Bearsy

I reckon cos of the scope of this movie we're gonna need a budget of at least $90m. That will come out your end. Plus say another $20m to make it 3D (kids love 3D). That will come out your end too. You can cast all the dudes, I'll cast the goth chick with the big nipples. I will probably need to feel up quite a few actresses to get this done, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice!

Wait... are you mocking his agenda?

I'm not sure bout their manager tbh, but their squad is miles better. It ain't even close.

I don't know if we'll see Mayuka for a while, I read he was getting stoned in South Africa last week.

Didn't JT get arrested for GBH one time? I seem to remember something bout it. It's hard to be sure tho cos no-one cared that much and there weren't anywhere near the same press coverage.

When krakens masturbate it makes a clicking noise, cos of their clawed hands. It's nice that he's pleased tho.

That's a thinker. Oh, is that what you was doing? You was lampooning the hypocrisy of posters who are usually so quick to defend every aspect of Southampton no matter how pedantic, suddenly switching sides and hating on Southampton for this one? Sorry bro, missed that. Too subtle!

You misjudge benjii. I always like to look for the best in people until proven otherwise, and it's entirely possible he was calling you a valued poster and snappy dresser. Try not to leap to conclusions.

I reckon that's the defense they'd use in the Magistrate's court and they'd be found not-guilty cos of reasonable doubt. The FA disciplinary boys wouldn't be having it tho. Lesser burden of proof, apparently.

To be fair it is well known racist chant Turkish. The Chelsea fans invented it after Terry called him a black c*nt. Other than the racisms, my main problem is copying chants off Chelsea. Inexcusable.

Pardew done some great signings, but it's probably easier to find players good enough for League 1, especially when you've got a bigger budget than everyone else.

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 2 I wake up and find I'm in the rape cell of Christian's house. I can't remember how I got here. I think really hard but sometimes it's difficult without using my brain. There is a strange sensation in my head. It's like pain. Is this what people call a headache? In all my 21 years I've never had a headache before. I always wondered what people was going on about when they said they had headaches. I asked my Dad once, how come I never get headaches dad? He said an unused chisel never blunts. Whatever that means. My Inner Goddess is here. She's on the other side of the room, by the manacles. As I watch she reaches down to her bumhole, roots inside a bit and then slowly lifts her hand to her mouth and licks her fingers. I wish she'd stop doing that. It's making me hungry. The Subconscious is here too. "You're a dumb fvvck," she says. I dunno if she's talking to me or the Inner Goddess. What did I do? "He's left you a note," she adds, pointing at the set of drawers where Christian keeps his scalpels. It's a note from Christian! MISS STEELE I AM AT WORK. DO NOT CALL ME. I AM BUSY. DOCTOR SAVILE IS COMING TO SEE YOU. THERE IS A TOOTHBRUSH FOR YOU BESIDE THIS NOTE. DO NOT USE MY TOOTHBRUSH. EVER. CHRISTIAN I give an immediate gasp of horror! No x's! What does this mean? Is he angry with me? Doesn't he love me anymore? I find my cell phone and call his number. "Yes," he says. "Christian? It's me." "Who dammit." "Ana." "Oh for fvvcks sake. What is it?" "Erm. How are you doing?" There's a long pause. "I'm very busy." What does that mean! Why does he always have to talk in riddles. Teasing, teasing man! "I'm going to go to use the bathroom in a minute." "Fine," he says and hangs up. Just that, "Fine". No interest, he doesn't ask me if it's number one or number two or anything. (It's number two). I head for the bathroom. He has two sinks in his bathroom. I think it's one of the best things about him. I remember dimly something about Jose but I can't quite make it out. I realise I left my new new toothbrush on the chest of drawers but it seems a lot of trouble to go back and get it, so I just use Christian's. *********************************************************************** Doctor Savile comes when I'm just finishing my dump. I don't even have time to wipe. I dress quickly in Christian's underpants, Christian's socks, Christian's trousers and Christian's best shirt. They baseball one signed by Babe Ruth he has hanging on the wall. I have to smash the glass to get it out, and it gets a small tear on the sleeve. It doesn't matter, I'm only going to wear it indoors. Doctor Savile is smoking his big cigar. "Now then, now then my lovely. I hear you're a bit under the weather. Had a little visit from our old friend Mr. Roofie last night is it?" I don't know what he's on about. Probably the Babe Ruth shirt I'm wearing. "No, I'm ok. Just got a bit of a headache." "Now then, now then. Headache is it my lovely. I'd better have a look. Pop your clothes off." I take off Christian's shirt, and Christian's trousers, and Christian's underpants, and Christian's socks and dump them in a pile in the floor. Doctor Savile comes over and carries out a very thorough examination. It's good to be in the hands of a top medical professional, he should be able to get to the bottom of my headache. He does in fact immediately head for the bottom. "Now then, now then. Bend over," he says. I kind of wish I'd wiped now. It's probably a bit rude. I try to clench my bum to suck up the smell but it backfires and I let off a small parp in his face. His cigar blazes briefly like a chinese lantern. "Oh I'm sorry," I say but Doctor Savile does not seem bothered. He moves his face closer to my bum and sniffs deeply. "Now then, now then I'd better take your temperature. Shut your eyes." I close my eyes and hear the zip of Doctor Savile taking his thermometer out of it's case. "It's quite a large one," he says. He slides it roughly into my bum. He's gone to the trouble of warming it to body temperature. That shows what a good Doctor he is. You don't get that sort of service at the public hospitals. "Can't get a good reading," he grunts and slides it in and out a few times. I'm in some discomfort at this point, but I grit my teeth and bear it. "Got to get deeper," he hisses in my ear and I give out an involuntary gasp of pain. Suddenly he gives a howl of anguish and I feel warm liquid wash inside my seething anal passage. Oh no! The thermometer must have broken! Will Christian still want my bum when he finds out it's full of broken glass and mercury? "You dumb fvvck," says the Subconscious standing by the doorway, holding my Inner Goddess in a resolute headlock. Why is she always so mean?

Think you missed one or two important plot points here Mikey. Clarkson is betrayed by Hammond and James May while on a routine Chrysler Junket. He wakes up on a fishing boat with complete amnesia. Slowly he discovers he has unexplained talents for making car metaphors and faux controversial opinions. What is the Clarkson Identity? Why do so many people think he is a cvnt? He has to hook up with an Asylum Seeker chick and go on the run in her Mini. Things become awkward when he finds himself telling her that her car drives like a child's shoe on wheels, and she shouldn't be in this country anyway. FIN

I would like an Option on this please! I specially like the feel-good ending bout Sandler getting his brains blown out. Green Lit.

It's good, but you need more motivation for your gnomes. International Terrorism is very hot at the moment. Perhaps the Gnomes is muslim, and are duping british citizens so they can get to Disneyworld to commit Acts Of Terrorism On American Soil. We can tie it in with my Jack Bauer movie.

I'm also in negotiations to do remake of Man On Fire with Denzel Washington. In my version he is literally on fire the whole time! It causes difficulties in his personal life and also professionally, cos he is postman.

Just by the by can anyone remember seeing all my other sweet movie ideas? The ones I remember is: LONG THROW - A sports biopic bout Rory Delap 2 - This is the movie version of 24 with Jack Bauer SKILLZ THAT KILLZ- Based on a True Story bout when George Samson saved the world in Intergallactic Dance Off

I thought I done a thread bout this once before, but I can't find it no more. What you do is have a sweet idea for a movie and then post it on here so any passing hollywood execs can steal ur ideas! SHERLOCK BONES This is bout a famous police detective, but the twist is he don't really solve the crimes himself, he is followed round by the ghost of Jimmy Savile who helps him solve the crimes but only if Sherlock Bones does bad stuff like flash his wiener at old ladies in Hyde Park. This is drama cos Sherlock Bones is conflicted bout having to do bad stuff like flashing his wiener at old ladies in Hyde Park in order to do good stuff like deductions to catch criminals. It opens up with Sherlock Bones at a police psychiatrist cos he's been suspended since he got drunk at the Christmas Party and Jimmy Savile made him vvank off into the punch bowl. He is trying to convince psychiatrist that he's ok to go back to work and he don't drink no more and he ain't seeing things no more, but it's tough cos every time the psychiatrist opens her mouth Jimmy Savile pretends to felate her with his cigar. Anyway, Jimmy Savile does an amazing deduction when looking up the psychiatrists skirt that she was born with balls and a vagina and Sherlock Bones uses these informations to blackmail her into getting his job back. Then we is in the Police Offices and we is finding Sherlock Bones has got a new partner who is Hot Girl. She is like "Oh you don't look like him," and he is like, "Who?" and she is like "They said not to mention Jimmy Savile, I assumed you'd look like him," and he is like "Now then, now then." Sherlock Bones most famous case before he got arrested was when he done deductions to catch people who was stealing the crown jewels. The Queen is remembering this, so when she has new crimes at the Palace she is always calling for Sherlock Bones. They is having one now. Sherlock gets there and finds someone has been bum raping the Queens corgis. They don't know who done it, and they want Sherlock Bones to do his deductions. Sherlock Bones is like, "How do you know it was rape?" and they're like, "Are you saying it was consensual?" and Sherlock is like, "How do you know it was even a dude, it might have been a big dog." But they have a vet who says that the knob that went up the corgi's bum was definitely too big to be just a dog. Sherlock Bones is a bit flumoxed. It's bad cos he wants to impress Hot Girl. Jimmy Savile is smoking nonchalantly on his big cigar, and saying he knows how they can find out, but he'll only help if Sherlock Bones goes out, get's wasted and flashes his wiener at old ladies in Hyde Park. Sherlock Bones is like no way, I'm gonna solve this one myself, and spends the day looking at Corgi bumholes and examining the wieners of the Palace staff, looking for bite marks and dog biscuits. The next day everyone at the Police Station is ripping the p!ss out of Sherlock Bones and putting sexy pictures of dogs on his computer. The Dumb Chief is also riding him bout getting the case solved. Jimmy Savile is winding Sherlock up, and saying that not only has he solved the crimes, but that the Queen's life is in danger. Under pressure to get case solved Sherlock Bones goes out, gets wasted and flashes his wiener at old ladies in Hyde Park. The next day everyone is talking bout the return of the Hyde Park Flasher. Sherlock Bones is assigned to the case. He has to interview all the old ladies which is lols cos he's worried bout being recognised, and also cos they keep mugging him off saying it was very small wiener. Here is some dialogues: SAVILE: Now then, now then. The Queen is going to die tonight, unless you do what I say. SHERLOCK: Oh FFS. Go on then. SAVILE: Take off all your clothes. Savile makes Sherlock go the Palace with the Hot Girl. She is confused why Sherlock is naked, but whatever. They sneak over the gates into the Palace and up into the Queens state rooms. Savile is like "Smell that?". Hot girl is like "Who farted?". Sherlock is like, "Dog poo!" They is finding loads of small bombs under the Queens bed, all covered in dog boo. Turns out terrorists was smuggling bombs into the palace in the Corgis bumholes! Sherlock Bones is big hero! FIN

Sounds like you laid a number of floaters there Johnny. a) Christan Grey would never let his b!tch buy the drinks. It's emasculating, she's sposed to feel in your debt and you're sposed to be in charge of how much alcohol and roofies she is consuming 2) It sounds like you let her do entirely too much talking. B!tches will talk all night if you let them. You should be openly yawning, looking at your watch, criticising her grammars until you're finally dominating the conversation talking entirely bout how great you are. d) Did you even remember to make her think her friends want to bone you? iii) Her Inner Goddess is strong. It must be if she read all 3 books. There is really no excuse for not getting some, I wonder if perhaps you done something dumb like saying "Do you fancy coming back to mine?". Never ask yes/no questions like that! You should be teaching her to follow simple instructions, "Drink this," rather than "Do you want a drink?", "Get in," rather than "Do you want a lift home?". I've got 100% success rate with my new line for getting phone numbers since reading 50 Shades, I just have my phone out and I'm like, "What is your number." I used to be like "Can I get your number?" but that gives them opportunity to make a simple "No." It is a matter of finest distinction. It is not too late to save the situation. Turn up at her place of work. Buy curtain pole and lube. If she asks how you found her a simple manly "I tracked ur phone" is best.

6 knots could be the difference between outrunning a blue whale and having to rub one off through the torpedo tube.

Good bantz from Luke Shaw tho!

I've read some of Mc Nutty's blogs on the bbc. I've always thought he was massive helmet. Obviously given his recent kind words bout Southampton I'm upgrading him to just Bit Of A Helmet.

This anonymous ransom note was received at St. Mary's before the Swansea game. I think it explains Cortese's apparent change of heart.

I've been told to ration plurals on main board, Baj is having crackdown

Nigel said this bout last week bout why Shaw only just made his first start: