Jump to content

TSM Crap Joke Suppository....


Redbul

Recommended Posts

  • 4 weeks later...
  • 5 weeks later...

A grieving husband goes into a Yorkshire funeral parlour to arrange the funeral of his beloved wife. When asked what he would like on her gravestone he said I would like to keep it simple. I would like her name at the top. Her date of birth and death in the middle and at the bottom I would like "She was thine." Very good said the director, pop in next week and you can check that the headstone is as you wish.

The next week he goes back to inspect the work. The name was correct as was the date of her birth and death, but the bottom line read "She was thin."

The husband pointed out the mistake and that an "e" was missing. The Director apologised profusely and promised to rectify the error by the day of the funeral.

The day of the funeral came but the husband was devastated to see that the headstone now said "E, she was thin,"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he was reading her a bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek then his again.

Finally, she spoke up.

Granddad, did God make you

Yes sweetheart, he answered, God made me a long time ago.

Oh, she paused. Granddad, did God make me too?

Yes indeed sweetheart, he said. God made you a little while ago.

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed.

God’s getting better at it isn’t he.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My mate dropped round for a drink with me and my girlfriend. There was a lot of flirting, and when she went to the kitchen I followed her out.

 

"Could you cope with two guys in a bed?" I asked.

 

"Too right I could," she grinned.

 

"Great!" I said. "Here's twenty quid, go to the pub and I'll phone you when we've finished."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada.

He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner.

He had tribal
gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

“Who’s he?” said the foreigner

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”

So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English
football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup
Final?”

“Liverpool,”
replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat

“Leeds,” was
the reply.

“And the
score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the
winning goal?”

“Ian St.
John,” was the old man’s reply.

The Englishman was knocked
out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went
back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man.

Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was
the old Indian only this time he was older and more
wrinkled.

Because he was
so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in
his native tongue.

He approached him with the
greeting - “How”.

The Memory man replied,

“Diving header in the six yard box"!!

Edited by John Boy Saint
poor pasting
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the

night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his

stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls

himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the

door and falls flat on his face "Shoite, Shoite !"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to

the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and

shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep

breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the

sidewalk and falls flat on his face again. "Bi'Jesus. I'm fookin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls

himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes look up the stairs, which look a daunting prospect however, he rests

a bit and manages to crawl up to reach his bedroom door. He slumbers into the

room and again falls flat on his face, before finally clawing his way into bed.

 

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of

coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was fookin ****ed"..... But how did you know?'

"Mick phoned ....... You left your wheelchair at the pub....."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Late in the night, Jack finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, agonizing in pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in every arm, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and yet a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say,

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Late in the night, Jack finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, agonizing in pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in every arm, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and yet a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say,

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

 

Jack was clearly not a migrant then otherwise he would have grabbed them regardless. ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your

willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance

compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy

that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how

many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your

wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a

nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one

before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might

be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

 

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken

with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I was chatting to a bird in a club....

 

She whispered,

"Do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny like a Polo."

I said, "Oh yes, absolutely."

 

When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped.

 

She said, "Surprised?"

I said, "Totally, I thought you meant the mint not the fuking car."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

The wife called me whilst I was at work yesterday lunchtime and said she had terrible stomach pains.

 

"Well, what have you had to eat today?" I asked her.

 

"A few slices of toast, 3 sausage rolls, 2 bags of crisps, a large portion of chips and cheese, lasagne, 2 slices of birthday cake, a Mars bar and a chocolate flapjack", she told me.

 

"That's it, then" I said "you're probably hungry".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...