Secret Site Agent

Pardew goes upto the door and Knocks. 'Come-a in.'. Pardew walk's into Nic's office. 'Youn wanted to see me, Mr Cotezone.' 'That is a right, Al-a-an. I wish to discuss the future.' 'Yes, no problem. I think it'll be really great. We'll all be wearing these silver suits, and have flying cars. And we'll all live on the moon.' 'No,no, no. I wish to a discuss your a future. 'ere at the club!' 'Oh, ok, Mr Countrywide. What is it you want to discuss.' 'this season I am ****ed off. We are still in this league and I just want to give Marcus a penis.' 'Ere, I'm not the sort to partake of those sort of back door shananigans. You want that manager down the other side of the M27.' 'What is wrong with giving someone a penis? We all like a penis. My mother, My Father, the local priest. They all like a penis. Now you have given the fans a lot of a penis with the paint trophy.' ' No i haven't. I told you............oh, you mean Happiness!!!!' 'What you think I mean?' 'Sorry my Courtroom'. 'Yes. I want to give everyone 'appiness. I not 'appy we still in league one. So don't let it happen again.' 'Sorry Mr Coughtintheact.' 'Yes, well next season we want out.This league no good. We want to rub shoulders with a better class of scum and villany. Like them down the road.' 'Can I have some money please?' 'What you wan' money for? I bought you an ice cream earlier.' 'I would like to buy a player' 'BUY A PLAYER? BUY A PLAYER?' 'I could always, you know, delay paying for him for a while if money is a little.....' 'BUY A PLAYER?' Nic rustles around in his pocket, 'Here. Here's a few quid... there's about fifteen million there. Go and buy a few players. And make sure you keep the receipts' 'Loverly jubbly. HAve you got any players in mind?' 'Yes, get that Sim one Jako from the Gillinanians. No, i'll tell you what! Have a look in the paper and see who the players of the season are for all the other teams and buy them. 'ere. Have a look in this old copy of the Brighton Argus first.' 'Loverly Jubberly Mr Coughsandsneezes.' 'I keep telling you. Courteze, COURTEZE' 'And who does he play for, Mr Courtnet?'

Every time my daughter and I pass the Statue we both say, 'Give Ted a wave'. And we do. I have an IQ of 157 you know. Do you think I should be retested?

My wife asked me if I ever had an affair/was unfaithful with Legod Third Coming. I laughed and said no, i'm not going to Celtic either.

I have to be honest, it seems the right thing. After all on Thursday the 6th May a collegue and I attended and award function for a job, and shared an award,(A Silver)which was nice. But as our Associated Director, the rotter, wanted us to win a gold, he didn't come. He stayed away to show us that he was upset. 'Hey, ' I said to my Collegue, ' Old Shadwell aint come because he's upset with us not winning the gold award, just a poxy silver!!!!' 'You silly runt,' said my collegue, 'Who do you think that is over there, cheering and clapping like a whirling durvish.' 'Yeh, but the MD hasn't come, has he?' I said in reproach. 'I'm sure he would have loved to come if he hadn't been stuck in friggin Scotland looking at that Flood defence jobbie in Paisley. Why, his ticket went to someone else'. 'Oh,' said I.'There seems to be a country mile behind the truth and perception.' Sorry to ramble on, but I cannot see Marcus not coming because we never made the play-offs after the way he bahaved at the JPT. Imagine the praise he would have got if HE had walked around the pitch. TBH I think it is just mindless junk throwned into the mix by speculative journos who like a bit of scandal and, as we know, their mantra is that if there isn't any scandal, invent some. And may I apologise in advance, but if Marcus DID do a walk around the pitch,or if he ever does in the future, there isn't a steward or officer of the law that would have stopped me from running onto the pitch and giving Marcus and big, slobbery wet kiss right on his forehead. There isn't a court in this country that would convict me, (Just like the management of Pompey).

I concurr, lets grab jako now. HCDAJFU and then some, and good cover for Lambo, and we can rest him as well.

I think we have the theme for our last home game: Swedish Hero

As he is 31, why not sign for us now and get us into the CCC? Would be a good move, I feel, he can play for the club he loves, become a legend in his own right, and I am sure we can make sure he is financially well recompensed.

Has he even signed yet?????

And I recon that Alan Pardew has a big statue of Batty Boo in the hallway as a phone stand. Oh, sorry Alp I thought this post was about making inane statements that have nothing to do with the original post, the same as you. I though the question was where do you , not let all say we are going to beat all comers. Answer the question: Where do YOU expect/hope we finish? come on, i must press you? Why don't you answer the question? The good people need an answer?

don't panic don't panic

I'm sorry, i though you said 'Pompey are SHI'ITE'

There is no truth in the rumour that the new owners are Iraqi

Thats right. There's 4 at the back 5 in the middle and 3 up front, with the Ref

I feel such a fool What a w hanker I am

****, sorry everyone, got to blame BBC Iplayer this morning on the Wiii and me listening to it in the kitchen whilst making my sandwhiches. Posted in panic.

Whatching the League Show last night to see the goal, and Hudders may get a -3 penalty for fielding Gary Liddle against Brighton on Easter Monday? You got to be shi tting me. Where did that come from? Someone somewhere WANTS us to either: a) Go up this season, and laugh about it. b) Almost get within a gnats chuff of going up this season. And laugh about it.

How about waving Toblerones? Or Cheese?

Big Fish, Little Fish, Big Fish, Little Fish, Marge Simpson, Push the trolley!!!!

Why do people on here LOVE (love, love) to moan about the indiferent and content Why cant people just accept that everyone is different and everyone has different views, opinions and expectations. GIANT Yawn

Not clergy related but we had an Estimator at work called Hugh My(ock, and his son was called Paul. No Ball locks

My guess is that he used it and the barrel heated up and he didn't cool it down. This caused the mortar round to cook off in the barrel

No, we're the NEW saints, we have thrown off the hoodoo of the past.

Can't be bothered to troll through but.... The first Burger Joint, (not including Wimpeys) was called Huckleberries

Ahhh, the Army act 1955, what a throw back to the 'good old days'. Always remember the poor bastard sapper reported to me for being in debt 'in contravention of the Army act.' Went before the big chair and got fined 28 days pay, and I got a bollocking for alllowing him to get that way. His missus left him and he had no family to look after his kids, so he was having to pay a child minder. Most offences though are there for maintaining descipline, as without it in combat it leads to people dying. An order given HAS to be followed. Weapons must be cleaned regularly, kit maintained, feet inspected, it goes on, and has to be done. 'Thems the rules, boy, and if'n you don't follow em,you might as well sew you'm into yon maggot an' wait for the ost ta' take yo'm 'ome' as my old OC, Major 'Tash used to say. The day we lost Crown Immunity was the day the flood gates opened to the PC brigade. Soon it'll be against your 'Uman Rights' to be forced to go to a combat zone.

Adam Hills did some good one legged jokes when I saw him in Birmingham, then told the heckling c unt in the front row who shouted at him,' how would you like it if you only had one leg?', 'I have, mate. How do you feel having a go at the disabled? Your one sick ****er, picking on a disabled one legged man.'