentations. And finally, I have also heard an expression to describe someone who constantly uses business speak - this individual should be referred to as a 'Jargonaut'

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's a marsupial and the other is a geordie who's stuck in the lift...

Verbal and diarrhoea = ......................whoosh!

Verbal - you must get your fair share of it.....................??

I once sat on a rugby ball - hope this helps

I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other day. There was a spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we lay together making love I thought to myself........ These f*cking tazers are well worth the money.

I was showing my doctor the rash on my cock today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just told me to make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow and walked off pushing his shopping trolley.

I use Quorn mince for Bolognaise, Shep Pie, Lasagne etc. I personally think that provided you have a flavoured sauce with it, it is as good as having the minced animal parts that you normally get in regular mincemeat. If I do go for the 'real' mincemeat option though, I always go for minced steak.

A man from Portsmouth who appeared on the Tv series Embarrassing Bodies was delighted to find out that the red rash around his cock was only his sisters lipstick!

My ex wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said, "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help!" So i sent her a timetable.

My current 'favourite' is one I heard one of our mechanics using. He stated that a piece of equipment was in for 'Percussive maintenance' - which in the common practice of 'fixing' a piece a equipment by smacking it repeatedly. Similar to a 'techie kick'

Or you could go for a visioning session, or even a meeting to facipulate thoughts......

Last week I heard the following utterance.........."Can I stir fry an idea in your think-wok?" I'm still not quite sure what stopped me from head-butting the guy (repeatedly) right there and then.