badgerx16 Posted 26 March, 2022 Share Posted 26 March, 2022 A guy is walking down the street in Minsk, the capital of Belarus very close to the protests when suddenly a police car full of cops pulls up. The cops jump out of the car and start beating up the guy. The poor guy then yells: "No, please, stop! I voted for Lukashenko!" One of the cops then responds: "Shut up, liar! No one voted for Lukashenko!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 26 March, 2022 Share Posted 26 March, 2022 (edited) Vladimir Putin shows up in one of the Moscow's primary schools. After the welcoming ceremony there is some time for the students to ask the President a few questions Little Sasha stands up and says: I only have 2 questions: 1. Why did Russia take over the Crimea? 2. What are Russian soldiers doing in Ukraine? Before Putin was able to say anything the bell suddenly rang, and all the students went for a break. After the break, when everyone was back, a different student stood up and said: Dear Mr President, I have only four questions: 1. Why did Russia take over the Crimea? 2. What are Russian soldiers doing in Ukraine? 3. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes early? 4. Where is Sasha? Edited 26 March, 2022 by badgerx16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 30 March, 2022 Author Share Posted 30 March, 2022 I've just bought my wife a beautiful slinky dress. She looks amazing going down the stairs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klaus Schwab Posted 17 April, 2022 Share Posted 17 April, 2022 Just back from the zoo. Saw a baguette in one of the cages looking a little bit worse for wear. I asked the zoo keeper about it and he told me not to worry, it was bread in captivity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cloggy saint Posted 19 April, 2022 Share Posted 19 April, 2022 I also went to the zoo recently and all they had was one dog. It was a shih tzu. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 19 April, 2022 Share Posted 19 April, 2022 Why does Batman's mask not cover his entire face ? He needs to show the Police that he is white. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamesaint Posted 23 April, 2022 Share Posted 23 April, 2022 Is it true that now that Scunthorpe have been relegated from the Football League the only 2 teams whose names contain swear words are Arsenal and Fucking Leeds United? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 23 April, 2022 Share Posted 23 April, 2022 5 minutes ago, Tamesaint said: Is it true that now that Scunthorpe have been relegated from the Football League the only 2 teams whose names contain swear words are Arsenal and Fucking Leeds United? You forgot Portsmouth. ( I will now go and sanitise my keyboard ). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDunko Posted 11 May, 2022 Share Posted 11 May, 2022 After my wife left I started drinking and taking drugs. I spiraled into meaningless unprotected sex with multiple prostitutes. I thinks she's going to be mad at me when she gets back from Asda. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 22 May, 2022 Share Posted 22 May, 2022 A millionaire, a worker, and an immigrant are sitting at a table with 1000 biscuits. The millionaire takes 999 biscuits and then says to the worker "Watch out, that immigrant is after your biscuit". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 22 May, 2022 Share Posted 22 May, 2022 2 minutes ago, badgerx16 said: A millionaire, a worker, and an immigrant are sitting at a table with 1000 biscuits. The millionaire takes 999 biscuits and then says to the worker "Watch out, that immigrant is after your biscuit". Bloody big table Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 22 May, 2022 Share Posted 22 May, 2022 (edited) 3 minutes ago, trousers said: Bloody big table They borrowed it from Vladimir Putin Edited 22 May, 2022 by badgerx16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 23 May, 2022 Author Share Posted 23 May, 2022 I heard the bricklayers outside my house arguing about who had forgotten to put the tools in the van. There was a lot of finger pointing. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 4 June, 2022 Share Posted 4 June, 2022 Which will look the best on my resume? "Single-handedly analysed and diagnosed the cause of a potentially fatal compromised visibility situation, identified the optimum solution and managed the successful relaunch, upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents"OR I changed a light bulb without falling off the step ladder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 5 July, 2022 Share Posted 5 July, 2022 (edited) An African American with a stutter narrowly avoided a lynching in Mississippi after asking directions to the nearest "K-K-KFC". Edited 5 July, 2022 by badgerx16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 23 July, 2022 Share Posted 23 July, 2022 Head and Shoulders are thinking of marketing a new lower body wash. It will be called Knees and Toes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 26 July, 2022 Author Share Posted 26 July, 2022 "Chin up son" my Dad always used to say to me. Great bloke, terrible boxing coach. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 27 July, 2022 Share Posted 27 July, 2022 A midget pschic escaped from Police custody. They put out a radio message "There's a small medium at large". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 28 July, 2022 Author Share Posted 28 July, 2022 My Dad would always go that extra mile for everyone. Great bloke, terrible taxi driver. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 28 July, 2022 Share Posted 28 July, 2022 What is the worst thing to hear in a nuclear laboratory ? "Ooops !" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 5 August, 2022 Author Share Posted 5 August, 2022 A fellah at work just asked if I wanted some free booze. 'Yeah, brilliant cheers mate, don't mind if I do' I said. So he walked behind me and went 'BOO BOO BOO!!! No charge mate.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 6 August, 2022 Share Posted 6 August, 2022 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 11 August, 2022 Share Posted 11 August, 2022 Is it OK for a vegan girl to give a blow job as long as she doesn't swallow ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 17 August, 2022 Share Posted 17 August, 2022 What does Winnie the Pooh have in common with Alexander the Great ? The same middle name. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 18 August, 2022 Share Posted 18 August, 2022 Why did the penguin take his HGV test ? Because he wanted to drive antarcticulated lorries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDunko Posted 21 August, 2022 Share Posted 21 August, 2022 I went to my doctors for a check-up the other day. He told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked; Why? He said the other people in the waiting room were complaining. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cloggy saint Posted 24 August, 2022 Share Posted 24 August, 2022 What do monkeys and chainsaws have in common? They both fuck up trees. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 15 September, 2022 Author Share Posted 15 September, 2022 I can't stand people who think they're worse off that other people. A good friend of mine had a really bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? No. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cloggy saint Posted 21 September, 2022 Share Posted 21 September, 2022 I've recently been dating a couple of anorexic girls. Two birds, one stone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skintsaint Posted 15 October, 2022 Share Posted 15 October, 2022 RIP Robbie Coltrane and condolences to the pall bearers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 1 November, 2022 Share Posted 1 November, 2022 What did the elepnant say to the naked man ? "Impressive, but can you pick up peanuts with it ?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ecuk268 Posted 23 November, 2022 Share Posted 23 November, 2022 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 12 January, 2023 Share Posted 12 January, 2023 If Chris Kamara looks at himself in the back of a spoon, does he look normal ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickles Posted 12 January, 2023 Share Posted 12 January, 2023 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 3 February, 2023 Share Posted 3 February, 2023 A man was arrested after Police found 2 crows in a cage in his house. He has been charged with attempted murder. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 8 February, 2023 Author Share Posted 8 February, 2023 My dyslexic club had a day out to visit a Maritime Museum. Half of us loved it, the other half hated it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 17 February, 2023 Author Share Posted 17 February, 2023 Just had to call our IS dept 'cos my laptop was acting up. They asked "Have you tried disabling cookies?" So I said "Well I bit the legs off a gingerbread man once...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 21 February, 2023 Share Posted 21 February, 2023 ( Unashamedly nicked from Richard Osman ); If Champion the Wonder Horse had been female, would she have been a Western Super Mare ? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 22 February, 2023 Author Share Posted 22 February, 2023 Bit of sad local news as the circus we were going to see tonight has had to temporarily close following the freak death of the human cannonball. A spokesman for the circus has paid tribute to the poor guy saying they'll never see an act of his calibre again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 27 February, 2023 Author Share Posted 27 February, 2023 The hardest part about making skimmed milk is throwing the cow across the lake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southner Posted 1 March, 2023 Share Posted 1 March, 2023 Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the paracetamol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 14 March, 2023 Author Share Posted 14 March, 2023 Pfffff, my missus says I can't multitask!! Well, I'm writing this joke and driving at the sa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 20 March, 2023 Share Posted 20 March, 2023 The French baker may have cremated the baguette, but he did it with panache. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 8 April, 2023 Share Posted 8 April, 2023 Was Moses the first person to download from a cloud onto a tablet ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 19 April, 2023 Author Share Posted 19 April, 2023 Be careful out there everyone! Apparently there's a group of old men going about, pinning people to the ground and repairing their shoes. Sounds like a load of old cobblers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDunko Posted 20 April, 2023 Share Posted 20 April, 2023 Blind prostitutes: You really have to hand it to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SotonianWill Posted 28 April, 2023 Share Posted 28 April, 2023 What’s a skates favourite part of Southampton? Thornhill (Fournill) get it? okay. off to bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 3 May, 2023 Author Share Posted 3 May, 2023 I bought a new fish for our ornamental fish pond from a Scottish carp breeder. It's the real McKoi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 10 May, 2023 Share Posted 10 May, 2023 Did the Romans use SPQR codes ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 16 May, 2023 Author Share Posted 16 May, 2023 The local cricket club is crowdfunding for a new building project. Apparently they need a pavilion. That sounds like a ridiculously unimaginable amount of money to me... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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