Bearsy

Garth Crooks: Oh Mr. Lawrenson, Southampton have equalised! Shall I update vidi-printer? Lawrenson: No. (takes a puff of big cigar). Them fvvckers can wait.

My new thing is going up to women at work, looking on their face and saying "Oh are you doing that for Movember?" I'm making myself very populars!

W-wait... you're yanking my chain right?

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 23 So Christian Grey is turning up in Georgia unexpected. He is announcing his arrival in traditional stalker fashion by sending her text messages like "Don't you think you've had enough to drink?" and "That burger will go straight to your butt!". He rocks up at this bar where Anastasia is out with her mum. You can tell her mum is wet for him. Even Anastasia is noticing, and she don't hardly notice anything. The mum immediately offers him a drink, he orders "A gin and tonic, Hendricks if they have it or if not Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with the Bombay Sapphire." That'll learn her! If someone was giving me a complicated drinks order like that I'd be like "Yo! Get it your fvvcking self!" The mum is excusing herself to the toilets, probably to flick herself off in a cubical. Anastasia Steele, toilet monitor, is like "Yo mum, ain't you just been?". Bad manners. This is giving Anastasia the opportunity to moan on him for going out to dinner with the paedo who knobbed him when he was 15. She is openly calling this dude a paedophile rapist, but Christian ain't having it. "I got exactly what I needed. It was good for me." In these straightened times, it's comforting to know that paedos can call on popular literature to construct their legal defence. She is then going back to his hotel room. The boning they do now is quite lols! I've re-written it a bit so you don't have to hear what Anastasia and her Inner Goddess has to say bout it, but the events are exactly as depicted: ************************************* Christian Grey strips Anastasia naked in his hotel bathroom. He gets down on his knees and peers enquiringly at the loose thatch of her pussy. He makes a small quizzical noise and cocks his head to one side, like a dog having it's temperature taken. Peculiar. There is a thing hanging out of Anastasia's vagina. It looks like a rat's tail. He reaches up cautiously, and tugs on it experimentally. It's stuck. He pulls a bit harder. Suddenly it shifts, and with a slick, squelching noise it pops from her vagina and splats on his forehead, sticking there wetly before slowly, horrifically, sliding down his face and caressing his lips. Ugh. A tampon. Christian tugs it free from his face, and casually flings it across the room, scoring 3 points in the corner wastebasket. "When did you start your period, Anastasia?" "Yesterday." This is a delicate moment. There comes a point in a man's life when he is challenged by circumstance, when fate has presented an opportunity for him to test his manhood, to discover if he is a brave titan or a squeemish and craven mouse. For many men of distant generations these challenges came in times of war. The whistle came and a man stood shoulder to shoulder with his brothers and sought the fortitude to climb the ladders and enter the fray. Christian's time has come now. Can he find the resolve, the strength of spirit to get his pee-pee covered in vaginal blood? He can! He grinds into her, biting his lip and trying desperately to ignore the sticky blood enveloping his manhood. He cries out in anguish, but he drives on, smashing his knob into her period gunk and unfertilised egg detrius. "Arrrrghh!" he comes with a thunder, like a cannon of war. "I'm bleeding," observes Anastasia stupidly. No sh!t.

Cheers Mikey. Most people ejaculated roundabout chapter 8, it's noticeable the only people still here is the perverts and weirdos, patiently waiting on anal. I'm starting to worry to be honest. There's only four chapters left. I'm starting to worry b!tch ain't gonna get bummed!

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 22 Anastasia is really annoyed with Christian Grey. When she got on her plane just now to go visit her mum, she found he'd upgraded her ticket to first class. The bastard! She immediately sends him an email mugging him off, and he replies "Fine. Next time you'll be bound and gagged in the cargo hold." We've already learned b!tch has no sense of humour. She ain't even familiar with the concept. She emails him back, "Are you serious???". Lols. I like to imagine Christian Grey in his business meeting or whatever, face-palming when he gets that one. B!tch is so dumb! It turns out dumb b!tchery is genetic cos Anastasia's mum is every bit as bad. Here are her thoughts on the difference between men and women: "Men think that anything that comes out a woman's mouth is a problem to be solved. Not some vague idea we'd like to kick around and talk about for a while and then forget." There maybe some truth in this. Basically she's saying b!tches like to moan. What she's saying is if a b!tch is moaning bout the milk in the fridge is gone off, she don't want me to get fresh milk. She wants to talk bout spoiled milk for an hour and how annoying it is, and then forget all about it. Till tomorrow when b!tch is amazed to discover milk is still off and we can have the same dumb conversation again. B!tches is mental. There is pages and pages of nothing happening in Georgia. Here is a sample: "I am in my blue halter-neck tankini, sipping a Diet Coke on a sunbed facing the Atlantic Ocean, and to think that only yesterday I was staring out towards the Pacific. My mother lounges beside me wearing a large sun hat and sunglasses. She is also sipping a Coke." Rivetting stuff. Nice product placement too. I think I mentioned before that Christan Grey's first sexual partner was a friend of his mums. We don't know much bout this person, Anastasia has been calling her "Mrs. Robinson", I've been calling him "Mr. Savile". Christian is now emailing that he went out to dinner with him/her last night. B!tch is flipping the fvvck out at this informations, even though she blatantly went out for drinks with Jose last week. Double standards.

Yeah double his wages contribution so Man City tear up his loan contract. Not that I care, I don't reckon he's required quality no more.

I spose the idea is Man City save £10k pw. We call it 'The Adebayor'

That must be a pretty sweet moment for you Rooney! You're a nice guy, I'd of been much more of a cvvnt about it! Oh really you know nothing d!ckheads? 3-5-2 can't be used to nullify wingers is it?

Lols. Savile rogue.

Hi Phil! That was an especially boring chapter so I thought I'd provide some perspective on what Christian Grey is thinking. It's all there in the subtext but it's p!ssing me off how the dumb b!tch ain't picking up on it. It's obvious that every time he fvvcks her he's thinking of his dead crack-whore mum!

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 21 I am Christian Grey. The day gets off to a bad start, I wander into my private bathroom and find the virgin has used MY toothbrush again. This makes me mad! I'm tempted to go to her cell and drag her by the hair and shove it up her dumb vag, but that would be counter-productive. I'm not made of toothbrushes. I go to my private study and get on with some work. I'm a very busy man! I've got a big deal going down in Darfur that I've got to keep on top of. Also I've got to chat to Ros about the prototype. I'm distracted though, I can hear voices from the hall. Oh no, the b!tch is awake! I can hear her chatting to the housekeeper, she's asking where I am. Tell her I'm out, tell her I'm out! I repeat to myself fervently, but the dumb housekeeper don't listen, she tells her I'm in here. Fvvck! Why is there no lock on this door! She comes in my office. I notice instantly she's wearing MY t-shirt! It's all stretched out over her fat gut. It's probably ruined. She's got that look in her eye. They one where she's chatting internally to her Inner Goddess and also her subconscious. I wish the three of them would fvvck off. They're doing my head in! I gesture to the phone, to make it clear that I'm fvvcking busy, but she don't get the hint, she just stands their gawping at me with that dumb, bovine expression on her face. FFS. I finish my call with Ros, and then steel myself for another tedious conversation with the virgin. I ask her why she's bothering me, I'm trying to work. "I just came to say hi before I had a shower." FFS! Can't she see how busy I am? She's now talking about going to Georgia to see her mum. I'm all for this! I offer her my private jet, but her Inner Goddess objects. Either way. As long as she fvvcks off I'm happy. She don't though, even though I'm dropping hints. "I thought you were going to have a shower?" I say. Instead she comes over and tries to kiss on me. Ugh. Morning breath. I flip her over and fvvck her over my desk. Maybe that will shut her up. "Are you sore?" I say, thinking of the sex balls. "Yes", she says. Good. She still don't fvvck off. She's looking at me funny. "What's wrong?" she says. Oh, FFS. I hate it when b!tches start with this! If you ain't flirting on them for five minutes they start getting all weird about it. Do I have to be doting on her the whole fvvcking time? Ain't I allowed any time for myself? "You're being weird," she says. Oh right yeah, I'm the weird one. Not the 21 year old virgin, who's never used a computer. I finally get rid of her and have my house and toothbrush to myself. Barely an hour goes by though and she's emailing me, asking if I'm knobbing my housekeeper. Where did that come from! Is the housekeeper up for it? She's HOT! I'd definitely be up for a go on that!

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 20 Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh is letting slip over dinner that Anastasia went out for drinks with Jose the other night. Christian Grey is a bit p!ssed off bout this. I can see why, I thought it was a bit odd for her to be stepping out with her rapist. He don't have a go at her tho. He's got a better idea, "I'm going to spank you, then I'm going to fvvck you". This is all perfectly reasonable. When I'm annoyed with a b!tch I'm usually shouting on her till she starts crying, which is all very well but I ain't exactly getting much enjoyment from it. The Christian Grey system is much better. He hoists her up over his shoulder (dude must work out!) and carries her down the garden to the boathouse. I'm investigating this is where they keep their boats. He dumps her down. He's out of breath. I'm not surprised. He sticks a finger up her vag and says, "This is mine, all mine." Then he gives her a quick fvvck. He don't even bother spanking her, far as I can tell. Maybe his hand still hurts. It's just a straight missionary fvvck. One thing tho, before he does it he says, "This is for me, not you. Understand? You're not allowed to orgasm." I like this! It's a win-win! If my bonings is sub-standard and she ain't coming I win cos I told her not to and she's doing like I said. If my bonings is awesome and she cums anyway it makes it seem like I can bring her off even when I ain't trying! I'm going to use this tactic all the time in the future. This is for me, you ain't allowed to cum. He then takes her back home to his gaff and he's like "Okay... lets fvvck!" She's like no, I don't want to fvvck. I want to make love. Ugh. Way to spoil the mood virgin. I like to think I'm an open minded guy. I'm always down to fvvck, screw, shaag, bone and roger. I draw the line at making love. What Christian Grey does is walk out the room. When he comes back he's holding two silver balls in his hand. It don't say how big they is. I'm thinking more ping pong than football. He makes her suck his balls (his silver balls) then he makes her bend over and touch her toes. Then he pops them in her vag. I didn't know this is what girls meant by 'making love'! I feel like I've been missing out! Then he says I want a glass of water. Go get me one. I reckon it's lols for him listening to her walk. Clank! Clank! Clank! Then he bends her over and gives her the spanking he owed her from dinner. He's hitting her harder and harder. I think the idea is to see if he can get one of the balls to pop out her mouth, but it don't happen this time. Disappointed, he knobs her. Then he is mentioning, apropos nothing, that Grace Grey ain't his real mum. His real mum was a crack-whore. And she's dead. Meh. Unless those silver balls were your dead mum's eyeballs encased in tin foil, I don't give a fvvck!

You're right bout Homeland shurlock I watch it for lols but it is mostly pretty dumb. I've often heard people saying Louis CK is a sweet show but I've tried to watch it a couple of times and I ain't been feeling the lols. Bearsy's all time top 5 US TV: 1. Freaks and Geeks 2. Curb Your Enthusiasm 3. The Wire 4. Game of Thrones 5. Breaking Bad I can think of loads more! Last 10 years has been golden age for American TV.

True. It's a dull read ain't it?

The Jane Austen one should be lols considering no-one knows what she looked like.

That sound about right. We was making signing a big bucks CB a priority, then it fell through and we had to scrabble round to decide if Yoshida or Dann or Whoever is the better deal. Is that bad though? It sounds kind of reasonable.

Ain't it that Windows already outed Fitzugh when he brought this up yesterday? I don't normally bother much bout this sort of stuff, but I still remember that video bout Cortese and Adkins awkward body language shaking hands at the end of last season. There was definitely some bad blood going down round that time, I reckon.

I have also rated this thread 5 stars! I'm surprised Bletch ain't been on here tho insisting on equalities, calling for lessons featuring muscular dudes in vest tops. In other news, Just Mike has been talking bout making a sticky on this thread.

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 19 B!tch wakes up and finds that dude has nicked her knickers, so to speak. She is completely bemused by this. "Why has he got my panties?" she is asking me stupidly. Unusually, I am able to answer one of her dumb questions. It's cos you stole his boxers back in chapter 10 FFS! She is so dumb! She never figures stuff out for herself! I'm getting proper fed up with doing all the bleeding work all the time. She is using her own brain now investigating the whole mystery of the missing panties. She is reasoning that she can ask for them back. Cleverly she is observing that he will "either say yes or no". Well, duh. She don't do it though, she goes commando. This is lols cos we is learning that today they is going to have dinner with Christian's mum and dad. I am hoping we'll get some lols out of this. Christian's dad can be like sniff sniff I thought we was having duck? How come I smell fish? Over the course of things Anastasia has ate quite a lot of stuff. She's had ham sandwiches and nettles and oysters and also lots of different wines and champagnes and stuff. I'm now noticing that every single thing she puts in her fat gob is "exquisitely delicious". She is having a simple drink of cranberry juice now, it tastes... delicious! What is the chances! I'm investigating that she is what they call an indiscriminate eater. This is a quality more commonly found in pigs, goats and other farmyard animals. They is then heading off to meet his parents or whatever. Anastasia has a momentary panic attack, I'm almost outside... with no panties! Oh shocking. It's another thing she ain't done before. My favourite bit of the book is now happening! Anastasia is thinking bout her Inner Goddess. You know, the dumb, possibly Down's Syndrome alter ego what is always hanging round doing cartwheels or eating strawberry jam or whatever. Anastasia is saying bout her Inner Goddess, "I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think." That's a direct quote homies, and I reckon it sums things up quite nicely! Anastasia Steele: She rarely uses her brain to think. They is now in a taxi. This is their conversation: STEELE: Why did you use a cable tie? GREY: I know they're quite brutal, but I do like it for a restraining device. Very effective at keeping you in your place. What I like bout this is the taxi driver in the front seat thinking... what the fvvck? His mum is called Grace Grey, which is unfortunate. His dad is called Carrick. Also in attendance we have his little sister Mia who is "curvaceous" (i.e. fat) and I'm told Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh will be along in a bit cos she's still knobbing Christian Greys brother, whose name escapes me for the moment. So they all sit down and have some dinner. You may be surprised to learn it's all "delicious". They is having some dinner conversations. First they is talking bout measles. Christian Grey's mum is a doctor and she is going on bout measles like it's aids. "Oh no! That was the hospitals! They have another child with measles! That's four in the last month!". Then they is talking bout Paris. Anastasia ain't ever been but that don't stop her joining in the conversation. The sister then starts talking in French, EL James is saying she doesn't realise she's doing this and gets all confused when everyone is just staring at her dumbly. This sounds like bolllocks to me, people don't start suddenly speaking French without realising they is speaking in French. Anyway, Christian Grey has to tell her in French that she's speaking in French (why couldn't he tell her in fvvcking English?) then she realises what she done and is like oh my bad. This little exchange apparently has the whole table "in stitches". The next topic of dinner conversation is the merits of solar panels in Washington State. It's pretty dry stuff to be honest. Even Anastasia is getting bored, so she starts chatting to her Inner Goddess bout how the serving waitress woman is hotter than her and is seeming to want to knob Christian. She is getting a bit jealous bout it. I don't know if there's anything in it tho, seems to me neither Anastasia nor her Inner Goddess is thinking with their brains.

I dunno how familiar you is with yoyo dalek, but I reckon we'd be more "walking the dog"

I weren't when I started - if I'd known there was gonna be a film I'd never of bothered with the book! One of the key aims of these investigations is to identify methods of talking b!tches into getting bummed. My own practices at the moment is flawed, I've had mixed results. To be honest, it's only when they say they ain't up for it that I become really fixated on it! Maybe I'm sadist. I used to go with this one girl and I was on at her for ages to get some anal, then she finally broke down and admitted that before we met she got raped up the bum and so she don't like to do it no more. I felt pretty bad about that. I mean, that she gave it up for rapist but wouldn't for her actual boyfriend! Fvvcking b!tch! Obviously I dumped her immediately.

Julian's just in a mood cos no-one's wished him happy birthday yet. Happy Birthdays Julians! ...

I reckon The Wire maybe just pips the Breaking Bad in the slow-moving but brilliant writing stakes. I do like the Breaking Bad, but it can sometimes be a bit

Interesting. I ain't homophobic, I really ain't! I love the gays! And you know if the right guy or whatever come along I'd be willing to give it a go. I can see what you're saying tho, I do sometimes make homophobic sounding postings. Also misogynistic sounding postings. I'm only in it for the lols tho, I ain't meaning to be hating on people! I just reckon you can still just about get away with being lols about gays and women and gingers in a way that you absolutely cannot get away with talking bout racisms for example. Not that I want to be lols bout racisms, but it does seem double standards. I feel like I'm digging! Let me know if so and I'll edit the post to make out like my opinions is the exact opposite of whatever bits is fractable!