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Question for parents over 60 years old


Saint in Paradise
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How old were your children before they no longer expected you to bale them out of a

financial problem situation? We are only talking of about £950 - not thousands - and

the child and partner* are employed. In the past several "loans" have been asked for

(and given) with a promise that we will "soon" be repaid, never have been though but

then again we have never actually asked for repayment.

 

We are now both O.A.P's. so not exactly rolling in money and that money that we do

have is for us to enjoy after long hard working lives.

 

*(They are in their mid forties and early fifties).

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Hope you dont mind a younger parent contributing. Im nearly 50 but have 4 children 2 of which are in their late and mid 20's.

 

We have bailed out one in particular many times, he's a good lad but a bit dopey sometimes. He's paid us back intermittently,but I've always taken the view that it upsets my mrs to see him worried and that's worth some cash to put her mind at rest. My other halfs old fella is pretty wealthy and I know he's helped him before as well ( although he doesn't know we know).

 

I guess it all depends what the kids need it for and how flush you are. I've always tried to put myself in my dads shoes and think "what would dad do" if it was me wanting money. My dad wasn't well off, so its a better comparison than her old man. Funny thing is I get more annoyned with the little amounts than the "loans". When I buy him a match ticket or we get on the train and he has yet to "visit the cash point" ,so I have to buy the train ticket. If he offered to pay or tried to pay, id probably say no, but the fact he doesn't grates.

 

I guess we'll always be coughing up for certain kids, im going to get pay back by being a miserable old twt when im old hanging around as long as I can.

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How old were your children before they no longer expected you to bale them out of a

financial problem situation? We are only talking of about £950 - not thousands - and

the child and partner* are employed. In the past several "loans" have been asked for

(and given) with a promise that we will "soon" be repaid, never have been though but

then again we have never actually asked for repayment.

 

We are now both O.A.P's. so not exactly rolling in money and that money that we do

have is for us to enjoy after long hard working lives.

 

*(They are in their mid forties and early fifties).

 

I suppose it depends on why they got into the mess in the first place. If the head gasket on there car went and they are struggling to make ends meet anyway then probably. If however they are just a bit carp with cash and living beyond their means then given that they have never paid back any loan before maybe not. If I did, I would spell out that it was a loan, agree a repayment plan and get them to put up a standing order the day after pay day.

 

if you don't and never ask for the money then they will keep asking. All IMHO

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You never stop supporting them. There are several ways you can look at it, saving inheritance tax, hope that they'll look after you in your old age, they'll get it eventually, but I suppose, as mentioned above, it all depends on how and why they need it. If it's for drinking and having a good time then I don't think I'd feel like helping. We have two children and seven grandchildren. There always seems to be a birthday just around the corner.

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I have three children and none of them have ever asked to be baled out. I have voluntary given them cash or bought things that I know they needed without them asking beforehand. My wife and I are now at a stage in our lives when we have to consider Inheritance Tax and we shall make the maximum gift allowance that we can soon, to prevent the Government charging us 40% on a part of our Estate. I guess I have been lucky with my children of whom I am very proud .but we went without things when we and they were younger in order to bring them up as best we could.

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Some people are just selfish / narcissistic. My ex has always been the kind of person who sees nothing wrong with asking without contributing. We had a large three bed house which was plenty big enough for us and two kids but she decided she wanted a a big pile in the country and asked her dad for £90,000. Her dad is retired, lives in a modest house and has reasonable savings because his wife recently died, but also has an adult aspergers son living at home to take care of. Giving her the cash would had left him seriously short, but she persisted and he agreed.

Edited by buctootim
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If you love your kids, it never ends.

 

I have every reason to be in the "Let them stand on their own two feet" school as my parents never bailed me out - but that was not only because they weren't in a position to do so but also because I have been lucky enough that I never had to ask them to do so.

 

I never really expected any sort of inheritance from my parents. I expected them to - and was more than happy that they did - spend what money they had in making their twilight years as happy and comfortable as possible.

 

I've been lucky - aided by a fair amount of ability -that my wife and I have always held down good jobs. We're nicely set up and own a four-bedroomed detached house in a very desirable part of the country (which is our nest-egg), run a new car and have two holidays a year. That's not me boasting. We will both have to work until we're 67 and that might not leave me much time for a cushy retirement.

 

I come from working-class stock and still regard myself as solidly working-class, even if the Daily Mail and other arms of the media would regard me as having the trappings of middle-class.

 

But ours has been a lucky generation, in many senses. We've both had the good fortune in coming through various tough economic times unscathed, and unlike many others, we've never experienced redundancy and never been out of work, so have always been fortunate to have two incomes, which is why we are in the position we are now.

 

While I have been able to work for everything I have, I fully appreciate a twist of fate -an HR bod putting a tick against my name instead of somebody else, an accountant's red pen drawing a red line through an unprofitable arm of a company - and things could have been vastly different, so I never take what I have for granted.

 

I look at what I have got and I sometimes feel guilty at how little my parents had to show for all the work they put in.

 

Then I look at my kids and see how tough they might have it.

 

On the surface it all looks rosy. My daughter has a fairly-well paid job in London and my son is completing his Phd at Oxford (yes, he's that bloody clever).

 

But until such time as her other grandparents die or we do, my daughter is not going to be able to save enough for a deposit on a property anywhere near where she works, while my son will emigrate to either the States, Australia or Canada as that is where the leading, cutting-edge research is carried out in his field.

 

We willingly helped them our kids out when they were doing their degrees in the knowledge that doing so would enable them to get the qualifications they needed. And although - as a result of that - both my kids look very well set, I'm acutely aware that at any time, one of those cruel twists of fate I mentioned above, could strike them.

 

At such time, of course we would step in. They are both adults now, in their mid-20s, but they never stop being your children.

 

While they are adults and have to live their own lives, they also have to know that you will always be there for them. That doesn't make us a soft touch and a convenient safety net for them if they decide to be irresponsible and profligate but if it gives them some sort of security that we are always there for them I'm happy with that..

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How old were your children before they no longer expected you to bale them out of a

financial problem situation? We are only talking of about £950 - not thousands - and

the child and partner* are employed. In the past several "loans" have been asked for

(and given) with a promise that we will "soon" be repaid, never have been though but

then again we have never actually asked for repayment.

 

We are now both O.A.P's. so not exactly rolling in money and that money that we do

have is for us to enjoy after long hard working lives.

 

*(They are in their mid forties and early fifties).

 

it never stops mate. Nor will you ever stop worrying about them.

 

My advice is from now on make it all *very* clear.... Is it a loan or a gift? How are you making things fair for your other children?

 

And and definitely write it all down and get them to read and sign what you write. That may have little legal status but it will save any potentially nasty family arguments later on.

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I remember a story which I heard about or read about, can't quite remember where.

 

A guy had 2 children, one of which was always asking for a loan. The father never asked for any money back and none was ever offered and it went on for years. Fast forward to the father's passing and the will. The dad left everything to the child that didn't ask for money and left nothing for the child that had spent years sponging off him. There was also a note for that child explaining that the will didn't mean they were loved less or anything like that , it was just that "you had your share whilst I was alive".

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Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

They do tend to spend money, without really thinking, on items we wouldn't and we had

hoped that at their ages they would have learned more sense by now.

 

However as some have said you do still feel responsible for them so I suspect that we will

cave in yet again although goodness knows what they will do when we have eventually died.

.

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It always makes me chuckle when someone tells me they have just 'loaned' one of their kids money - you can wave goodbye to it!

 

Personally, in simple terms, I don't want my kids to worry about money - but I want them to understand that if they borrow something, they pay it back.

Last time my daughter started paying off properly I wrote off the last amount to give her a pleasant surprise.

The key is that they make an effort and don't take payouts for granted.

And they certainly don't owe us money while still managing to have three holidays and a new car - If they are broke I want to see them suffering! :)

 

You can always remind them that if they owed money to a bank instead of you, they would be less generous and would come and take stuff away.

Good luck with the balancing act.

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