It's Saturday in the Boardroom...

[Channon's Sideburns]

Before kick off, parties from both clubs will likely convene in the boardroom for some nibbles, maybe a meal, and a few drinks.

 

Oh to be a fly on the wall.

 

So then guys and gals, how do we think the conversation will go between our very own Nicola Cortese and in the other corner... Del Bo...sorry Peter Storrie???

 

I reckon something like this.

 

PS - 'Cor Blimey Nic, it's a fine gaff you've got here - got rid of the Train Picture I see'

 

NC - 'Yes Peter, we run a tight ship, you know, no complications'

 

PS - 'I'd love the standard of Fratton Park to be like this one day'

 

NC - 'Well Peter you'd better start by making it look better than Staplewood first...'

 

---

 

NC - 'Peter, can I please introduce you to our owner, Mr Markus Liebherr'

 

PS - 'Ello Markus, got a new motor?? Here's our owner..Suli..Al...Balram....where's he gone?'

 

---

 

 

Carry on chaps..;-)

[double1]

PS - Sorry Nic I gotta spend a penny ....... errrrrr any chance of a loan?

[Channon's Sideburns]

NC - 'Peter, the Liebherr family do not believe in debt'

 

PS - 'What not even a penny? I can pay you two farthings now, with the rest on instalments - I'll pay you the rest when I get paid'

 

NC - 'Peter, Peter.....we both know that's not going to happen'

[saintjay77]

PS - There could be a Giant killing on the cards here today.

 

NC - No I doubt it, your boys have got no chance.

 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

PS - We are in the prem dont you know

 

NC - We have got no debts and are not due in court next week, now F off back to the pig sty down the road you pikey tawt

 

-------------------------------------------

 

NC - Peter tella) Storie, there was no need to pop into bookers to bring the guys lunch today. We can afford to lay a lunch on for all of you and give you a nice day out. Save it for next friday and it will save you a few quid at the courts.

 

-------------------------------------------

 

PS - Good morning NC, I would like to introduce you to our owner but he doesnt exsist so I have brought along our potential newest owners. Have you met Mr Fialka and MR Lynham?

[norwaysaint]

Superb humour!

[eurosaint]

NC - How did your club get into such an horrendous mess ?

PS - It's f*ck all to do with me mate, I only work there !

[St Landrew]

PS - Why did you take down the nice train picture..?

 

NC - The previous owner took it down. It had served its purpose anyhow, and it left a gap for new trophies, which we're about to fill. It inspired us to improve on out training facilities, and we've decided to build a train station behind St Marys. Besides, I think the fans wanted to run the previous owner out on that convenient rail.

[Channon's Sideburns]

PS - Great idea to drop a sponsor next season Nicola..

 

NC - Thank you Peter, all the good ethical clubs do it. It's also because of the 125 years.

 

PS - Don't think we'll last another 125 days....still, thats another 4 paydays for me.

 

NC - I think in that timescale Peter, you'll probably get 2.

[double1]

PS - Don't suppose there's any jobs going here Nicola me old mate?

 

NC - Well we do have a part time vacancy on saturday afternoon Pete disinfecting 4200 seats

[RedAndWhite91]

NC "It seems somebody has dipped their hands into the charity tin and stolen our donation to the local cancer trust"

 

PS "It wasn't me guv, honest. I had nuffink to do with it moosh. See wot 'appened woz I put me money in but then the bucket it fell on the floor and I picked it up and then put it back then two Arab mateys came along and nicked the lot. The lot I tell ya! It was their fault, not mine. I had nothing to do with it, I didn't even put any money in the pot. I didn't even do nuffink, and that's what I told the court an all moosh. Nuffink at all. All that aside, you couldn't lend us a fiver could you Nic me old pal?"

[Saint_clark]

Storrie, Chainrai, Gaydamak, Al Faraj and Al Fahim all sat at the table waiting for their hosts to arrive.

They hear a faint rumble, and look around nervously.

The rumble get's louder until the room starts to shake, knocking their brown paper bags over.

All of a sudden the wall opposite them caves in, and through it comes a German Panzer Tank, with Markus Liebherr poking out the top, a German helmet perched precariously on his big bald head.

"Sieg heill", he cries, before unloading 6 or 7 shells into them and backing out to watch the game.

[Rory]

PS: "oh hai Nicola"

NC: "lol"

PS: "wut?"

NC: "lmfao @ u"

 

ML: "Nicola?"

NC: "Papa?"

[torsaint]

I wouldnt be suprised if they ask ML to buy them.

 

Or BOGOF ( Players that is).

[Channon's Sideburns]

NC - 'Peter, we have some special guests with us today, I'll introduce you to them, you have a common interest'

 

PS - 'Lovely Nicola, I like networking'

 

NC - 'Gentlemen, may I introduce to you the chanc...sorry CEO of Portsmouth FC, Peter Storrie......'

 

PS - 'Hello chaps, great day for it - lovely bit of grub 'ere too'

 

*munches on chicken wings*

 

NC - 'Peter, this is Godfrey Johnson and Derek Fowler, Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs.....'

 

PS - 'Hummmpphhhhhhhhh' *chokes the chicken*

[Saint Keith]

****ing magic, all of them. top lol

[RedAndWhite91]

NC "Mr. Grant, it's a pleasure to meet a manager of your reputation. Here at Southampton we try to cater for every opposition manager's needs. Through that door you will find three Thai prostitutes, all pretending to be masseurs. Enjoy it Misser Avram, they love you long time."

[double1]

PS - Heyyy Derek, Godfrey sooo errr nice to errr see you again (gulp !). Did you pass my regards to Harry and Milan today? So looking forward to spending time with them

[Danish Saint]

NC "Mr. Grant, it's a pleasure to meet a manager of your reputation. Here at Southampton we try to cater for every opposition manager's needs. Through that door you will find three Thai prostitutes, all pretending to be masseurs. Enjoy it Misser Avram, they love you long time."

 

This is excatly why there needs to be a warning not to drink coffee while reading posts on this message board!

[Wopper]

Storrie - Hey Marcus do you know who bombed my granny?

 

Marcus- Vot ees your name?

[double1]

PS - Hey Saint Nic what you getting me for christmas?

 

NC - Something apt I thought a historrie book

 

Avram Grant - and me what are you getting me?

 

NC - a nice Thai

[RedAndWhite91]

All jokes aside, Liebherr was not a Nazi. He was born 2 years after the War finished. You just sound like Skates saying things like that.

 

Right, back to it.

 

PS "Nic me old mucker, with all your business expertise, how do you reckon this whole HMRC thing will last?"

 

NC "How long is a piece of rope..."

 

PS "Dunno moosh"

 

NC "Neither do I, but you'll need some when you use the prison showers. Moosh."

[SFC Forever]

Brilliant chaps

[St Marco]

NC - Good afternoon Peter, nice to see you at St Marys. Please allow me to introduce to you Biff and Bam, they will be your guides today. Just to make sure nothing goes, er missing while your here.....

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

PS - It is nice to meet you Markus, you are a better host then the last guy in charge that is for sure.

 

ML - Thank you Peter. This will be my 1st experience of this whole "Pompey" thing. I am quite excited. I imagine what i hear about you lot is down to someones vivid imagination.

 

PS - Er yeah something like that.....

 

ML - Hang on a second! Who is that fellow wearing the blue hat? What is he doing to that chair?! Dear god, security!! security!! Escort that blue hat wearing mother ****er out and make sure he gets to know 1st hand how far the drop from the Itchen bridge is!!

 

PS - So me putting your name down yesterday in court as our potential new owner was a bit premature then?......

[double1]

PS - I'm thinking of opening a new shop where everything costs the same. Maybe call it 60millionpoundland

 

NC - Really? I heard you were doing something along the lines of the christmas shop but only trading for 8 days

[Smirking_Saint]

NC - And peter i would like to introduce you to our esteemed manager

 

AP - I was at West Ham don't you know ?? Minutes from an FA Cup too !

 

NC (hand on head) - Oh god not again

[Wes Tender]

Storrie:-

Nicola, we have come up with a brilliant plan to sell our club. We are having carboard facsimile models made of Fratton Park. These we will sell through the Pound Shop in Commercial Road. When they are taken home and investigated more thoroughly, the purchasers will find a notice printed on the base informing them that they have just bought the club for £1, but that they have also purchased £60 million of debt with it. On the plus side, they are co-owners with anybody else who bought one.

[Wiltshire Saint]

NC is stood facing a member of the Saints backroom staff. PS enters the room, looks about keenly and spots NC. He heads straight over to him.

 

PS - Nicola! Hello again!

 

NC - Hello!

 

PS - How are you today?

 

NC - I'm good thanks. And how are you?

 

PS - Not too bad given the circumstances

 

NC - That's good to hear. I know how much pain can be caused by financial trouble in football! We had a lot to sort out after taking over.

 

PS - Yes, it's pretty bad for us at the moment. Maybe I can pick your brains, see what you think about our plight?

 

NC - Of course, after all, we are part of the football community aren't we? When a football team dies it is sad for all of us.

 

PS - Indeed, it goes beyond our clubs rivalry. I'll give you a call tomorrow and arrange a meeting if that's ok?

 

NC - Yes, please do. Now, what about the game? Are you confident?

 

PS - Yes of course! (he laughs)

 

NC - Well my boys are already on the way to Wembley, so we have confidence and I'm sure we can win.

 

PS - That's true. You don't need another Wembley date, that would be selfish!

 

they both laugh, and sip from their drinks

 

NC - Well may the best team win. I shall look forward the contest, but we have a lot of work to do after this game. We are only beginning our journey.

 

PS - Yes, may the best team win. Hopefully that will be us, but we also have a lot of other things on our minds. How do you think the club is progressing since you took over?

 

NC - Good. We're really pleased. It's a shame we haven't won more of the league games, but we'l get there.

 

PS - So have you set a date for a premiership return?

 

NC - We definitely want to be back there within 5 years, but the sooner the better! Markus has spent money and he wants to see a return.

 

PS - I know, you've certainly invested heavily!

 

NC - anyway, enough talk of football, there are other things in life!

 

PS - Sometimes it is nice to talk about something else!

[krissyboy31]

There's a flaw to this thread! Everybody has to pay for there own tickets now so the away contingient won't be able to afford to go.

[mcjwills]

NC Markus, I know were loved by the fans, but how are we going to get rid of these fishy f*ckers

 

ML Nicola, how about we say were going to invest and pull out just as we are going to go into Court

 

PS Hey Markus how would you like to invest in a Premiership team with Prospects

 

ML to PS Yeah no probs I'm in.

 

ML to NC See knew the skate would fall for it

[Marsdinho]

NC: Hey Peter, I hear that contrary to popular belief, it has emerged that there is someone at Portsmouth FC who could, in fact, score in a brothel.

[exit2]

All jokes aside, Liebherr was not a Nazi. He was born 2 years after the War finished. You just sound like Skates saying things like that."

 

Whoossssssssssh

[Colinjb]

NC - Peter, Welcome, now, you have remembered to purchase your match day ticket today, yes?

 

PS - Would you take a cheque?

 

NC - Don't be silly.........

[Colinjb]

PS - Nicola! I must say I am very impressed by your catering! I must ask what are these little things I am sampling here?

 

NC - Chips, You surprise me Peter, I thought you and your club had had yours a long time ago....

[Wiltshire Saint]

NC - Oi! Storrie! You're a c*nt!

 

PS - F*ck off Nicola, you f*cking f*ggot.

 

NC - Why what you going to do about it?

 

PS - I don't need to do anything. You're a f*cking c*nt and you got a girls name.

 

NC - I'm going to smash your stupid f*cking face in, you piece of sh*t

 

PS - P*ss off Nicola, you're a f*cking gaylord.

 

NC - I might be a gaylord, but I'll still batter you senseless, you prize c*ck.

 

PS - Come on then. Let's see what you got

 

NC - Dirty motherf*cker

 

PS - W*nker

 

NC - Suck my c*ck you tw*t

 

PS - You'd like that wouldn't you. F*cking bender

 

NC - Oh, f*ck off.

[SuperMikey]

NC - Oi! Storrie! You're a c*nt!

 

PS - F*ck off Nicola, you f*cking f*ggot.

 

NC - Why what you going to do about it?

 

PS - I don't need to do anything. You're a f*cking c*nt and you got a girls name.

 

NC - I'm going to smash your stupid f*cking face in, you piece of sh*t

 

PS - P*ss off Nicola, you're a f*cking gaylord.

 

NC - I might be a gaylord, but I'll still batter you senseless, you prize c*ck.

 

PS - Come on then. Let's see what you got

 

NC - Dirty motherf*cker

 

PS - W*nker

 

NC - Suck my c*ck you tw*t

 

PS - You'd like that wouldn't you. F*cking bender

 

NC - Oh, f*ck off.

 

Best one so far

[saint francis]

NC: [motioning to PS to get closer to the barrels] Come on PS! Move, move, move!

 

PS: I'm not going out there!

 

NC: Beyond the edge of the barrels, go to the end of the barrels! Further out!

 

PS: What?

 

NC: Further out!

 

PS: Why?

 

NC: Go further out!

 

PS: What for?

 

NC: Will you go to the end of the pulpit, please?

 

PS: What?

 

NC: Will you just please go to the end of the pulpit!

 

PS: What for?

 

NC: I need to have something in the foreground to give it some scale.

 

PS: Foreground, my ass!

[Gingeletiss]

ML- Ah Peter, your plane got here I see. Please come and meet a couple of friends of mine.

 

PS- OK Markus.

 

ML- Peter, please meet the O'Naires from Dublin....Billy, Millie.....meet Peter.

 

PS- Pleased to meet you....wanna buy a football club??

 

Billy O'Naire- What club would that be Peter??

 

PS- Portsmouth...we have a 112 year history you know, and the best fans in the world.

 

Billy - Ha ha...ha ha ha ho ho ha ha................

 

ten minutes later

 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ......

 

 

PS- Markus, what did I say???

 

ML- Peter, whatever it was, it must of been some joke. Ah Nicola, here's Peter.

 

NC- Ah Peter I was looking for you, someone you might want to meet.

 

PS- This really is a friendly club, I likey, Sorry like it, just a few bad words I picked up whilst having a massage.

 

NC- Peter, meet Godfrey Johnson, he's with HMRC you know!!

 

GJ- Ah Peter, we meet again in better surroundings. I tell you what old chap, do you want me to write of what you owe us???

 

PS- Oh yes please Godfrey.

 

NC- Ah Peter, he's just winding you up mate!!!!!!

 

Billy O'Naire- Ha ha hah ha ha ho ho ha ha................

 

ML- Peter, seriously, Someone over there is really interested in buying your club.

 

ML- Terry over here good sir, meet Peter

 

Terry Venables- Listen mate I paid a quid last time, this time I want change.....

[Smirking_Saint]

NC - Oi! Storrie! You're a c*nt!

 

PS - F*ck off Nicola, you f*cking f*ggot.

 

NC - Why what you going to do about it?

 

PS - I don't need to do anything. You're a f*cking c*nt and you got a girls name.

 

NC - I'm going to smash your stupid f*cking face in, you piece of sh*t

 

PS - P*ss off Nicola, you're a f*cking gaylord.

 

NC - I might be a gaylord, but I'll still batter you senseless, you prize c*ck.

 

PS - Come on then. Let's see what you got

 

NC - Dirty motherf*cker

 

PS - W*nker

 

NC - Suck my c*ck you tw*t

 

PS - You'd like that wouldn't you. F*cking bender

 

NC - Oh, f*ck off.

 

First one that made me laugh

[oxfordshire_saint]

PS: Markus, I need to borrow a pen

 

NC whispering to ML: I don't think so Markus, he'll repeatedly promise to give it back but we'll only have to end up lodging it as a claim in the administration

 

ML to PS: NEIN!

[Secret Site Agent]

The Game has just ended.

 

PS: Well thanks for everything, Nic, Marko. I'll be seeing you.

 

Shakes both their hands

 

NC: Before you go, Peter can you do me a favour?

 

PS: Why yes, Nic me old mate, me old mucker, me old pal. What is it?

 

NC: Can you give me back my watch. You took it when you shook me hand.

 

PS: Yeh, sorry about that.

 

NC: And Marcus' watch

 

PS: Here you go.

 

NC: And our wallets

 

PS:Yeh, sure.

 

NC: And the cutlery!

 

PS: Can I keep the sp....

 

NC:NO!

 

PS: Here ya go

 

NC: And the toilet rolls!

 

PS: I came with them, honest.

 

NC: They have the Saints crest on them.

 

PS: S hit. OK there they are. Anything else?

 

NC: The toilet seats?

 

PS: No i aint got no ..........

 

Nicola points to his neck

 

PS: oh, THOSE Toilet seats. Yeh, forgot about them.

 

NC: Have you got anything else?

 

PS: No

 

NC: Peter? You wouldn't lie to me would you?

 

PS: Ok, you got me bang to rights.Here's your Saints Scarf Marcus.

 

NC: Do we have to search you?

 

PS: No. I always go to away game with these Saints monigramed mints, this Yukka plant, 4 cusions, 2 heated towel rails, five bars of soap, a Tampon machine, three remote controls, two copies of FourFourTwo, eight letters addressed to Mr M Liebherr, a water fountain, six sets of car wheel trims, A large Ted Bates statue, 12 pairs of football boots in various sizes and 16 towels. It's all about the comfort and being prepared you know.

 

NC: Give them back or I'll have to use the hose again.

 

PS: I'm sorry nic. I don't know what came over me. Here is your stuff back.

 

PS throws the stuff on the floor and Nicola checks it

 

NC: Hang on. These towels have got 'DE VERE HOTEL' written on them.

 

PS: Oh, they are definatly mine. YOINK.

ML: And is this yours? One token for a, and excuse my english but, what is a 'Rum-Tum-Soapy-Tit-****-love-you-long-time in container number 4?'

 

PS: Oh that's Avrams. I meant to pass it to him.

 

NC: Now GET OUT!!!!

 

PS: Yes, sir.

 

Storrie leaves slowly. He stops and looks back, but Marcus and Nicola just point to the door.

 

NC: Go.

 

Nicola turns to Marcus and lets out a deep sigh

 

NC: I don't know Marcus. What are we going to do with Peter Storrie?

 

ML:Wait a minute. I know this one........hmmm,hmm,Little boy,.... da, la, Mother,..do,do, ....Ah, I got it. I'll go and put some soap in my mouth, and you Nicola has to go and get my fathers gun!!!Is that right?

 

A little head pops round the door

 

The little head: Can I come in now?

 

NC: I ****ing told you Murray, your barred. SECURITY, SECURITY.....I'll tell you what, Marcus, I'll get us both a couple of AK47's.

 

 

Join us next week for our next installment of 'The Solvent and the Insolvent'

Edited 11 February, 2010 by Secret Site Agent

[Alain Perrin]

Later that week in the court room.....

 

The Judge : I have decided to write of all of Portsmouths debts and grant them immunity from any further action.

 

Peter Storie : That is excellent news.

 

The Judge : Not really, I am winding you up.