scotty

I loved the way defoe whined at stephens after a tackle on the left, jack went sauntering away with a huge grin on his face. Brilliant.

"I sometimes wonder if you even know what my face looks like." Said my girlfriends tits.

The first rule of Chinese Whispers Club is "Never talk about Tiny Whiskers Grub."

I watched "Back to the Future" in Norwich. Near the end I suddenly thought "bloody hell, he's going to f*ck his mother!!" Luckily, the usher saw them too and threw them out of the cinema. (That's about the only grin I can muster after yesterdays debacle.)

"It's a bit icy outside," said my wife. "Would you mind polishing my boots for me before I go out?" The leather hasn't come up too well, but you should see the shine on those soles.

In Edinburgh on business, I went into a pub and ordered a pint of best with a double scotch chaser. The landlord poured the drinks and said "there you are Sir, pint of best and a large malt. That'll be 55 pence." I said "55p? That would cost me fifteen quid back in London." I sat down, and noticed a couple of blokes chatting at an empty table. "Not drinking then lads?" I asked. "The prices in here are unbelievable!" "I know," replied one of them. "Why do you think we're waiting for Happy Hour?"

Oddly enough, that's just what I was thinking.

I thought my new girlfriend might be "the one" until she invited me in for coffee. When I went upstairs to the bathroom I sneaked a look in her wardrobe and found a policewomans uniform, together with a maids outfit and a nurses uniform. That's when I decided. If she can't hold down a job she's not for me.

I think he meant

It's at least partly right. Loads of what you can get on sky is available online for nothing, people are no keener to spend money on something they don't need to than they are to buy cds available for nothing online.

Vardy got away with murder at sms last season. I was all for Leicester winning the title until I saw that game and realised how they were doing it.

Get a Siemens, Miele or a Bosch. You can get the first two with a separate cutlery tray at the top,which is more useful than it sounds, and all three are well made and reliable.

Shopping in town with my girlfriend we saw a group of sexy teenagers in miniskirts. "Cor!!" I chuckled. "I bet you wish you had legs like those!" She didn't reply, but I could tell she was upset. I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.

Despite the current criticism of our league form quite a few were saying exactly this before the season even started, ie they'd settle for a mid table finish if it meant a decent cup run or final.

The motd taters thought Barton was trying to curl it over the wall to his top left corner, but mis-hit it straight into the wall. Barton said afterwards that it wasn't the best free kick he'd ever taken but fortunately ended up in the net, which strongly implies that he was aiming elsewhere. Personally I don't blame FF for that one at all.

Who are you, and what have you done with Dalek?

Read the BBC match report, they aren't exactly known for their pro-saints bias.

That's pretty much the BBCs take on the match, to be fair.

Chalk this one up to me, lads. I switched on solent after work just as the subs were made. Moments later barton scores the winner. I should have known better, the moment I hear merringtons dulcet tones we invariably drop a goal. Sorry.

"Do I not like that." RIP.

Please god, no.

To be fair, he had big boots to fill.