Whitey Grandad

Nice. At the moment they are bestitute.

No, despite the rumours I am not married to Michael Caine. Anyway, that was the Zulu wars.

There is supposed to be a strict balance of coverage. Sticking a couple of figureheads on a freak show for a couple of hours is not rational debate.

But those votes are swayed by one appearance on the TV. Sad but true.

He's a footballer. What do you expect?

I'm not a fan of those. We're supposed to be picking someone who can run the country, not someone who comes across well on TV. These debates are one of the reasons that we ended up with Nick Clegg and all his cronies.

It's always important to remember where we came from and the impact that our recent past has had on our community. The Boer War is not that far back, my wife's grandfather was a cavalryman in it!

That Sterling certainly knows his football.

1966 wasn't too bad

Those with the river card also have to suffer a view of Portsmouth. Life can be a bîtch sometimes.

The next one leaves in the morning... I'll get me coat.

When I was a kid I. The 50s they were just stones in a field. You could climb over the fence and be the only person there. I've climbed all over the stones but always treated them with respect. There is something special about the place but it's spoiled by all the visitors.

Good. Less chance of injuries

There is never a shortage of candidates.

I saw a notice in a toilet in Scotland somewhere, probably Kirkwall. It went something like: Gentlemen: If you stand closer to the urinal it might improve your aim. Ladies: please remain seated for the entire performance.

Exactly. Even when standing over the toilet pan most men manage to miss it.

How is the bilharzia these days?

They'll have to change their name from 'Portsmouth Football Club' to 'Portsmouth Mothball Club'.

Which match? Not this one, surely.

...and immediately stop scoring.

Suits me, as long as I don't have to hear about either of them ever again.

It should get you free parking at St Mary's

I assume that's in reverse order?

It drives me up the f****king wall.

Are you saying... 'Some of my best friends are Tories'?