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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....


Redbul

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  • 4 weeks later...

CREATING A PASSWORD

 

cabbage

 

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

 

boiledcabbage

 

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

 

1 boiled cabbage

 

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

 

50flamingboiledcabbages

 

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

 

50FLAMINGGboiledcabbages

 

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

 

50FlamingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessImmediately

 

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

 

NowIAmGettingReallyHackedOff50FlamingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately

 

Sorry, that password is already in use.

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  • 3 weeks later...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

 

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

 

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

 

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

 

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

 

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

 

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

 

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

 

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

 

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

 

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

 

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Really funny. May I have the key?”

 

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

 

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

 

The man demands the key to the stone door.

 

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

 

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

 

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

 

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

 

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

 

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

 

But I can't tell you because you're not a monk.

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I've started to routinely look out for the nurse who visits our pregnant next door neighbour every day.... The thing is I'm not sure if it is actually her I fancy, or if I've got a nurses uniform fetish.

 

Could it be I'm going through a midwife crisis?

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Shopping in town with my girlfriend we saw a group of sexy teenagers in miniskirts. "Cor!!" I chuckled. "I bet you wish you had legs like those!"

 

She didn't reply, but I could tell she was upset. I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.

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Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

 

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

 

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

 

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

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I thought my new girlfriend might be "the one" until she invited me in for coffee. When I went upstairs to the bathroom I sneaked a look in her wardrobe and found a policewomans uniform, together with a maids outfit and a nurses uniform. That's when I decided.

 

If she can't hold down a job she's not for me.

Edited by scotty
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A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

 

"I want a female horth." He said to a dealer, who shows him a mare.

 

"Nithe horth, Can I thee her eythe?". The dealer picks him up and shows him its eyes.

 

"Nithe eyeth, Can I thee her teeth?" He lifts the dwarf up and shows him her teeth.

 

"Nithe teeth, Can I thee her twot?". So the dealer lifts him up and shoves his head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later.

 

"I'll reefwaze that, Can I thee her wun awound?" ...

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In Edinburgh on business, I went into a pub and ordered a pint of best with a double scotch chaser. The landlord poured the drinks and said "there you are Sir, pint of best and a large malt. That'll be 55 pence."

 

I said "55p? That would cost me fifteen quid back in London." I sat down, and noticed a couple of blokes chatting at an empty table. "Not drinking then lads?" I asked. "The prices in here are unbelievable!"

 

"I know," replied one of them. "Why do you think we're waiting for Happy Hour?"

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I thought my new girlfriend might be "the one" until she invited me in for coffee. When I went upstairs to the bathroom I sneaked a look in her wardrobe and found a policewomans uniform, together with a maids outfit and a nurses uniform. That's when I decided.

 

If she can't hold down a job she's not for me.

nice one
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A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading.

The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.

The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying.

The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV.

The trooper asked to be kicked up the arse three times .

This was carried out, as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9 mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK 47 and killed the rest of the terrorists.

The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun,

Because, said the trooper, when we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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For a couple of months now, I've been getting to know a very friendly young lady who insists on calling me every evening for a chat.

 

Earlier today, I plucked up the courage to ask her if I could masturbate to the sound of her sexy voice.

 

 

I think that's the last I've heard of Anglian Windows.

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I love your jokes, most of them make me chuckle

 

I can't claim the credit for all of them Nick, most of them are from the late lamented sickipedia, but a lot of the ones I've put on here I wrote for that site myself. When it died I had about 200 of my own jokes listed on there. The forums were a brilliant laugh as well.

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I can't claim the credit for all of them Nick, most of them are from the late lamented sickipedia, but a lot of the ones I've put on here I wrote for that site myself. When it died I had about 200 of my own jokes listed on there. The forums were a brilliant laugh as well.
good stuff,
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We threaded our way to the middle of the showroom, and the car dealer stroked the windscreen. "Beautiful, isn't she?" he said.

 

"Certainly is," I replied. "Reminds me of my perfect woman."

 

He chuckled. "You mean she's sleek, sexy, and goes like the clappers?"

 

"No," I said. "I mean she's four years old and locked in."

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I phoned the radio station yesterday.

 

The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize!"

 

"That fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

 

"Feel confident?" The presenter asked, "Its a maths question."

 

"Well, I've got a degree in maths," I proudly replied, "and teach it my local school."

 

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Sheffield United game and to meet the team after the game what is 2+2?"

 

"7" I replied

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I said to my wife, "lets go out to eat tonight."

She came back with the classic, "I have nothing to wear" reply.

So I said to her, "just wear what you had on the last time we went out, you looked beautiful."

So there we were in the local steak house, me in jeans and a T shirt, and her in her wedding dress!

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"Excuse me," I said to the woman in front of me on the bus."You have semen on the back of your jacket."

 

"I don't think so," she replied. "It's probably yoghurt."

 

"It's definitely semen," I said. "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

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