Secret Site Agent

Do you know what? If saints were an American Football Team, and Rickie Lambert a fat drunking wreck who had thrown away his god given talent when we bought him, and Marcus passing away, Hollywood would make a film about us. A plucky little team, thrown onto the garbage tip of Soccer and with now where left to go but down. Then, thanks to the vision of one man, and a group of mercena.........dedicated players, the team finally made their way to the top. Starring Kevin Spacey, as Rupert Lowe, Bill Nighy as Nigel Adkins, Tom Hardy as Rickie Lambert, Al Percino as Nicola Cortese, Michael Gambon as Marcus Leibherr, Harry Styles as Adam Nivea, Luke Pasqualino as Jose Bigballs, Idris Elba as Guly Del Prado. At the end of this film, you'll all be red and white. They March on, will you? Sorry, early morning and i'm off my medication.

That'll appear on RAWK as: Eh,eh,eh, Dat Simon PEEEEECH just tweetid dat the Chiken FAHKERS ar makin' a bid for Lazio defender Wesley Hoedt asa replasmen fer VV........yer 'erd it 'er firsssssssta.

I can't wait until September the 1 st when, (here's hoping) Coutinho goes and they don't get VVD, for the 'We didn't want him anyway' double posts. Loverly jubbly.

I wouldn't say EVERYONE wants him to stay. We don't, for LOL's. Barcelona don't. They want him to go without a doubt. I would guess Everton don't. Chelsea perhaps don't. The two Manchester clubs? Probably not. Aresenal. Perhaps they don't. WHU,Spurs,West BRom, Boscome? I don't think. The rest, probably don't care.

I just just image it now. 'OK lets take a vote. All those clubs that finished in 6th place or above in the Premier league last season who think this will disadvantage them raised your hands.'

The problem is that being ITK means you are getting information from a source within the club. I was ITK once and my contact we as windy as f as he kept saying it was his livelyhood he was messing wiht and for a while there was a witch hunt going on due to information being passed onto the press. I thought that Unbelievable Jeff and I had the same contact at that stage as the info we had was the same, but was coming from a different source. So I understand the need to be coy and TOM28 hasn't exactly let us down with his insights. That is why I understand the need to be coy with the truth. My mate no longer has links wiht Football talent, he now looks after Powerboat talent.

I am all for getting him on the banner, (I even wanted a statue of him, camera in hand, big smile on his face from our JPT win at SMS), so would appreciate this. He saved us from a fate worst than relegateion and -10 points. He's the reason why when I took my 5 year old daughter to see Saints play before they no longer existed back in 2005, she can still see them now in 2017. I often wonder what life would have been like if he hadn't passed away so soon, but that is then, this is now. MODS, I think this calls for a Poll?

Is your blood group 'B NEGATIVE'?

Here,here. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Fair play. I should have started 'Good Moaning'.

Oh no. According to this kKat is facing a very large tax bull!!!!!Is that when they put you in a rink and release the bull with Dollers on it's back? I just hope Mr Joshing Geosynchronous had better have a lot of Cosh if we are to investiture and hopefully keep Virgil Van Dyke, rather than sell him to Liverspots. :lol: So whose going to leave the baord now?

Read it again. It's Gao that's bought the stake, not Lander.

Here, here, heart ruling head

All Liverpool do is copy us. First they want our players Then they deny their player is for sale NOW he's handed in a transfer requiest. All we need now is a statement from Coutinho in the press, and him to be training along. It's like ****ing groundhog day. I just hope against hope he goes whilst VVD stays here. Quality Comedy Gold.

I'm up in Liverpool today and just popped into the Sandon for a bite to eat. Ive just been listening to two scousers at the bar arguing: Scouse 1: 'Well I reckon the club should let him go, he wants the move, he's put in a transfer request, he's got a mystery illness stopping him from playing. It's fing wrong that the manager and the club wont let him go.' Scouse 2: 'Nah, your wrong, kid. He should stay and honour his contract. The club are right to keep him, he has only just signed and contract, has years to go still, and should fing STAY'. Scouse 1: 'Don't be a nob. How can you force a player to stay when he is looking to move away to a bigger and better club.' Scouse 2: 'Thats ******. Why should the team be weakened just to please a selfish tossbag.' After 5 minutes of this back and forth and they getting angrier and squaring up for a punch up, I had a word with the barman. Barman: Oi, what are you two arguing about? Van Dijk or Coutinho? Both of the scousers looked at him and said, simultaneously, 'Don't rightly know'

I thank you too.

Thanks for all the support. Those that know me know that I try and inject some humour and try to keep us grounded, and I do a lot of satires. So go down well, some not so.Don't mind, my humour is not to everyone taste, and some jokes don't ht the mark. Fair enough. Remember, it is so easy to destroy, so difficult to create. Anyone can say something is crap, but they never say 'here's a better one'. I won't stop, I've never been warned for doing one, and never banned for doing one.So i'll continue.

Yeh, thanks for that.

Nothing at the moment, but one does hope for the future.

Wow, I never thought I would have this sort of impact. Is it because of this It is with regret that I can confirm that I have today handed in a transfer request to leave Saintsweb. "Unfortunately I feel I have no alternative after I was given notice of the Secret Site Agents intention to impose a Satire against Virgil Van Dijk and his agent of a waste of time equivalent to 2 weeks online. I will be appealing what I feel to be an unjustified sanction to Steve Grant and the MODS and their inability to follow the correct posting protocol in due course. "Over the past six months I have held numerous posts with posters of the board, to inform them all of my desire to leave the board in search of a new challenge. "I am incredibly ambitious and want to achieve as much as I possibly can to fulfil my potential in what is a very short career as a poster of messageboards. I want to post for a European football team again and enjoy the challenge for major honours and as such I would like Saintsweb to consider the interest in me from top clubs Boards should it still exist. "I have been left frustrated by the Moderators position that I am required to read this drivel and am disappointed that enquiries from multiple top clubs message boards have been consistently rebuffed. "The period of time that I have just spent thios summer without seeing Saints play has put a number of things into perspective and made me realise just how important it is to take major opportunities should they arise. "I have consistently relayed my feelings to Moderators at Saintsweb in what I believed to be private and personal posts. Disappointingly, these conversations have regularly found their way into the main board.. "Following this conversation Steve Grant explained that he only wanted posters who he felt were 100% committed to Saintsweb and told me I would therefore have to post away from the main board. Perhaps in nthe lounge or Muppet Show. "As a proud posterl I am insulted by the suggestion that it was me who refused to post positively and so feel it is important to point out the true version of events." :lol:

SATIRE: the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. synonyms: mockery, ridicule, derision, scorn, caricature a play, novel, film, or other work which uses satire. Satirist: a writer or user of satire. Satirist: Secret Site Agent Humourless: having no humour

Now there is a sense of Irony!

Well, I tried. Thanks a bunch. Just trying to lighten the mood. Let's go back to whinging and moaning. Thanks to Heisenberg though. at least he hasn't had a sense of humor bypass.

Below we have an extract of a conversation heard at Staplewood training ground today by a 'source'. Virgil Van Dijk: Hi Itsh Virgil here. Wassermans Agent for Netherland Key European Representatives: Virgil baby. How is you? Fine I hope.hehehhe..we have big plans for you, Loads of money. VVD: Yesh, itsh about this letter I have sent. W.A.N.K.E.R. :Yes, you did well there. Saints will have to sell you now to Liverpool. You really told them. VVD:Umm,when did I write it? W.A.N.K.E.R. : We wrote it yesterday. VVD:What, me and you? W.A.N.K.E.R. : No us.......I mean yes, me and you and some other blokes, you know the others that come ith me, the PR team, the lawyers, the media guys, Mr klopp, The Liverpool boys, The Liverpool echo. You know. Your team. VVD:Yes, I don’t think some of it is true though? W.A.N.K.E.R. : Of course it is, you told us, so we.......you wrote it.We helped of course, but it’s defiantly you. Yep, it’s all true. VVD:When did I tell you this? W.A.N.K.E.R. : Well,I dunno, yesterday, last week, never.......what does it matter, saints are going to sell you to Liverpool. VVD: Well, Les said, and the board seemed to follow him up that I won’t be sold to Liverpool. W.A.N.K.E.R. : Yes you will, Kloppy told me. VVD: But he said the Liverpool board won’t do it in case they get investigated for tapping up again. W.A.N.K.E.R. : Ahhh, thats ********. Let me ask you. Have Liverpool ever tapped up a player and been caught out? VVD: Well, there’s that thing about the Stoke apprentice and....... W.A.N.K.E.R. : Virgil, Virgil, Virgil. Let me put it another way. When did the Liverpool board ever do anything against the wishes of Klippity Klopp? VVD: Well, they are going to sell Coutinho........... W.A.N.K.E.R. : Ahhhh, Vigil. Don’t worry about that. There other teams interested. VVD:Like who? W.A.N.K.E.R : Top teams. VVD:What top Teams? W.A.N.K.E.R. : TOP!TEAMS!....Now I’ve got to go, i’ve got to try and convince Steven Gerrard, Robbie Keane and, Jamie Carragher to have a candlelit vigil for you. By the way Stevie G was wondering if you had Ryan Bertrand mobile number as.......er.......he wants to.....er....catch up on a conversation they had when they are on England duty. About......ummm.......Nivia cream.....yes that’ll do it..... VVD: Lishen, i’ll text it over. Mauricio Pellegrino: Heya, Vigila. You a reallya fuk it all uppa now. Anyway, the boysa all havina a cuppa tea. Woulda you likea a cupa tea? VVD: well, bosh. When I was injured I realised that a footballer only has a short career and a short number of cups of tea and I need to be somewhere where they serve tea in mugs with big red crests on them and ‘you’ll never walk alone’ written on the top. MP: Wella, I wonta have a player whosea head isn’t inna a cup of tea, so youlla have to go a and drink a youra tea with Class 9 ata St. Marys Primary schoola. VVD: OK. Have you had any phone calls from.......well.....other teams....you know....about.....maybe me? MP: Yes I hada call froma José Mourinho, Pep Guardiola, Antonio Conte, Zinedine Zidane and Luciano Spalletti . They alla aska mea the same question. VVD:Really. Whats did they say? MP: They alla saya to me, theya say, Thata Virgil Van Dijk ofa yours. Why is he such a ****.

I think we should maintain a dignified silence on the matter. We are better than this